someone better?

[silentsoul]

Okay, any of you who have read many of my posts have heard me talk about my wife. The truth is, we never actually got married but we're basically common law.

We kinda started to get married once before but it was WAY too early in our relationship and I ended up breaking off everything between us for a while, like a month and have been together ever since. Well we've matured, and aged since then and we feel that it's time to get married. We've set the date for 9-22-04.

However, I've kinda started to ask myself WHY I love her. You see, I love Laura to death, when she's around I'm a little happier just because of it, sometimes. The problem is, that and the fact that I doubt there's anyone else out there weird enough to be able to stand me is about the only good things I can think about in our relationship. We have very few interest in common, however the one's we do have are the big one's i.e. religion, morals, etc. None of my hobbies interest her and vice versa.

I am also disabled from mental problems. With that already against me, to call my wife emotional would be an insult to emotional people. Because of this and poor communication, we usually end up bickering constantly. The problem here is that whenever we bicker, it ends up getting really heated really quick.

Admitting this next part makes me feel like a total dick but her attitude towards sex is another big issue. I gave up on asking for anal a long time ago and I've never really asked for oral that much. Whenever we have sex it's in the missionary position about 97% of the time (2% her on top, 1% other) because she says she can't cum in any other position. Me personally, missionary is my least favorite position. Basically, she kinda makes me feel like she's only interested in pleasing me by letting me eat her out. I find myself actually trying to make sure I jerk off before she gets home so I won't be tempted to ask her for sex.

Another thing that pretty much goes along with the above is that IMO sexyness is more of an attitude than looks. If a woman thinks she's sexy and struts her stuff with that thought in mind, she WILL BE SEXY. However, constantly hearing how much she hates her body and how embarassed she is about her body is not sexy.

Basically, what I'm getting around to is that I know that I will never meet another woman I love as much as laura. But that's mainly because I hardly ever leave my house. So I basically say to myself "I love laura, if by some chance I meet someone else, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." But when I say that I feel like kicking my own ass. I don't want to get divorced, plain and simple. Most of my strongest moral beliefs come from way back when and one big belief is until death do you part.

Obviously, this has not been the best of days and you can pretty much rack this up as senseless rambling but if you happen to have any suggestions, I could obviously use them. Well thanks for listening ... well reading anyway.

[Lilith]

Big decision....it sounds to me as if somewhere deep inside you, you already know the answer. Reflect inwards and listen to your intuition. You both deserve for you to be positive about your choices.

[silentsoul]

I think that's what scares me. I could never put her through what I did when we slpit up before again and that kinda makes me feel trapped. Sometimes, I really think that I'm gonna end up being one of those guys who lives through a never ending hell just for the happiness of his family. I know I would but I obviously don't want to.

[sillyme]

I second what Lilith has said.

Have you tried couples therapy? Perhaps that would help to open communications between you.

There's not much you can do about her hating her body... except to let her know as much as you can just how sexy you find her. If she truly listens it will help.

Listen to your heart and be open and honest with her - it will be the best for both of you.

[jennaflower]

silentsoul.. I agree with Lilith.. deep within you, you know the answer. However, you asked for a little input.. so I shall offer mine.

1) Neither of you should settle out of fear of not finding your "ideal".... settling only results in resentment and unhappiness.

2) A lack of desire to have sex with your mate is a HUGE indicator that there are issues that need to be addressed. Not addressing will only result in a continueing deterioration and ultimately no sex at all. There are REASONS why the lack of interest is there.

3) By description of your arguements, it would seem to me that BOTH of you have a problem with communication... and without communication the relationship will NOT last no matter the form. No man is an island, and if you can't share yourself, emotionally, mentally, and physically with your partner you need to consider other options.

4) IF you are serious about making it work, I suggest that you seek serious counceling (both joint and seperate) BEFORE getting married.

HUGS.. I wish you the best... PLEASE don't settle.. IF she isnt' the one.. SHE does exist..

[silentsoul]

I completely agree that communication is vital in the survival of a relationship. We were simply brought up so differently, we both speak in our own way and simply can't seem to understand what the hell the other one is talking about. We've worked on it the entire time we've been together and so far, no success.

As for therapy, because of my disability I've seen enough shrinks to obtain something I call "Hatred with a passion" for anything psycological. So obviously that wouldn't work.

Okay, since I do want to save this relationship if possible, how does everyone suggest I confront her with all these problems. Please keep in mind she is as emotional as shit and will probably end up tearing up before the end of my first sentence. All I can say is help, I love her so much and I can't stand the idea of hurting her like that again, especially after I've proposed to her for the SECOND time.

[Cobalt]

Write down ALL, your thoughts, feeling, emotions, fears, ect. But make sure you also put in there how you feel about her first, and tell her in there that you want to find a way to make things better than they already are, so as you both can be as happy as you can be. You two need to discuse things and work them out FIRST, then get married.

In my opinion.

[WildIrish]

Don't break up because someone better might be out there. You could spend your whole life chasing that star. If you break up...break up because your life with her now is not how you want to spend the rest of your days. If that's the case, you owe it to yourself as much as you owe it to her. BTW...does she have any idea you're having these doubts? If not, you need to discuss it. If you don't feel comfortable discussing marriage with someone you're planning to marry in 8 months...what're you going to do when the hard stuff hits?

I've always said that sex is the barometer of a relationship. If there are problems with the relationship that leaves one of you feeling unhappy with the other, odds are they won't be overly enthusiastic about bedding them. Is she happy with the sex? The frequency & position might just be what she's comfortable with. Again...conversations and compromises might be in order.

[silentsoul]

okay, as far as the sex, I quite simply rock her world. Whenever I go down on her, I stay down there and IMO I'm the best tongue in the world. She says I'm the best lay she's ever had, but that's not really saying much from her previous sex partners.

Today I woke up thinking about all this and a movie I saw once. "The Mexican" with brad pitt and jennifer ??(not lopez) and basically jen asked the question "If you love someone, when do you say enough is enough?" The answer, never. See, I love laura, yeah we might bicker constantly, we have some issues, but we love each other, plain and simple. So she'll only take it in one hole, big deal.

We've got our entire lives to look forward to. Right now, I'll admit, my biggest problem with her is sexual. Nympho + really talented tongue + a lifetime = plenty of opportunity's to open her up to other pleasures.

I know we've got issues but I think I was just having a bad day yesterday. No matter what comes up, we always work it out.

[Lilith]

Wasn't it Julia Roberts????

[WildIrish]

Don't know...too busy looking at Brad. Oops, did I say that out loud?

[silentsoul]

yeah it was julia roberts, my bad

[Lilith]

ok lickins' for you :spank:

[Nuelaan]

I was a bit in your place not to long ago. While everything else was great in our relationship my now fiancee and I had sex issues. When I wanted to talk about it she changed the subject, and so little was ever resolved. I had always made the mistake of telling her my problems with the way our sex life was without telling her that the reason it was so important to me was that it made me feel unwanted. I highly recomend theropy, and if not that then at least ask the minister who will preform the ceremony if there is any counciling sessions he will do and attend them as early as possible. If you come from a strong religious back ground sometimes that causes a dilema (this was our problem until the minister reminded her that sex between spouses is a COMPLETELY acceptable thing in the church's eyes and that as prospective spouses it was important to talk about it). Once she had the ok the talking began ad we are closer now.
I got engaged with issues still to work out as it sounds like you have done. There is a certain amount of just knowing its right. I can't explain what I love about her, its not a thing, or a group of them. I love her and it sounds like you feel the same about your Mrs. As Lilith said (she is always so damn smart) you probably already know the answer, if you can't see being without her then go for it, if you are only getting married because of what society says, or you've already spent so much time on it you may want to reconcider. The break up could get nasty but it would be worse 10 years from now.
Again I am not saying one way or the other only two people know that answer. Talk to the other one, tell her you wonder if your doing the right thing. Hell, anything that concerns you both you need to talk about, get ready now for treating the two of your lifes as one shared life.

[LixyChick]

No one can EVER predict the future of a relationship! It's a lot of hard work to make a marriage. There are good times and there are bad times....as with any other kind of relationship! No one EVER said it was easy. We, as individuals, have our own way of doing things.....and we can't expect that everyone in our lives will do and act and feel exactly the same way in everything we do! Versitility in a relationship is actually a good thing. Different hobbies and likes make for better conversations......and not the same ole ho-hum itty bitty chats. For example in my case....Mr. Lixy likes racing and motors and is very mechanically inclined........I don't know much about any of it......but we sometimes talk about engines and mechanical things and the science of speed.....and I learn stuff I never thought I would want to know! He knows nothing about sewing.....but because of his mechanical ability, I actually have him taking my machines apart for me and learning their schematics and therefore he'll be my mechanic should a machine ever break down. But....there are things that are "his" and and things that are "mine"...and that's ok too! We don't have to do everything together!

Everything said above is so true and I highly doubt you'd get any different advice from a therapist. He/she'd just make you delve deeper and charge more! :D I'm not saying to not seek professional help.....but therapy could last longer than most marriages! Maybe just a few sessions where you request an ideal way to communicate your feelings in a better way than you two have been able to do, would be in order. There are techniques to a beneficial argument.....so as not to offend or hurt the other....but to make your point understood and to compromise and work things out! You don't seem to be able to find that specific way of getting your points across....and resentment IS building up. Resentment never shows itself in it's true form....but comes out in other places in a relationship....such as the bedroom....or in seemingly inconsequential arguments (bickering).

Sounds to me like a typical case of cold feet. You doubt yourself in one sentence and then clear it all up in the next reply! Don't think you are the only one who has ever had these doubts! It's a scary thing to make a lifetime commitment to a car...let alone another human being! And.....that is TOTALLY understandable! That you recognize/relate these feelings is a terrific step towards making a better way. You, now, just have to direct them to those in your life whom they will affect!

Cobalt had a great idea....but didn't include your fiancee' in the equation......which could make it seem like a one sided attack if you came at her with a list. So....why not ask her if she'd like to help put to rest each of your doubts? Make a list of things to talk about and set aside a time to do so. Make a rule that this list will not be an attack on the other.......but instead a list of concerns and places in the relationship where improvement could be worked on. Tell her that all doors are open to discussion and not to hold back for fear of retaliation. Pick who will go first......state a case.....and see if that concern was included on the others list. Discuss it openly....not with accusation....(ie: "YOU make me feel".....etc........but instead........."I sometimes feel as though we aren't living up to each others potential or expectations in our sex life".....or whatever......etc., "Can we talk about ways that each of us can improve or vary/change to make things better for both of us"? If you make it about how you feel....and not how she makes you feel....you won't have hurt her with accusations that she may not be able to explain her reaction to!

Does that make sense? Usually.....arguments escalate to fights and hurt because one or the other is backed into a corner with accusations that they did something they weren't even aware they did! People don't make you feel a certain way....YOU feel that way by an action or nonaction....and you have to take responsibility for your own feelings! One either lets an action or nonaction bother them.....or they don't. Some people take things differently than it was meant......misconception enters.....resentment builds.......and communication breaks down.

It's NOT simple.........it's hard work to make a life with another human being......for better or worse....till death you do part......it's all there and it's all worth it!

I've one really serious question......and I might already know the answer....but I better not assume. Why are you getting married when you already consider yourself married and are of common-law status (ie: in my state it's considered a common law marriage if you have resided with S/O for 8 years or more and shared all duties as husband and wife....such as bills...etc.)? Did you know.....that if you are indeed recognized as a common law couple.....and you do break up.......you may have to get an legal divorce? Better look up the law that pertains to your state! And.....did you know that if you are legally a common law couple already....you can take advantage of all the perks that come with a literal marriage.......like taxes....etc.? But....I asked why the legal marriage because I figure it's because of your moral and religious background and because you plan to have children.......but there I go assuming again.

Best wishes hun!

*hugs*

[silentsoul]

To be completely honest, the main reason we're getting married is so that her grandmother can see her get married. Plus she wants everything to be legit and on paper. I personally couldn't give a shit but she defenitely wants to get married before any of her other realtives pass away. She lost her grandfather when she was young and just recently lost her father and she's scared time is running out.

[LixyChick]

Oops! I haven't been over to this forum in a while and I'm glad I got here today silentsoul!

Answer me this. Have you discussed this marriage for the sake of the ceremony with her grandmother and other family members? Do they know what's going on in your s/o's and your head? Have you checked to see if you are indeed "legit" even without the proverbial ceremony? Ya know.....you could do your own ceremony if you are recognized as already legally married as a common law couple......it's not lesser because it's called common law. Common law IS an actual marriage!

I ask this because....hubby and I lived together for 12+ years before we decide to have a ceremony....and we lived as husband and wife.....in taxes and everything. I kid about the reason for our ceremony.....but it's not all just a joke.....we truly did want to have family and friends gather to have the shindig of all shindigs....and we thought...what better present for them than an actual wedding? He and I can't have children....we already owned a home and we aren't religious folk and so we had no reason to have a wedding. We had it all, in essence.....but the family appreciated the wedding part (bugged us for years and years to do it).....and so we said....what the hell! To him and I though....we were married anyway.

You've got to do some serious soul searching.....and also some law investigation in your state (Va.). You're probably already married in the eyes of the law........and if it's the eyes of God and family you and she wants....this is where the soul searching comes in!

PM me anytime if you need a shoulder or just wanna get it off your chest.....k?