20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

[Fairy-Bird]

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[Fairy-Bird]

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.

PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS

1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you...

A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!"
B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!"
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.

2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..."

A. "a gada da vida."
B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..."
C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!"

3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?

A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!

4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means...

A. He's Santa!
B. He's got a facial tick!
C. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants!

5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?

A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood.
B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter.
C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.

PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS

6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do?

A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?
B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.
C. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka!

7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is...

A. Why you don't believe in God anymore.
B. Politics.
C. The weather.

8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you...

A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
B. Say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted.
C. Lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning.

9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You...

A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him!
C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it.

10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is...

A. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it.
B. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store.
C. ID4... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.



SCORING THE QUIZ:

As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.

10-22 Points:

In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it.

24-38 Points:

You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it.

40-50 Points:

You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt.

[Lilith]

very cute FairyBird

[IAKaraokeGirl]

Too funny :)

[Fairy-Bird]

There are approximately two billion children persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, hanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian behold with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected t0 pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

If you believe in Santa, I'm sorry.

ALL COMPLAINTS WILL BE CHEERFULLY IGNORED.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[Ryan²]

Or you could always read the blue text in my sig...

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[Steph]

Very funny, Fairy-Bird!!!! ROFL

[Fairy-Bird]

-Go buy a turkey
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[Fairy-Bird]

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