Have you ever...

[wyldchyld]

I have been having a bit of a problem and I've talked it over with only a few people and I wanted to know if I'm just the freak that I think I am or maybe that something is seriously screwed up.

For the past couple of months, things have been going downhill and they seem to be picking up speed. To put it bluntly...I hate myself from the top of my toes to the bottom of my feet. I get periods of time where I'm fine and then all of a sudden I hit bottom again. I can get depressed and feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I dont understand why anyone cares about me or even loves me for that matter. I can get onto these self-hatred streaks that I can find anything and everything wrong with me. Sometimes sleeping helps work it off and sometimes it doesnt.

I'm dating a guy who I have talked it over with and he absolutely hates the fact that it happens and has admitted to me that he doesnt understand why I do it in the first place. Once, in the middle of a higher point, he told me that he is frightened when I get into times like these. I can say that I'm a wuss and would never do anything to injure myself but he knows that deep down, if I work up enough nerve and give it time, I lose that wussiness and just go for it and just put an end to it. He has been trying to get me to go into therapy for a while and I've been so reluctant. I hate spilling my guts to anyone and I honestly cant stand anyone knowing how I actually feel. I would say that one of the absolute worst questions to ever ask me is "So...tell me about yourself." How do you tell someone that you cant stand being you even though you put up a front for years? When I was younger we had to do family therapy for my brother and I didnt like it then and I dont see what is going to be so different about going now.

I know that something is wrong with me knowing that I can pick myself apart and still manage to find something wrong. Tonight in a conversation with someone, I just happened to mention that I'm a complete freak and I was told to get that idea out of my head. Easier said than done to someone who is on the outside. I dont know how much longer I can keep it up. I dont want to admit to the outside world that there is something wrong. I just want it all to stop and start feeling like I'm normal, if there is such a thing. What do I do? I dont know and I just want to know if someone else has ever gotten to this point.

[jennaflower]

MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just my opinion.. but it sounds to me like depression...

[Lilith]

I can't say that I have felt that way before but if you have the guts to spill your feelings out to a site with over 15,000 members, then sitting down quietly with a therapist you can trust, will be a piece of cake. It's time to do that. You are not a freak and you are feeling things that many people do, but it's how you choose to react to those feelings that may be troubling you. See a counselor and get ideas on how to cope with the downs so that they seem less intense. Until you accept yourself, you are gonna have a hard time believing anyone else does. ((hugs)) feel better!

[Eros]

Hey hon, I literally went through the same thing all my life, but after some recent events, I've decided to get therapy. I sent you a PM. Let me know if you want to talk.

[Sharni]

I get like that...

Dont know why i do it either......but i turn into a not so nice person...extremely short tempered....family are unsure if im Jekyl or Hyde each day...very low self image and dont feel in the least attractive (cant understand what anyone sees in me).....teary...its bloody horrible.....but i just try to pull myself out of the funk (not always easy) and get on with my life

[imalikalotapuss]

wyldchyld,
don't be afraid of spilling your guts to someone, I have been there and it doesn't get any better without help. I'm still going through it. Meds definately help but therapy is really the thing that got me going on the right track. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you feel like this. i waited until it was almost to late.PM if you want to chat, but please talk to someone......

[Casperr]

Wyldcyld, just print out your post here, and take it with you when you see a phychiatrist. It's a starting point, and it'll save you worrying if s/he's going to as you to tell them about yourself.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

HUGS!
CasperTG

[Kendall]

if its depression.. it simply means -- there is an imbalance of certain kinds of neurotransmitters in the fluids that the nerves of your brain bathe themselves. the medications help get the right levels of neurotransmitters.. its like diabetes.. there is an embalance .. and the meds work to make a balance.. its no big deal.. see a DR. even GP's will subscribe them.. and if he/she is a good GP they will suggest u see a counselor too. (GP = General Practitioner)

[Kendall]

by the way... historically, others have tried to work this issue with alcohol and illegial drugs. Those do not work. Its hard (yea, maybe even impossible) to go at this alone without professional help. You are in good company. Hope u geel better.

Kendall

[wyldchyld]

i just want to clarify a few things...1. i know that depression is a chemical imbalance, i've sat through enough psychology classes to realize that by now...2. i dont drown it in alcohol or drugs (i drink maybe once a month and almost always with company)...3. there are only a few people in my life who know what i'm going through and he's begging me to get help.

i can get my good days and i can get my bad days. i can be dr. jekyll and mr. hyde and i pity anyone who puts up with me on those days. right now i'm having a good day and it's hard to judge if i really need help or not. i get this feeling of "why admit i need help when i'm doing just fine?" let me tell you, it makes it a whole lot easier to talk to someone when you have no freaking clue of who they are and they have no idea what the hell you look like in return. that's the reason i posted this here...i doubt any of you are going to hunt me down just to see what my ugly mug looks like. maybe it was just an "i need sleep" induced state of depression. am i a freak? probably

[sillyme]

wyldchyld,

No, you are not a freak. It can be easier sometimes to confess things in a forum such as this where you know the people but not in a face-to-face personal way.

That being said, given the problems you are describing, you really need to see a professional. If they are ethical they should be able to tell you whether or not you really need their services. If you do, it will help you, if you don't it will be validation for you that you are normal (or as normal as any of us are :)).

[CunningLinguist]

Wyldchyld,

Well I am going through that right now and finally when I saw the doctor on thursday I asked for some happy pills. I am also going to start seeing a counciler and well now my only worry is that unless I find a job by April I will have no health insurance.

The problem with meds is that ocne you start taking them the body will stop making those chemicals naturally leaving with an even worse imbalnce i you ever get off the meds.

[kinkyfairy]

Wyldchyld

ive had the same thing before and toa degree still do. ive tried to kill myself, l waslucky i had such good friends that got me to a hospital before nething cud seriously happen. i used to scarmy arms (thank god u can barly see it now) the docs figured out it was a hormone inbalance and just required me going on the pill to regulate it. after havin kids i no longer need it (but am stil on it just cuz i want no more babies) tho i still have times where my hubby wants to shake me and tell me that im fine and all that. drives him nuts when i slip back and it dont happen to often just when i extremly stressed out. (HUGS) its so hard and i know it but hopefully chatting about it here will help if u wont to go to counseling.

[wyldchyld]

yes, folks, i went to see the doctor today and that was after i spent my planning period crying at least 3 times over nothing. she thinks i'm suffering from seasonal affected disorder and gave me meds to help me deal with it. she warned me that they're not going to work right away and i'm still going to feel every emotion that i should just not just right from one to another. i'm going to be on the meds for a minimum of 4 weeks and she said that if it works alright for me, i'll get a full blown prescription. as far as my body naturally making the hormones, fine. i already know that when i go to get off them, it's going to be a gradual process...god knows you're not supposed to kill that stuff cold turkey. all i have to say is that there are very few people that i work with that are going to know that i'm on pills because god forbid any of the kids find out...hell will break loose. i appreciate those who showed genuine concern. we shall see within a week how i'm doing and in another 4 what the diagnosis is.

[Scorp]

well i definetly hope that things turn out for the better hun. just hang in there, and remember that there are plenty of people here who care for your well being and always available to lend a ear!

[wyldchyld]

it's funny...a good friend of mine just told me that she went on meds for anxiety...why is it that it feels so lonely? i just have an observation i'd like to state...why is it that no one really seems to care until you say that you have a problem? it's like no one really caring until you dont pay a bill and then watch how many people sit up and take notice.

[Scorp]

how about seeing it as no one gives the extra attention until there is need to? if things are going well, there is no need to 'raise the bar' so to speak. but if there are troubled times, of course those who are closest would want to do their best and cheer you up.

[denny]

My wife got a severe case from post-partum chemicals. Depression is in the family too, I think. It was so bad that I was in the same funk and couldn't get out. We both went for therapy, individual for her and group for the two of us. She has been medicated ever since. The Psy guy said we should have come in sooner, that the drugs are more effective the quicker you get on them. Take care of it!