Always the bridesmaid...

[BlondeCurlGirl]

never the bride.


In the last few months, events have happened where I am now the last single girl among all of my friends. Everyone is now either married or will be married by mid-October, and some even have a child or two. While I am happy for my friends tying the knot, I can't help having mixed feelings.

I'm very torn between the pressure to now find a serious relationship and marry, yet I still crave the freedoms of not being in a committed relationship. I am back together with my last boyfriend, but purely for the sexual chemistry we had. The two of us know we don't have what it takes in other departments to end up together in the end. Right now in my life I need that physical relationship more than I want the additional emotional responsibilities of a serious relationship, but I know that will change very soon...it's something I can just sense.

I feel the pressures of settling down somewhat in the near future, so I don't end up an "old maid" or the last of my friends to marry and have kids. I certainly do want a family at some point in my life but know deep inside that I am not ready for that right now for many reasons. However, I feel like the pressure is continuing to build at an uncomfortable rate. My parents got married in their late 20's and began their family at age 30. I don't want to continue in their footsteps, and my friends certainly are adding to that pressure.

I don't know if part of this is related to being the last to marry or just losing my single friends and that lifestyle now. I don't feel jealous, just a tad bit sad and as I said, very pressured.

Any advice on how I can sort through these thoughts? Did any of you feel similar pressures? Do all women go through this?? :o

[Lilith]

Let me preceed this post by saying I am soooo happy with my life and would not ever, ever change one thing because all my choices are what got me to this fabulous place I am at in life now but...

I got married very very early by today's standards, 18. Not cause I was pregnant, but so I could go with him to where ever he got stationed in the millitary. I missed out on some very important developmental stages that most people go through now days. I have never lived on my own, ever. I envy women like yourself and some of the others here, Steph, Osuche, etc. Who are living some of life before trying to share life with someone else. You set your pace.

[jennaflower]

BCG...

I agree with Lilith.. you need to go at your own pace.

I can relate tho.. being the ONLY single person in the small group that I socialize with (7 couples and myself).. altho they in NO WAY purposely place pressure on me.. it is there.. Being the odd man out is often difficult for me.. and they do not understand.. it is just something that I toughen thru..

You and I are different in that you DON'T want that serious relationship... so I imagine that the "odd man out" syndrome doesn't apply to you.. for that you are fortunate. Just continue at your own pace and make time for these friends when you can... and most of all be understanding that now that they are in a relationship they may have other priorities and time restrictions.

HUGS

[dreamgurl]

well it seems that spring is here, everyone pairs off after valentine's day. i feel the same as you hun, my best friend is getting married the week after next and my other best friend has a boyfriend. i feel like the only one left, somehow it seems right now though. it's better to have time to myself than have to fight with a guy about stupid stuff better to be with myself and happy now, if that makes sense. althought being the odd one out isn't bad.......wonder what these guy's friends look like

[Grumble]

I went through the same sort of thing as the odd one out.

Once at a family function with my happily married siblings and their kids, my 6 year old neice asked "where is Uncle Ian's woman" well Uncle Ian didn't have one but he certainly wanted to be with one.

However BCG you have to be true to yourself and you are not at a stage in your life where you want to be or have found the right partner to be in a LTR.

So counter the odd man out feeling by thinking that you are making sure you that you find the right person.
The consequences of not finding the right person are awful. Some of those friends will be divorced later in life :(

Getting divorced is the pits and it is due to many things but being overcome by romantic notions and physical attraction without really looking deeper is a major factor in picking the wrong person

Sobering thoughts aren't they

[BigBear57]

BCG Hon, I have to agree with our panel here. Just know you have an opportunity to live the way you want and enjoy many opportunities your friends won't. I'm not saying a happy marriage isn't possible but truthfully a lot of the ones that give you envious feelings are facades. Finding the right mate is important but rushing it can cause sorrows beyond any you can imagine. You have your head on pretty straight, don't let that silly clock inside affect your clear thoughts. He's looking for you as hard as you are him. Lucky guy he is when he finds you.

[naughtyangel]

Wow Lilith, you could have almost wrote my post for me :)

I also sometimes feel...not really envy...but something similar, towards my single friends who are living on their own, doing the "adult dating" thing, etc, I was married at just-turned-20 to my high school sweetheart. To add to that, I've never had sex with anyone but my husband. But, I also wouldn't trade what I have now for all the experience in the world :)

There's no rule that says you have to be in a committed relationship/ married/ have kids by a certain age. Don't allow what others have done to dictate what's best for your life, right now!

[Nice Guy]

I really can't give an answer considering I'm in the same boat. I turned 25 on friday and am begining to realize that I'm not getting any younger. By this point in their lives my parents had married and within the next 3 years would have my brother an I. I don't even have a girl friend or any one that could be considered a prospect.

Just stuck in the endless loop of nothing.

[blathe]

I can't give a lot of advice but I can say don't do anything because you feel pressured to do it. If settling down feels like the right thing for you to do , then do it. If you need to hold on to that "freedom" for a while longer that's ok too. You'll know when you want to settle down because it won't feel like losing freedom.. it'll feel more like moving on to new adventures ;-)

[fzzy]

Finally, a thread I feel somewhat uniquely qualified to answer - at least from my perspective that is .... I'm 45 and never married, no children ... I love men, would love to have a loving relationship - even marriage with one, presuming one came along that fit my life and world in the right way and I fit his in the right way.

I have two comments here ... (and forgive me, they are conflicting ones) ... First, I am firmly convinced that there is nothing better than a good marriage, but also, almost nothing worse than a bad one! There is no need to marry because of some sense of pressure from the outside .... you are looking for a good marriage, not just marriage.

And so I'm tempted to say, there's no rush, take your time ... etc., however, here's the conflicting statement ... time goes by so much faster than you would ever suspect and so I think it's good that you feel some sense that your stand will change soon, don't put it off too long if that is what you want ... but also widen your circle of friends a bit, there are bound to be those in the outskirts of your life who are not married and would love to be a "friend". Good luck with making your life all that you want it to be!!!

[LixyChick]

I married my first husband at age 28. All my friends were married and some had children. I felt like my life was turning into the perfect example of what my mother always referred to as the "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free" syndrome. I'd been in long term relationships but I had never actually been proposed to at that point in my life......and I got to thinking.....what's wrong with me and why doesn't anyone want to marry me? I thought.....ok, I'm gonna lay down the law and make him make a choice. Marry me or I go! It was a pretty big mistake for me to demand that of him....and for us to marry! I realized AFTER the fact....that I really only wanted to be married because everyone I knew was and I felt like the odd girl out! Needless to say.....it didn't work out. It wasn't his fault (completely)....but it should have never happened! I could still be married to him now if I had of stayed and bit the bullet.......but it was never the same comittment for me that it was for him. For that, I am truly sorry to have dragged him through it!

BCG......don't rush on account of pressure! When the time is right, you'll know it. It won't feel like pressure....it'll just feel right! It may not come for years....or it may happen in a second's notice.....but when it happens, you'll know it's the right time and place in your life!

BTW hun..........even after you are married, the outside pressure doesn't stop! Suddenly everyone's chant shifts from. "When ya gonna marry?" to "When ya gonna have babies?" LOLOLOL!

[Lilith]

Then it's "when ya going to buy a house?", then "how are you going to put the kids through college?", then "when are you retiring?" then "when are you making funeral arangements?":spin:

check please!

[GingerV]

BCG....

I've got a very good friend I worry about, because she can tell you EVERYTHING about her wedding (she's actually gone on cake tastings and picked china patterns) except who the groom's going to be. She's put herself under so much pressure to "get on with her life" in terms of traditional milestones, that I'm worried she'll take the first guy to ask her...regardless of whom he turns out to be. I was brought up by a single mother who banged it repeatedly into my head....better no man than the wrong man. It's something I thank her for...right up there with, get your education...no matter what.

I've got another friend who's busily talking herself into marrying a guy, about whom she's sure of only 3/4 of the time (by her own admission). The other 2.5 days of the week...he makes her feel like a charity case he's staying with only because he hasn't found anything better yet. Another one who's more worried about a ring on her finger than the guy who puts it there.

You, however, I'm not worried about. You sound like you're in touch with your needs of the moment. Just make sure that when you're ready to be with someone, you make sure it has to be someone special.

Ginger

[Aqua]

I got married at 20 to my high school sweetheart. It took less than 2 years to realize our relationship was founded on sex and hardly anything else. I've passed on a lot of opportunities I've had in life because of the child that resulted from that marriage and sometimes I do regret getting married then. I love my child dearly and there is no way I would change the past now, even if I could. I simply recommend listening to the advice in this thread... take your time, experience the things that are really only possible as a single person. Also, if you do find a guy that you want to marry but he doesn't seem to show interest, talk to him about it... but don't give him the ultimatum, "Marry me or else!" I think if it comes to that then he is just not ready to marry. Based on personal experience and the experiences of my friends I recommend that no one get married before they are 25. People can change a lot in their early (and even mid) 20's. Anywho, I am rambling now and it sounds like you do have a pretty good idea of what you want for yourself. Listen to that and not pressure from those around you. Good luck BCG!

Ginger... the first friend you mentioned... I can see why you are worried about her. My un-professional opinion is she needs therapy. I'm not sure exactly what sort... but some kind of help. I think I would be worried if I started dating a woman and found out she had EVERYTHING already picked out.

[Steph]

ROFL @ the second post, Lilith!

Sometimes I envy those who settled down early but I knew I'd live this life . . . I'm probably more like fzzy . . . I wanted to go out and party, hike, explore & experience more than a few lovers.

I dunno . . . my sister was more the type to marry young. Some of us are just wired differently.

[dicksbro]

My wife and I married young like Lilith and also NOT because we had to ... and I wouldn't trade these forty years for anything else in the world. But I also firmly believe you want to wait until you find that special someone ... a person who isn't necessarily perfect, but someone you truly want to build a life together with.

Best of wishes for you and when the time and person are right, you'll know it.

[BlondeCurlGirl]

I really appreciate all of your different perspectives and advice. This whole process of growing up, moving out and moving on has been a lot more complicated than I imagined it to be. :o I'm sure things will just have to run their course and we'll see what happens.

(((Hugs))) to you all :daisy:

[Oldfart]

After the event as usual, LOL.

BCG, it's a matter of balancing out the joy of the relationship

with the shit it stirs up. How much joy is worth how much shit?

There is no perfect relationship outside your head.

Finally, there are no absolutes, not even this statement.

[osuche]

BCG...if you ever want to talk about it, PM me. I am almost 28 and NOT married. Most of my friends have *kids* and they ALL want to help plan my wedding. :D And -- instead -- I find that I am backing out of my LTR because I am not ready.

I also have conflicting notions about getting married:

1. As I get older, I get more opinionated about what I want...and will not settle for...These opinions make it more difficult to find the right person. Some days I think I shoulda gotten married at 18, when both he and I were still malleable. :D

2. As I get more settled into my career, I'm starting to find that there are more "fun" things to do than raise kids...at least from an outsider's perspective (although I'm told it's different when they're yours). Each year I am LESS willing to sacrifice my "fun" for family. :(

3. I've found that I needed to love myself before I could come to really love someone else, and that's taken me a while to accomplish (in fact, it's ongoing). Spoken from 10 years experience in a LTR, love is about daily compromise and respect...which needs to come from self-love and strength.

4. I really don't believe there is a "magical moment" when you fall head over heels in love, get carried on a tide of bliss to the altar, and stumble happily into creating the perfect family. It takes daily work -- deciding you are ready, selecting the right mate, planning a life together, making the daily compromises. I don't believe that a fairy will tap you on the head when you are ready. You're on a path and you will work to progress along the path when/if you are ready to do so. You make daily decisions about your future.

5. Last (but not least!) -- you are NOT obligated to settle down and have a family. Live life to the fullest. Marriage is merely one path to choose to happiness.


((((BCG)))) ~ no short cuts here. You have to find your own answers. Mine aren't yours --- but I am certainly happy to listen.

[GingerV]

Wow Osuche...that's very very well put. And now I'm in a quandry ;)....I have friends who need to hear that, just that clearly and gently explained. But at the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready to share Pixies with them ;).

Mind if I plaguerize you shamelessly? :)

[osuche]

Sweetie, anytime...I am flattered.