A Rant about EXES!

[dm383]

Hey all!

As a lot of you know, the love in my life is celticangel. She's a VERY close second after my 10-year old daughter, whom I had with my (soon to be... I HOPE!) ex-wife.

My ex and I split up over 2 years ago, since when I have looked after my daughter when I "had" to, e.g. my ex was working etc., AND pretty much when I wanted to, i.e. most weekends I'm not working. (Which is most of them!!)

OK.....so far, so good! Right, so six months or so ago, my ex meets this guy.... things move along, and 2-3 days before Xmas, they get engaged. Fine, I think; she happy, and I'm glad for her! Last week she says, instead of visiting "R" at the house, cos the b/f is feeling uncomfortable, could I take her out somewhere - I say "OK", no problem.

The crux.... took R home tonight, and say to my ex I wanted to come and see R tomorrow after work, was that OK? She says, "She'll be at my mothers, and we've arranged for Dave (the b/f) to collect her" in a tone that said 'and I'm NOT changing it, either!', this DESPITE me being on back-shift Tues/Weds, and CAN'T get over to see R!! THEN she says.... "you can't just wander in whenever you want, to see R..... there's someone else's feelings to consider now!" meaning, the boyfriend! WTF???

OK, now, I think I'm a fairly easy-going kinda guy, but when things were tough for HER, who was there? Who was the one who gave up nights with CA to sleep over, JUST so SHE could go out on the piss? Loads of similar type of things like that, and NOW, just cos HE'S moved in, it seems like all of a sudden Dad is "in the way"!!

Well, the whole thing REALLY pissed me off (perhaps unreasonably so, I'm too close to be objective about all this) and I didn't handle things AT ALL well. To the point where I think I left 2-300 miles worth of tyre on the road when I left!!

OK....... that's it....... sorry for boring y'all, (if you GOT this far, LOL!), but after talking with CA, and now here, I feel a bit better!! :) Feel free to "have a go", if you think it's warranted!

DM

[BigBear57]

DM I feel your pain. I've had several disagreements with my son's mom. I finally had to get out of my "just smile and go along" mode I usually assumed. She now knows I will see my son and could care less where she's going or with whom. Things have blossomed since I exploded and I pretty much see him whenever I want with some exception for any "family plans" she's made. I wish you the best. As the alienated entity in a divorce, we as fathers are usually the losers. Occassionally though, with proper tact and patience we can get a fair deal. When that doesn't work, well those times we show our fangs and let them know we're caring parents too and won't go away quietly.

[jseal]

dm383,

It must be very difficult and frustrating for you. I hope it doesn't remain this contentious for long. Best of luck sir!

[Lilith]

((dm383))

[jennaflower]

dm383....

HUGS... I can tell you from experience... that what you wrote is the "norm"... sadly I am not at all surprised. I know it will not give you any comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggle... and that.. yes.. it could be ALOT worse...

The question that only you can answer... is... what is BEST for your daughter? It is only that answer that truly matters. Sometimes that question is a hard one to answer... and sometimes.. that answer is in no way what would make us happy.

For my professional answer - She is only required to honor the specifics of what ever the judge (your country's equivalent) stipulated. IF the judge only gave you visitation during specific periods of time.. then that is all she is required to make sure you get. HOWEVER... that said.. that does not limit your options in seeking the court to reconsider and stipulate additional time..

HUGS... and I am sorry to hear that you are going thru this...

[Cheyanne]

Your ex is trying to assist the bf in establishing a relationship with R.........or so it appears. Jenna did explain it correctly, she doesn't have to grant visitation other than what is in the agreement, unless there is a statement in there that goes something like "visitation over and above what is stipulated in order to inhanse the relationship between child and non-custodial parent." If there is a statement in your settlement like that, then you do have the right to see your daughter as often as you want. The only thing that would stop that from happening is if when you wanted visitation, that would interfer with the child's day-to-day routine.

Get a calendar planner with lots of space to write on the dates. You need to start recording everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When you requested visitation and turned down and why.... like what just happened... she let bf have time with daughter and not you... that kinda stuff. Also, write good stuff down in the calendar. The reason being, if you do have continued problems and need to take it back to court, it won't appear as if you are a disgruntled jealous ex-spouse out to get the wife back for having a bf.... I know, kinda sucks. You do need to protect yourself and your daughter. We have to do that here.... Cobalt has custody, but that doesn't stop his ex from causing problems. We document everything!!!!!! (sometimes I wish the one that is left at home would be of the age of emancipation.. then it wouldn't be a problem.)

As you can see, I can write a book about this...... ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[Grumble]

Hey Buddy I feel your pain hang in there mate ((manly hug))

[Oldfart]

DM383,

I'm probably not the right person to say too much here, 'cos

my ex and I didn't have the third party problem in the early days.

It is fair enough that the new partner have time with "R", but

not at the expense of the relationship with you.

Are they still asking you to look after "R", just so they can go out

partying, or have they settled down?

Tough thread with more teeth than an Osmond convention.

[Steph]

((((((dm))))))) Is there any way you could have a convo with both your ex and her new guy so he could be more comfortable with the situation?

[Ryan²]

dm383, you have my support. Really, none of us wish you were going through this. It cannot be nice.

Regards,

[LixyChick]

dm? Just a thought.......but you haven't met "him" yet!? Your ex seems to be "protecting" her b/f from something she is anticipating will go wrong.....when you haven't even made your good wishes for them known. Am I right? If I'm wrong....then pardon me for assuming!

I know this is a sticky situation for you all (you and CA and your ex and fiancee) but....instead of wasted energy (anger), why not propose a meeting to get aquainted and to relieve some of the tension of the unknown factors? If this isn't an option.......as I think it would do wonders for all involved......then what Chey said is excellent advice!

I don't know the facts about your pending divorce and custody case......but, now that there is another involved....it seems to me the perimeters should be examined again....as four adults....with emotions set aside for the sake of R's future!

Try and help your ex see that this is about R...and not just about the four adults involved! If handled delicately....with regard to all feelings involved.......it could work out better than it seems to be heading.

(((((((((dm & CA))))))))))

Please keep us in mind whenever you need to vent! PM me ANYTIME! I'm always here to lend an ear!

P.S. I know of what I speak as I was a step-mom once (in my first marriage).....and we all found an amicable solution for my step-son's sake.....to the point of being friends with the ex wife! But it took some long talks and understanding on all parts!

I wish you the best hun!

P.P.S. Just read Steph's reply......^5 my sister from a different mister!

[dm383]

First of all, a BIG thankyou to all who have read this..... I feel a bit sorry for y'all, wading through all that! :)

BigBear 57 ~ Over the past 2 years or so, we (my ex and I) have got along pretty good, all things considered... even when the fiance came along. Now they're "officially" engaged, though, things seem to have taken a turn for the worse; I have no problem with him building a relationship with my daughter, after all he seems to be planning on being around for a while. My problem is if it's at MY expense...... and that AIN'T gonna happen, believe me!

jseal ~ I hope so too, thanks for your support

Lilith ~ Thanks hon..... I needed that! :)

jennaflower ~ I just got a copy of the agreement from the lawyers today. It states "..... Second party (me) shall have access to (R) at least two weekends per calendar month........... to take into account the parties' shift patterns". Which is fine, I have no (real) beef about it...... BUT.... until recently, as I said before, it wasn't a problem seeing R anytime I wanted; on the contrary, it seemed like my Ex would phone me all the time "Can you look after R for a while/night/weekend..... NEVER a problem!! Now the fiance seems to be calling the shots.... she's even saying things to me I can TELL come straight from his mouth... I've known her nearly 17 years, and she just doesn't think OR speak like that! (I know that makes me sound as if a big part of this is "sour grapes", and, if I'm honest, I guess it is!!
As for what's best for R.... I guess I don't REALLY know the answer to that one!

Cheyanne ~ The diary thing sounds like a good idea.... I used that before, in a dispute with an old employer!! Thanks for reminding me! :)

Grumble ~ Cheers mate.... hope YOUR situation doesn't turn out the same way!

Oldfart ~ Thanks for your words, mate. Early days yet, but I'm sure they WILL be asking!!

Steph ~ (((HUGZ))) back! Yeah, we've been down the convo route already.... and I thought we HAD got things sorted!! Ho hum! :(

ukG2 ~ Thanks for that..... no, it isn't nice!

Lixy ~ Yes, I've met him quite a few times, in fact! My impression is, he's one of those boorish, "done it all" SMARMY people.... the stereotypical "salesman" type, y'know? (No offence to any salespixies!! :)) Like I said, we did the 'sit around & chat' thing a while ago, and I thought we had everything sorted. Funny thing - 6 weeks ago, she wanted me and him to go out for drinks together ..... I'm afraid, THAT ain't gonna happen! (gotta draw the line somewhere!!) Thanx for the hug, hon!!


Jings...... that reply's longer than my original post..... thanks for "being there" everyone! :)

DM

[osuche]

I don't have any adult advice to share...since I have neither an ex nor kids...but as a child who lived through a divorce, custody sharing, and my mom getting remarried (she was the primary custodian)...I do have a perspective from R's side of the fence.

As a kid, I hated my stepfather for the first few years...and always wanted to run to my real father to complain, for forgiveness, and because he was much more permissive than my stepfather and mom.

Looking back, I did benefit from having two (very different) paternal influences in my childhood. Sometimes my dad would give my mom/stepfather weeks of time with me, and I eventually got settled down into a scenario that was to everyone's benefit.

Thus...my advice... Your daughter will try to play you off of your ex and her fiance. Don't let her. And realize that having some type of close relationship with the fiance may be good for R...although she may not realize it at first.

But don't get steamrolled -- and know that your daughter needs your time and love too -- especially now. She's probably still reeling from her mom's engagement.

[dm383]

osushe ~ thanks for reading this, hon. I hope in the months and years to come, R and I will continue to have the good relationship we do now. She hasn't started trying to play Dave and me off against each other.....yet! But she HAS tried it between me and my Ex... and we've managed to keep things straight cos of talking to each other. And, R likes Dave..... or so she says! I'm sure things will work out in time.... like I said, it was a rant, and looking back to sunday I think, in part, I just let a LOT of things build up, and that was the "straw that broke the camels back"!
Not handled very well, by me...... but I WILL prevail!!

Thanks again to EVERYBODY who has contributed! :)

DM

[Oldfart]

DM,

You're stuck with us.

[LixyChick]

((((((((((((((dm))))))))))))))

Just wanted to give ya a hug today!

[dm383]

Oldfart ~ I wouldn't have it any other way...... thanx mate!

Lixy ~ Oh, to be in Pa. for a REAL one!! Luv ya sweetie!! :heart:


DM

[Mor Rioghan]

DM,

As a newer member here, I hesitated replying to your post. But, since my hubby and I are in a similar boat, I thought I might have a few words of advice and comfort.

Unfortunately, both hubby and I have children from previous marriages. To some degree, we are in a similar situation. But, at the same time, we are in a different boat altogether.

On hubby's side of things, his ex is a royal female dog. According to their divorce records, he is supposed to have his son and daughter on week/weekends he is home. (This was due to the job he had when their divorce was finalized.) But, in all honestly, we hardly EVER get to see them.

From our understanding, she doesn't approve of me as a person and definitely doesn't approve of hubby and I being married. The worse part is that "A" (daughter) let it slip that his ex said this in front of both her and her brother "M".

On top of the ex's feelings for me and our marriage, basically the only time we hear from her is when SHE has something she wants to do (going out, etc.) and doesn't have anyone else to watch the kids. There has been too many occasions that she has called because SHE needs a sitter...and heaven forbid if we already have plans and can't watch the kids.

On the other hand, I have to see my hubby bend-over backwards to please her...and sometimes it is at the expense of our family that we have now. (Changing plans, cancelling plans, etc.) He is trying to be a good dad to his children...and she doesn't care at all.

(Also, the only other times we really hear from her are when one of them has done something and SHE can't make them mind. Unfortunately, this tells the kids that Dad is the enforcer and that SHE can be walked on. The worse part is that SHE complains to him for hours (yeah, hours) on the phone about how they behave when she tells them to do something and they won't. It paints a bad picture any way you look at it.)

I can honestly say that hubby loves us all...his present family and his children with his ex. But, no matter what we try...his heart still gets broke and no one gets any happiness.

**********

Now for the opposite side of the coin:

As for my ex, I'm happy that he doesn't come around much. In honesty, some of the reasons I ended our marriage were due to his habits (often abusive) and lack of communication between us.

In our documents, it is stated that the only time he can see our son, "G", is if myself or my mother is present. Also, there is no set time or day for his visitation. So, this too creates a hassle in everyone's life.

Unlike you (from what you have said in your posts) and my hubby, he stayed away from "G" for almost 1 1/2 years. (His said reason was because he felt he couldn't "deal" with me.) NOW, after this long absence in "G"'s life, he wants to be there.

The problem here arises from his work schedule and that of my family I have now. Last month, I finally told him that I will allow him to visit over here at our place with "G" for 2 hours every other Tuesday. Since we have made this arrangement, things have been a little easier, but we still have problems.

**********

All in all, you do need to try and sit down again with your ex, her new fiance, and CelticAngel to see if an arrangment can be agreed upon that will benefit "R" first and the adults second.

Maybe you can suggest a monthly meeting to discuss your work schedule and any family schedules that they currently have. That way, any foreseeable problems can be handled and ALL of you can spend an enjoyable time with "R". (Also, this should help prevent any visitation problems for you...and "R" will know each month that she is guaranteed time with all of the adults who care about her.)

I have to agree that you should NOT allow your ex to manipulate your time with "R" to benefit her new fiance. She is your daughter and you have every right to see her when allowable.

I also agree with the suggestion of keeping a planner of dates of when you wanted to see her and couldn't (no matter the reason) and the days you kept/saw her (same rule applies). This will allow any judge to see that you DO have your daughter's best interests at hand -- and that you are NOT being a vindictive ex.

**********

I do hope that some of what I have said has helped. If you need someone else to talk to about this situation, feel free to PM me. I will listen and offer any advice I may have.

*crossing fingers* Here's to a happier state of affairs between you and yours

Brightest Blessings....

[dm383]

((((Mor Rioghan)))) ~ Your problems sound a LOT worse than mine hon! If nothing else, your post has put "things" a little more in perpesctive for me. But I have started the "diary" idea, and as for the planning situation ~ that always worked reasonably OK up til last weekend, and seems to be back on an even keel now..... for the moment, at least! :)

I consider myself VERY lucky to have so much support, both here AND in R/L. My hope is that you (and anyone else in same/similar situations) has that too.

I do hope that some of what I have said has helped. If you need someone else to talk to about this situation, feel free to PM me. I will listen and offer any advice I may have.

Same goes here, too!!

Good luck hon...... I think we both might need it! :)

DM

[Mor Rioghan]

DM,

((((((((DM)))))))))

If I need someone to listen to the junk that is going on, I will probably take you up on that offer.

As for support, hubby and I do have friends that are behind us...in more ways than one. We are lucky to have those who care enough to be a "shoulder to lean on" when we need it the most.

Brightest Blessings....