Child abuse & wife bashing.

[Catch22]

A friend of mine who is from Texas has had a breakdown. She was abused as a child by a pastor of the family church. The family and friends didn't want to know about it. She has of late picked up with an old school sweetheart who it now seems was bringing back all these bad things from her past. She has not been able to bottle it up any longer. She has been bashed as a wife and there seems to be a pattern of abuse in her life. I am very upset and being so far away can do not much to help. One can listen, but you can not turn up and do anything in person, when your 10,000 miles away.

[jseal]

Catch22,

It must be very frustrating for you! Tough shot - for both of you!

[musketeer]

Child abusers - I hate them give me 10 minutes with them in a small room with a bat.

Wife beaters - you can't call them men.

my thoughts are with you man.

[Lilith]

Some people only understand love expressed through violence. They subconsciously seek out people that will make them feel secure with their past experiences. She needs counseling to help her to be aware of the choices the is making. Not much you can do except to not enable her making poor choices by coddling her and accepting her behavior. If someone beats you, you walk. That is the only acceptable choice...if she does not walk then you have to let her know you do not support her choice to continue to allow herself to be harmed.

[Catch22]

Originally posted by Lilith
Some people only understand love expressed through violence. They subconsciously seek out people that will make them feel secure with their past experiences. She needs counseling to help her to be aware of the choices the is making. Not much you can do except to not enable her making poor choices by coddling her and accepting her behavior. If someone beats you, you walk. That is the only acceptable choice...if she does not walk then you have to let her know you do not support her choice to continue to allow herself to be harmed.

She will now be having counselling. She has also reported some of the things to the authorities. I am hoping she does ok. On the down side she has been put on medication which can cause problems of its own. I am keeping an eye on her. As much as I can from over here.

[Aqua]

Those are two very important steps... reporting it and getting counseling. Hopefully the meds will be short term. My prayers are with her that she will not go back to old ways/relationships and with you Catch22, that you will not go crazy from being too far away to be supportive in person.

[Catch22]

The pills are going to be cut back next week. Had a chat on the phone with her and she is coping. The old/new bf has taken off, for the last time I think.

[Belial]

*big hugs* to her, and to anyone suffering from violence in their lives.

[nikki1979]

i wish i cud say more than ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to u both. i think yall are doing everything u can so ive no gooid advice just a sholder if u want it

~nikki

[cowgirltease]

Been there, done that, not fun! She needs professional help. She's had her self esteem taken away from her and she needs to get it back! And it's NOT gonna happen overnite! It takes a long time to undo years of doing. but please encourage her to go to a support group if she won't go see a psych. The worst thing you can do is leave a person like that alone. Get them to socialize as much as you can.

[CunningLinguist]

I am very upset and being so far away can do not much to help. One can listen, but you can not turn up and do anything in person, when your 10,000 miles away.

That is why you have friendly Texan pixies who don't take kindly to wife beaters.

Just send me the address and I am sure that Xantar's Stick of Understanding and my Baton of Whoop-Ass will be happy to drink blood and break bone.

(sigh) Well violence never solved anything and while it may bring a smile to my face seeing a wife beater get his due, it won't change the behavior.

In fact, as my Martial Arts instructor said often times when settling a domestic dispute he would knock out and arrest the husband only to find the woman coming at him with a kitchen knife.

It does look like your friend is taking steps in the right direction. Just make sure she never let's that bozo back into her life no matter how much he begs. I had a friend who I had a huge crush on several year ago, but she was in an abusive relationship. She actually married the abusive guy and well one night she took my advice and had him arrested. When he got out she let him in the house and he killed her.

[cowgirltease]

Damn CunningLinguist!!!!! I like your way of thinkin!!!
yeah, any man who beats a woman is NOT a man!
He's a coward!;)

[Catch22]

She was changed from some of the drugs she has been on. She was on one they have now found was causing people to kill themselves! She was in a very bad way before they changed the medication. I was on the phone to her twice to calm her.

[WildIrish]

I'm so sorry Catch22. People shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this.

About the only words of advice I can offer is to support her with advice that is healthy for her, and to take care of yourself too.

[Catch22]

Thanks WildIrish, I haven't been so good myself of late.

[denny]

WI has it. Whether the abuse is emotional or physical, you MUST protect yourself from it.

[Gilly]

I'm guessing the meds she was on was one of the 10 anti-depressents with side affects that included a higher rate of suicide. I've been on 3 of them, and never personally had those feelings, but I can tell you from experience that each anti-depressent is formulated different, and WILL react differently to different people.

I know a lot of people have had success with zoloft. For me, sure, I wasn't depressed, but I also had no desire to get out of bed. I was perfectly happy laying in bed all day, and literally laid in bed for nearly 2 months. I got up to eat, and go to the bathroom, and if I absolutely had to leave the house. Otherwise, I just laid there.

She needs to work very closely with the perscribing doctor while taking the pills. Something that would help a lot is for her to keep a daily "feeling" diary. Nothing where you write out everything thta happened, but just a place to jot down how she's feeling from day to day. If she's upset and can't figure out way, or agitated, or sad, or happy, she should write it down. It makes it easier to tell when your feelings are going hay-wire from meds.

Personally, when I'm on meds, and have to go off for a time, I don't notice my behaviour changing until it's extreme. I'll go from feeling fine, to suddenly realizing a week later that I'm yelling at the kids for no reason, hiding in my bedroom, arguing over stupid things, and crying all the time. And I just don't realize it until I hit a wall. Reading back in a diary to see how you were feeling a week before, or a day before, or even an hour before will help her to sort out which meds are helping, and which are hindering.

They affect moods, and a lot of doctors are more than willing to dope up the public these days. 10 years ago, it was a huge secret and embarassment to be on an anti-depressant. Now, it's odd if you aren't on one, which isn't anymore right than before. I've had a doctor tell me (on my first ever visit to him) that he was upping my previous dose of 50mg's to 100mg's a day, and that he was using that as a "springboard" to get me to 150mg's a day. This was after I told him that I thought 50 was doing fine.

Just being there for someone is a huge help, as well. I don't know about others, but I find it easier to spill my "guts" so to speak to a stranger I can't see than to tell my husband.


Good Luck

[Catch22]

We do get to see each other. Not just a net chat. Pills are and should be just a short term thing. 100,000,000 people are on anti-depressants in the US I read. Kids as young as 7 to.

[Gilly]

I'm totally against anyone under 16 being on an anti-depressant. The side affects more than triple on children because they don't have the same levels of hormoans in their bodies, and the pills are tailored towards higher amounts.

It's like giving a baby an adult dose of tylenol.


Again, I hope things work out soon.

[dicksbro]

Catch22 ... any news on how things are going with your friend? We've kept her in our thoughts and hope between the counseling and authorities that the abuse has stopped and that she's being helped.

[Catch22]

Originally posted by dicksbro
Catch22 ... any news on how things are going with your friend? We've kept her in our thoughts and hope between the counseling and authorities that the abuse has stopped and that she's being helped.


DB she is on pills, some of which had to be changed. She was very down a couple of weeks ago. She has not been able to get local counselling. I think a victims help group would be a help to her. The cops have been a help.

[Catch22]

Hello,

Just an update. She took an overdose and has been in and out of hospital the last couple of months. I will be going over there to see her soon. Sorry to anyone I was chatting to here and have not been doing so since leaving here.

[jseal]

Catch22,

Thanks fo the update. I wish her well and good luck. I'm sorry that you left, although I feel I understand why.

[Grumble]

Best of luck with her, buddy. She is lucky to have you caring about her.

[Catch22]

I see from another thread on this advie board this is going on a lot. There does not seem to be much in the way of Govt help for this sort of thing over there it seems. We just had a big Govt funded ad and letter box thing about this in Oz.

[sweetlady]

Can I offer a very strange suggestion?

After my experiences with my ex, who was violent and abusive (he had an "episode" once a year), I went to a program called "Al-anon," not Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is for the drinker. Al-Anon is for the family of drinkers.

Now, even though her ex might not be an alcoholic, the principles of al-anon helped me IMMENSELY. They work for life, no matter what, even if the man is just addicted to violence instead of alcohol. I would advise her to go, it's free group counseling, it WORKS wonders, and it's everywhere. It saved my life.

[Catch22]

Can I offer a very strange suggestion?

After my experiences with my ex, who was violent and abusive (he had an "episode" once a year), I went to a program called "Al-anon," not Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is for the drinker. Al-Anon is for the family of drinkers.

Now, even though her ex might not be an alcoholic, the principles of al-anon helped me IMMENSELY. They work for life, no matter what, even if the man is just addicted to violence instead of alcohol. I would advise her to go, it's free group counseling, it WORKS wonders, and it's everywhere. It saved my life.


Thanks, Sweetlady. I told her to find a group some time ago. There isn't anything near by to where she is.