Sex with a Married Person

[HarleyRider6769]

Ever had sex with a Married Person ? Is it wrong to Be the "Other" In a Relationship ? I have Never Done It , And Have Never Cheated .

[jennaflower]

Nope.. never been with a married man... atleast not that I know of... altho the thought of doing so is inticing.. I don't think that I could do it...

[Nice Guy]

I've been with a married woman, she was seperated but still married.

[Cheyanne]

I have sex with a married man quite often.. hehehe... ;)

[PantyFanatic]

I always thought it was ok to have sex if you were married................... or did you mean married to eachother? ;)

[gekkogecko]

Hey!

Every time I whack off, I'm having sex with a married person!

[nikki1979]

i used to not care weather the guy was married or not....in my older years , ive not had sex w any guy whatsoever except MY husband. in all honesty , if he cheated i wud not blames the girl id blame him its not her fault . just my mentality tho, ive had so many friends call me crazy but i cant help the way i feel. LOL

~nikki~

[Loren]

Originally posted by HarleyRider6769
Ever had sex with a Married Person ? Is it wrong to Be the "Other" In a Relationship ? I have Never Done It , And Have Never Cheated .

Having been married 15 years I certainly have!


As for the question you are asking: It would depend on the state of the primary relationship. To me the immoral thing is not having sex with a married person, but acting so as to risk harm to their relationship. There are a lot of marriages where the relationship has already failed but they simply haven't split up for whatever reason. I see nothing wrong in being the other in such a situation. Trying to seduce a happily married person, though, I see as wrong.

[Ryan²]

Nope, I've never "had" a married lady. And I don't intend to, even if the most gorgeous one turned up on my doorstep now. I believe it is wrong.

[rabbit]

Yeah, I have slept with married women when I was single...twice. In both cases, they were the seducers.

Never after I got married, though (except of course with the Mrs).

rabbit

[wyldchyld]

i've been asked to have sex with a married man...was at a bar and he was in town for a funeral from texas and when we went to dance he asked me to leave with him but i couldnt do it. i guess i just look at it this way--if i ever got married, i dont want another woman sleeping with my husband. i cant do something like that to someone when i dont want it done to myself

[seaker]

I think I'm just an old hippy, I thiink sex is there for the enjoying and ther is nothing wrong with it.

[BlondeCurlGirl]

I can't say I'd rule it out. Like Jennaflower said, the thought of it is very enticing...I guess I'll make that decision when the opportunity presents itself. :eek:

[Lilith]

For me it depends on the reason you are playing around with a married person. If you are just playing to play that is one thing but if you are playing for keeps then that is quite another.

[souls_cry2000]

I've had sex with a married person(s). Whether it's wrong depends on the circumstances I gues. It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye, arm, sexual organ or sees a lawyer.

[PantyFanatic]

(that's pretty close to say I agree with you;) )

[celticangel]

well, Dm is still legaly married (seperated) so~~~~~I guess I do.........but would never be the "other" person in a relationship, knowingly

[Ryan²]

Originally posted by Lilith
For me it depends on the reason you are playing around with a married person. If you are just playing to play that is one thing but if you are playing for keeps then that is quite another.

What you mean for regular "meet-ups" ? (coz if that's what you mean, I agree).

[LixyChick]

Yes I have........but it was ok....cause his wife was there too!

On another note..........my husband (now husband) and I had sex while I was still married to another......but seperated......

and so it goes.......................

Oh geez........just say why ya asked the question hun! Not to mention........may I sit on your seat? Um........that king/queen seat I'm hoping you have!!!!???

*blink, blink*

[Sugarsprinkles]

Yes, I have. Neither of us were getting our needs met at home although we never had any intention of leaving our spouses. It's been going on for over a year, and so far we've been able to keep it a secret. Not much is happening between us anymore, but it's just a matter of circumstances keeping us apart. I'm not proud of it, but if I was getting what I need at home I never would have gone outside my marriage. I tried and tried to get thru to my husband but he just couldn't or wouldn't understand how much I needed him.

[HarleyRider6769]

Originally posted by LixyChick
Yes I have........but it was ok....cause his wife was there too!

On another note..........my husband (now husband) and I had sex while I was still married to another......but seperated......

and so it goes.......................

Oh geez........just say why ya asked the question hun! Not to mention........may I sit on your seat? Um........that king/queen seat I'm hoping you have!!!!???

*blink, blink* The Reason I asked the question was that I see it happening alot (Cheating) As I said I have never done it , and won't . I was wanting others views .
Yes You can sit on my "P" Pad , dress warm cuz it's cold in Pa. right now :D

[HarleyRider6769]

Originally posted by Sugarsprinkles
Yes, I have. Neither of us were getting our needs met at home although we never had any intention of leaving our spouses. It's been going on for over a year, and so far we've been able to keep it a secret. Not much is happening between us anymore, but it's just a matter of circumstances keeping us apart. I'm not proud of it, but if I was getting what I need at home I never would have gone outside my marriage. I tried and tried to get thru to my husband but he just couldn't or wouldn't understand how much I needed him. Hummm If you were so unhappy at home why not leave , then find someone to make you happy , understand I am not Judging , I am just curious . I am told that most women do not cheat for the sex , it the emotional needs that they are looking for , and you said you had no intention of leaving your spouse . Oh well I have been told my views are old fashioned anyway , should have been born a couple hundred years ago . No offence just tring to understand .

[Loren]

Originally posted by HarleyRider6769
Hummm If you were so unhappy at home why not leave , then find someone to make you happy , understand I am not Judging , I am just curious . I am told that most women do not cheat for the sex , it the emotional needs that they are looking for , and you said you had no intention of leaving your spouse . Oh well I have been told my views are old fashioned anyway , should have been born a couple hundred years ago . No offence just tring to understand .

I'm not her but what she said makes sense. What if you love your spouse but there's some big problem with the sex?

[HarleyRider6769]

Originally posted by Loren
I'm not her but what she said makes sense. What if you love your spouse but there's some big problem with the sex? Define Big Problem , The last time I heard the vowes they Said for better or worse in sickness and health , so If you Really loved them you would not be stepping out .

[eyesopen]

I have to agree with Lorn and Sugarsprinkles
Harley you say for better or worse but it does not say you have to jail for the rest of your life if one side of the marrage is not meeting the needs of the other. Would love to chat to you about this so I can say what I really want too.

[Virgin Teen]

I don't know...

I guess I would sleep with a married person, but only if I knew that person was seperated or they had an open relationship. I don't think I could do it otherwise. I would hate for their partner to find out and be the cause of splitting up a marriage or a family, just for sex.

Besides which, I'd hate for it to be done to me when I get married. It would make me feel so betrayed. I would much prefer (in the long run) to be told it's not working out. I'd rather be told I wasn't satisfying him and he wanted more. I think I'm open minded, I'd let him do whatever he wanted as long as long as he wasn't sneaking around behind my back like it was a dirty secret. And as long as he was safe. And of course that at the end of the day it was me he'd be coming home to (for love)... otherwise he might as well leave me there and then.

I can see what everyone's saying but this is something that affects people personally. Depends on exactly what your definations are and your points of view. Some people who say it's cheating, others would disagree. I don't think it's wrong as such, I just couldn't knowingly hurt someone (the other person) but that's just me.

I talk too much... lol.

[englishrose]

it's a tough situation to be with, but as the un-married lady, i would have to say that it's all down to the man. he's married and has everything to risk, i'm single and have nothing. it's not my conscience that will be working on over-ride, but his. and if he's willing to risk everything.... is he happy in the first place?
but, i am sure there are many different views... as with every topic!
x

[Grumble]

I was in a very unproductive marriage and I didn't have an affair.

Mind you I didn't look and if some was offered to me I don't know what my reaction would have been.

I turned down several married women trying to seduce me as a young man. I felt it was the wrong thing to do.

It is a personal judgment call

[hornyblonde]

i've fucked a married woman interested in experiencing lesbian sex. i noticed she was married the next day, bugger.

[SuzyQ]

I had a 6 month affair with a married man when I was 20 and afraid of sex. He taught me how to enjoy it. I am married and am having an affair with another woman, my hubby knows about it, and tolerates it. At my age (43) don't think I would cheat with another man, married or not, but have with cyber sex. Is cyber with another person (married or not) constitute cheating?

[SuzyQ]

Originally posted by hornyblonde
i've fucked a married woman interested in experiencing lesbian sex. i noticed she was married the next day, bugger.

I will fuck a married bi-curious or bi woman because I am interested in broadening their horizons, and because other women make just make me horny.

[snuffy]

I think so...........well,that is,unless it's me your having cyber with

[AZRedHot]

I was a married person who had a single lover. As long as everyone's aware and consenting, I think it's dandy.

[SuzyQ]

Originally posted by AZRedHot
I was a married person who had a single lover. As long as everyone's aware and consenting, I think it's dandy.

Me too...but he only wants me to have female lovers in real life...cause he knows it is a part of who I am...I don't usually cheat on him with men...but (blush) have...:hot:

[Irish]

Originally posted by HarleyRider6769
Define Big Problem , The last time I heard the vowes they Said for better or worse in sickness and health , so If you Really loved them you would not be stepping out .
I agree,It doesn't say"for better or worse,unless you want other
things".It says "For Better or Worse"!If you can't take the WORSE,
then you shouldn't take the vow.I have been called "old fashioned"also,but that's how I feel. Irish
P.S.I'm sure many will disagree with this,but thats my $.02.
If your SO agrees,"fine",but if you're not honest with them,then as far as I'm concerned,you have no relationship.You have to consider,how you would feel,if the shoe was on the other foot!

[Loulabelle]

I have been the other woman, and it's a role I did not relish and was not happy with. I do not think it's right, but more than that it is not a healthy role to take.

I have a friend who has been 'the other woman' for quite a few years now, and it suits her, because I think she can only commit so much of herself to a relationship anyway, so it seems to suit her.

[musketeer]

I have had sex with a married women who lied to me - telling me she was divorced, it was only later when I discoverd she was married, I don't think I would have done it if I'd have known.

[GingerV]

In my own defense...the divorce papers HAD been signed by all parties weeks before, they just hadn't completed processing yet ;). But I didn't know that at the time...I thought he meant the thing had gone through.

So I may have sinned in fact, but not in spirit.

Honestly, I don't think I'd sleep with a married person unless it was an acknowledge liason within an open marriage. Again, it's that do unto others thing, I wouldn't want it done to me.

But even with that, I think it's tough to judge what other people do or have done or would do. Lives are big, tough, COMPLEX things. Marriages involve at least two lives, and are much more than doubly complex. So unless you've lived someone else's life, you can't possibly judge them fairly. And what you think, even if just your own opinion, might come across as hurtful to someone already in a less than easy position. I'm not saying we can't have opinions...opinions, as my grandmother used to say, are those things that happen between thoughts. But we can be gentle rather than judgemental about how we express them. Most folks, when you get right down to it, are really just doing their best.

[dicksbro]

Yep. All the time. My wife. She wouldn't have it any other way. :D :D

:( Oh, that's not what you meant. :(

[Revy]

because I truly don't understand. If it is your SO that you really need, how can someone other than your SO satisfy you?

I've heard the same thing over and over..."my needs weren't being met, I need him sooo much, I didn't have any choice, it just happened....".
I think its bullshit. If we need and want our partner, then only our partner can satisfy our needs.

[Sugarsprinkles]

Originally posted by HarleyRider6769
Hummm If you were so unhappy at home why not leave , then find someone to make you happy , understand I am not Judging , I am just curious . I am told that most women do not cheat for the sex , it the emotional needs that they are looking for , and you said you had no intention of leaving your spouse . Oh well I have been told my views are old fashioned anyway , should have been born a couple hundred years ago . No offence just tring to understand .

Well, this woman is cheating for the sex. And I was married for 30 yrs and had gone without sex for over 13 yrs before I ever even thought about going outside my marriage. My husband is no longer capable of having sex, and I guess due to his own hangups he just can't/won't use his hands or tongue and pretty much does his best to avoid any sexual contact. I'm sure he's afraid that if he does anything at all I'll want more than he's able to give. So.........if I want any kind of affection, and most especially sex........I have to either live the rest of my life as a nun or go elsewhere.

[Irish]

SS---I can't speak for anyone else,but I was just giving MY opinion!Everyone has a different circumstance! Irish

[catbird]

I was with a married man who's marriage had been failing for about 6 years prior to us meeting. They'd been married for 17 years and his wife had no interest in him. She lived upstairs in their house and he pretty much lived downstairs. He is now MY husband and I think they are both happier. When he finally filed for divorce, they agreed that it was a big weight off both their shoulders. She told him that she had felt trapped but thought it was her duty to just keep quiet. I knew what I was doing was VERY wrong and I felt guilty about it. We just had so much in common and the more i worked with him and got to know him, the harder it became to resist the urge to be together. We've been married for 2 years now. However I do sometimes wonder- will he cheat on me?

[Sugarsprinkles]

Originally posted by Irish
SS---I can't speak for anyone else,but I was just giving MY opinion!Everyone has a different circumstance! Irish

Irish, hun, I didn't take offense at your comments at all. And my response was directed to Harleyrider6769. I realize everyone has different circumstances and I was just trying to help others understand what mine are.

[denny]

Originally posted by Revy
because I truly don't understand. If it is your SO that you really need, how can someone other than your SO satisfy you?

I've heard the same thing over and over..."my needs weren't being met, I need him sooo much, I didn't have any choice, it just happened....".
I think its bullshit. If we need and want our partner, then only our partner can satisfy our needs.

Gotta disagree, hun. Nearly anyone can satisfy our needs when our SO doesn't. Glad to hear every thing is right with your relationship but please understand that other people may have different circumstances. :)

[osuche]

I personally believe there are different types of sex, just like there are different types of love. Love is easier to demonstrate to let's do that first...

Do you love your kids/mom/family the same way you love your SO? I think not.

Now...Let's talk about sex. I can enjoy sex with my S/O -- perhaps for the emotional connection, perhaps for comfort...sometimes even because he's good at it (when he's willing, of course...which is rare). :D

But sex with someone else...perhaps because of your friendship with them, or because of physical attraction, or novelty...is different. Some people have a "need" to experience both in their lives.

Who am I to judge?

[Revy]

Originally posted by denny
Gotta disagree, hun. Nearly anyone can satisfy our needs when our SO doesn't. Glad to hear every thing is right with your relationship but please understand that other people may have different circumstances. :)

So, then, hun....

-people are replaceable? Taking that as you wrote it....if John Boys wee wee won't come out to play, I can just go to Mikey's house and play with his wee wee and be 100% satisfied, even though Mikey's wee wee is nothing like John Boy's, and I can just temporarily forget that I happen to be nuts for John Boys wee wee?

-committment means nothing?
We can go from person to person and let them fill up all the holes inside us that our partner managed to miss? It's OK to give our energy to a third party (or more) versus giving it to the *special* relationship we share with our significant other and working to make it better?
Where is the honor in that? How will this change whatever problems we share with our special significant other? (Three guesses!) At the end of the day, you're still coming home to the same problem, only now your dick/kitty can feel a little better about it. *Nods*
Ain't that just special?

_I'm 43 years old, I know all about "different circumstances". My whole life has been about "different circumstances".

_I don't recall saying anywhere at all that everything is right with my relationship.


I'm sorry if I seem hostile and close minded; I certainly didn't start out this way. But along my journey, I learned in the hardest possible manner what one persons selfishness can do to another. I learned what disrespect can do to someone you supposedly love. I learned that people are unbelievably greedy, and treat their bodies and their sexuality as if its one huge buffet table, and they are supposed to sample every single offering. I learned that at the first sign of trouble, we are oh so quick to cut and run. And I have learned that love isn't all beautiful sunrises and earth shattering passion. Sometimes, it isn't very romantic, sometimes it's unfair, sometimes it's ugly and sometimes it hurts. But always, always it is something that is worth feeding and nurturing every single day, it's not a "sometimes" kind of thing.
I just cannot see how allowing a third party into it can possibly take it where it should/could go.
And I've learned that love is much more patient and kind than we deserve it to be. It can change, no matter how hopeless we feel it is. I'd rather stick around and let it.
Don't we all want the ultimate, the very best?
When someone cheats, they are cheating more than just their partner, they are cheating the relationship, and they are cheating themselves.

Disclaimer: I'd love to start this sentence with "I'm sorry", but I'm not.
I can't stand a damn cheat, and people that think the world revolves around their sexual needs, and those so selfish as to risk hurting someone else just so they can feel good for a bit. With all the damn toys and pornographic aids on the market today, and the fact that this seems to be all about instant sexual gratification and intimacy, (though how intimate can it be with someone you don't love, someone that is merely a fuck buddy?) there is absolutely no reason good enough to decide to cheat the relationship you've committed yourself to, and the effects of what that does to the married person you're fucking and their marriage is another thread, thankfully.

Do I have all the answers? Not in the least, but I do have guidelines of how I need to live my life and I don't get to change them mid script. I do know the difference between right and wrong, and I have to accept the fact that life will seldom suit me and that every single day can't be all about me, much less about me and my kitty.:)

Thanks!

[Sugarsprinkles]

Originally posted by Revy
Do I have all the answers? Not in the least, but I do have guidelines of how I need to live my life and I don't get to change them mid script. I do know the difference between right and wrong, and I have to accept the fact that life will seldom suit me and that every single day can't be all about me, much less about me and my kitty.:)

Thanks!

Revy,
You're entitled to your opinion and feelings, just as the rest of us are. But I don't see where anyone suggested that YOU *should* go out and cheat. You have your own morals and ethics and I don't think any of us would dream of trying to get you to go against them.

But please try to understand, some of us have tried and tried to get our s/o's to understand our needs, but they have continually refused to do anything to meet our physical and even our emotional needs. I have tried for YEARS to get thru to him. It's like talking to a wall. I would rather be with him than anyone else. But it's NOT going to happen, and that's his choice not mine.
Yes, there are toys and there is porn, but that doesn't take the place of feeling wanted by another human being, feeling that you're still worth something to someone, and feeling you're still desirable. Lying in bed next to someone who, although they say they love you, refuses to touch you in any sexual way makes you feel like you're diseased or somehow repulsive to that person. So finding someone who does want to touch you and make love to you keeps you from going insane. I never went looking for a lover, never had any intentions of cheating, in fact rebuffed him repeatedly before he wore me down. You can only endure emotional and physical starvation for so long. I love my husband and in all other aspects of our life we have a very good relationship. And if by some miracle tomorrow he could and wanted to make love to me, that would be the end of my affair and my lover knows it.

[Revy]

You realize we're coming at this from the same place...pain, don't you?

I do understand, God how I do, it's just that I cannot and will not see an affair as being the solution.

I'm not judging you or anyone else, and I'm sorry if I made you feel you needed to defend yourself.
I often wonder why I always stumble right into this topic everywhere I go. (It always ends up the same way.) I guess its just wishing people would find another way, but there really is no point trying to explain it anymore. I would like to say that I'm not some cold hearted bitch just having a bad day, I've lived this, and I do understand.

[vampeyes]

All I can say is you do what you have to do ... And SS I know you are doing whats right for you and have no need to apologize or feel ashamed of it. I have had many of the same problems (which you well know) and deal with it in the ways that I do. Have I ever had sex with a married person? Yes I have. I do not apologize for it or regret it. Have I had sex outside my marriage? Yes I have but my husband has known about it beforehand in the instances which it occurred and I knew of his experience outside of marriage. I do not think everyone should just go out and have sex with someone other than thier spouse but only you can decide what you can do and live with and what can make or break your marriage. There have been long stretches (although not quite as long as SS) that my hubby has not been interested in sex at all due to both mental and physical constraints and in those times I have weighed my options and did or did not do what I felt I needed to do. So just remember don't judge another til you walk a mile in his moccasins (or in this case go without sexual contact for long periods of time :D)

[AZRedHot]

"Set free your morals should be written on every door." --Hothouse Flowers

The conversation is getting heated, but fascinating. I think it's important to know what you'll stand for, what you will not, and find the person or persons who agree with you. And be strong enough, and honest enough, to clearly state your needs. If you want life long fidelity, don't date the polyamorous person. Neither of you will be happy, and each of us deserves what we desire and need. We don't have to settle.

I have been married to my best friend for almost 10 years, together 13, and he's still my favorite person on the planet. We've had our share of marital misery, just like other people. He was my first, and has always been a wonderful, fantastic, creative, and generous lover. But that doesn't mean I wasn't curious.

I had lovers. He had a couple. It wasn't cheating, in my book, because we did it it with each others full knowledge, consent, encouragement, and, sometimes, participation. I won't say it wasn't hard sometimes--horribly hard. But I don't regret it for a minute, and I'd do it again, smarter this time. I learned that there IS a difference between love and sex, that you CAN love more than one person at a time, that there are different kinds of love. I learned a lot of things about myself and my world.

I think maybe where the feeling of betrayal may lie is not necessarily in the sex, but in the lies, the hiding, symptomatic of the breakdown (and subsequent letdown) that means you can no longer tell each other what you need, what you want.

Sometimes you can fix it, sometimes you can't. I think it'd be ideal for folks to be honest and make a clean break, or even appreciate what they have and go looking for the missing pieces, and find their bliss, but I don't know their situation. It's easy for me to give advice from way over here.

I know you're in pain, Revy. Sound like a lot of folks are. But we all will have to find our own way, make our own mistakes. And maybe there are better ways for people to ease their pain, but I for one can't fault them for finding whatever way they can.

As for your comment, "I do have guidelines of how I need to live my life and I don't get to change them mid script. I do know the difference between right and wrong, and I have to accept the fact that life will seldom suit me and that every single day can't be all about me," I don't believe the script is written. I believe you write it every day, every hour, every second. I think that with every breath, you can change your life. I think life SHOULD suit you, and if it ain't, it's time to stop suffering. You deserve joy. You were born for joy; every day is about you. It's already yours--reach out and take it.

Hugs,
Red

[HarleyRider6769]

Well Said , I too have been on the recieving end of a Cheating Spouse , My wife and My best friend of 30 yrs , some friend Huh Well He is still my best friend , He showed Me what kind of Person I was Married too , And I got the best end of the Divorce , I got everything including My kids . and He got Her Lol He really should Hate Me for that Lol . But now They are split so she has nothing . So Take Heart It really does All work out for the Best . Big ((((Hug))))

[Sugarsprinkles]

Believe me, I totally sympathize with those of you who have been cheated on for no reason whatsoever. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior and had my husband cheated on me I would have a hard time forgiving him. I have never, in all our years of marriage, refused him anything. And were the situation reversed right now and I was physically unable to perform my "wifely duties", I would stand on my head to find an alternative and do what I could to show him I love him, and subsequently satisfy him. First of all simply because I love him that much. Secondly because I wouldn't want to risk pushing him into the arms of someone willing to provide what I could not and would not. But for whatever reason he doesn't seem to think along the same lines.

Typically, men with erectile dysfunction and lack of libido, close themselves off from their women. They are afraid that if they make any sexual move whatsoever the woman will want more than they are capable of giving. So to protect themselves from feeling like a failure they give nothing at all. He tried viagra because of my repeated begging and it didn't perform an instant 'miracle' so he simply gave up and pulled even farther away. One morning after being rejected yet again I began to cry. He came around to my side of the bed, and, genuinely puzzled, he asked me "Is it really that important to you?" I tried to get through to him that it wasn't the sex alone that was important, but what hurt was that I felt him pulling away from me even further. He has reconciled himself to having no sex drive and doesn't understand why I can't do the same.

In all other areas of our life together we get along great. He is my best friend. We have rarely argued in our nearly 32 yrs of marriage. He has been there for me and with me through some very hard times, as I have been for him. We've raised 3 sons together. But I need more than a buddy and a roommate, and he refuses to understand that. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep because he can't bring himself to touch me. And I mean touch in it's simplest form, not sexual intercourse. There is no cuddling, no caressing, no stroking. And he won't let me touch him either. We may as well be strangers when we turn out the light and get under the covers. Oh he does tell me he loves me and kisses me goodnight, but that's as far as it ever goes.

It's a proven scientific fact that babies will not thrive without skin on skin contact from another human being. Do we need that any less because we are adults? I'm sorry if you can't understand.

It does hurt to be judged harshly when I know I have done everything in my power to not have to look elswhere. I won't leave him because whether anyone wants to believe it or not I DO LOVE HIM! If a miracle happened tomorrow and he was once again willing and able I would be the happiest woman in the world and my outside activities would come to an immediate end without a second thought.

I can't try to explain myself or justify my actions any more. It's too emotionally draining. I know in my heart that I don't take my actions lightly and would much prefer to be with my husband than any other man.

[south]

Once when I was single...
Let's just say it got very late, her husband had left the nightclub at which we were dancing, and there was a lot of Tequila a hot Mexican night an all too willing very attractive partner.
I felt terrible the next day for a number of reason...but got some relief when her husband said that he actually encouraged her to "Go for it!" This of course was in the Pre death defying STD days...
If the same situation occurred today…and I was single? I really don’t know what I would do probably go home and sleep on it.

[denny]

Originally posted by Revy
So, then, hun...............

-people are replaceable? -committment means nothing?
Where is the honor in that? Ain't that just special?

_I'm 43 years old, I know all about "different circumstances". My whole life has been about "different circumstances".

_I don't recall saying anywhere at all that everything is right with my relationship.

I'm sorry if I seem hostile and close minded; I certainly didn't start out this way.

Disclaimer: I'd love to start this sentence with "I'm sorry", but I'm not.
I can't stand a damn cheat, and ..................................................Do I have all the answers? Not in the least, but I do have guidelines of how I need to live my life
Thanks!

I certainly would never take that choice away from you. You should live your life however is comfortable for you. I am sorry if you thought any differently. I respect your feelings and your personal credo.
I'm also sorry about whatever has happened to you that has created your hostility and closed mindedness. Please don't let me add to it. My response was not personal in nature. Just allow me my opinion without censure. Thanks.:(

[GingerV]

I read all that has passed above.....and am taking two lessons home with me. First, that I'm a lucky girl to have the man I do.....not bragging, just thanking everyone for the reminder. Second, that life is not a "one size fits all" commodity.

I'm sorry for the pain, I can't fix any one it...and the fixer in me hates that. But I hope it helps a tiny bit that someone's learned something from it.

Hugs all around.

G

[HarleyRider6769]

Thanks for your kind words , I am not bitter about My Ex , I was at first , but as I said I got the best of Her in the Divorce . I got My kids which was the Main thing to me ( I would Have given her everything to get them) But I got the Land , House , Cars , everything all she left with was what she came in to the Marrage with , Her clothes and some odds and ends . I still have trust issues , But I am trying to work through them .

I really didn't mean to get such a heated discussion going when I started this thread...I was friends with a Married woman , and she was in a bad marrage and was tempted to take our relationship up a notch . I was just wanting some feed back .

Sugarsprinkels , I am sorry for your delima I am sure you have search your heart and soul for a long time for what to do . I am not Judging you. I have a thought I have a friend who Has the same problem your Hubby has He had an Implant put in and it has a pump and all he has to do is pump it up and go for it...He says it will stay up as long as she want it to Btw He is 60 something and his wife is in her later 20's and they had a child about two yrs ago .

[Sugarsprinkles]

Originally posted by HarleyRider6769

Sugarsprinkels , I am sorry for your delima I am sure you have search your heart and soul for a long time for what to do . I am not Judging you. I have a thought I have a friend who Has the same problem your Hubby has He had an Implant put in and it has a pump and all he has to do is pump it up and go for it...He says it will stay up as long as she want it to Btw He is 60 something and his wife is in her later 20's and they had a child about two yrs ago .

HR, Thanks for the suggestion. I do realize there are options out there and have made sure hubby knows about them. The problem is he has no desire whatsoever, and seems quite resigned to living the rest of his life this way. The men who get the implants and use other remedies still want sex but just can't get an erection. He not only can't get an erection, he doesn't care that he can't. That's the crux of the matter. He not only doesn't care, but doesn't understand why I do and thinks I shouldn't care either. *sigh*:(

He's 57, I'm 55. We haven't had sex since we were 43 and 41. We can expect to live another 20 to 30 yrs. I can't face living the rest of those years without any physical affection, even if he can.

[Revy]

Originally posted by denny
I certainly would never take that choice away from you. You should live your life however is comfortable for you. I am sorry if you thought any differently. I respect your feelings and your personal credo.
I'm also sorry about whatever has happened to you that has created your hostility and closed mindedness. Please don't let me add to it. My response was not personal in nature. Just allow me my opinion without censure. Thanks.:(

Hi,
I really am impressed with how you quoted me out of context, and how you continue to misread me.

Since this is a discussion board, I am free to discuss. I haven't called anyone names, behaved childishly, or in any way censored you or your opinions. If anything, I have said that i understand, and I do. I'm understanding and compassionate because I've lived so hard that I often felt I'd been left for dead, and would go to great lengths to spare anyone else that kind of pain. For the most part, that is why I come to places like this, to share.

Situations like those in this thread go right to the heart, and can shape a person for the rest of their life. Sometimes, it gets so kinked up that it could take the rest of our lives to repair the damage.

For me, there is a difference between being "closed minded", and knowing the difference between right and wrong. Not only do I know the difference, but I have lived out what those differences mean. I offer compassion to anyone on either side of this because I know those feelings so well.
If having a different perspective than you or anyone else equates to being close minded, then color me close minded and put me in the corner. But just know that I didn't make it this far without learning that actions create repercussions, that our actions cost us and those closest to us, and often, those we don't even know, so much more than we ever imagined. For me, there can be no happiness in hurting someone I care for, and living a lie. If any of those having affairs were to tell their SO, I'd have no problem with it. But see, I've been the one cheated on, and it hurt so bad I wanted to die and I will never forget those feelings. I've also been the daughter of a cheater, and the lifelong best friend of a cheater that cheated me with my sons father. Sorry, I have no tolerance.
Yet, I do have the understanding of how the one doing the cheating may feel when they push their SO away, because I've done that to, for reasons I didn't fully understand, much less know how to cope with. And what did I do? I cheated. I cheated with a man I'd met online, in a forum where rape was being discussed. It was emotional cheating at first. In retrospect, I realize that I was finally ready to address it and attempt to change my life, he became my crutch, that one person I would let in, that I could share all my ugly truths with...probably BECAUSE he was online and I felt safe. I needed so much to convince myself that my issues and the way I saw myself since I was a little girl were not accurate, that there really wasn't anything wrong with me, and I could perform just fine, if I just had the "right" man. *sigh*
I was so wrong.
I was miserable, so incredibly angry with myself and my mess of a life that I couldn't help but accept the truth. I couldn't go on until I finally took care of me, something I'd never done. I'd been so busy trying to outrun childhood rape that I had no feelings inside at all, except for those negative, abusive feelings about myself that I fed daily, I had no idea who I was or what I needed or wanted. All I knew was that I was wrong, everything about me and my life was wrong and it had to stop. Eventually, I completely shut down because I needed help that I never got, in the the thirty something years that I needed it. When I snapped and began to move forward, there was so much damage done from that and so many other misfires that I just couldn't turn back the clock and I ended my marriage.
Was he my soulmate, the love of my life? No. But I was his, and look what I did to him.
It was impossible for anyone to be my soulmate, I was too busy second guessing any goodness shown me, not trusting a soul and stomping on and burying anything about me that was good.

I have trouble believing that we can love someone, consider them our soulmate or whatever word you choose to describe the most important person in your life, and then share something so intimate, something that is such a precious gift, something meant to be shared with them that THEY BELIEVE is theirs and theirs alone, with someone else. How do we take feelings meant for one, and give them to another? How do we find any fulfillment from the new one, and still say that its our SO that we want and need? And how on earth can we ever explain it to them, once they find out and the questions start?
If I burn for one, he is the only one that can satisfy that burn. Anything less than that is not enough to risk that love.

In closing, (this is my belief, pertaining only to me, OK?) if I am dissatisfied with any serious aspect of my relationship, then I must take action to address it. If that action fails or goes nowhere, then I have to weigh a lot of things to determine if I stay or go. At no time does bringing in a third party ever enter into the question of how to fix what is wrong in my relationship. Thats because a third party can't fix what is wrong in my relationship.
If I need something so much so that i'm frequently in tears, unfulfilled and don't see any hope that I will ever be fulfilled, then I end the relationship. If I find myself saying, "but I love him, I can't possibly go..." then I know I've gotten down to the heart of it and I've realized that being with him is more fulfilling and makes me happier than being without him. And I'm saying all this based on the belief that he truly loves me...and I would have to play fill in the blanks with myself about that, lol. It would go something like this: "If he truly loved me, he would_____________".
See?

Oh, and I really want to make this point very clear. Most of my initial posts were addressing those that take on a third party purely for recreational, selfish, "just for physical pleasure" reasons, thinking "what they don't know won't hurt them", and rationalizing til the cows come home that somehow "it's no biggie".

Sugar, I don't know what to say to you. In ways, I have experienced and probably will continue to experience the same situation, only in my situation, it isn't so extreme and he is very willing to work on things. Since this is such a serious issue and is so devastating to you, I'd like to tell you what I really believe about your situation but I'll do so in the PM I promised you, lol. My computer is still psycho and I'm using someone elses, but I'm headed there now.

[Loren]

Originally posted by Sugarsprinkles
I can't tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep because he can't bring himself to touch me. And I mean touch in it's simplest form, not sexual intercourse. There is no cuddling, no caressing, no stroking. And he won't let me touch him either. We may as well be strangers when we turn out the light and get under the covers. Oh he does tell me he loves me and kisses me goodnight, but that's as far as it ever goes.

It's a proven scientific fact that babies will not thrive without skin on skin contact from another human being. Do we need that any less because we are adults? I'm sorry if you can't understand.

I don't see how anyone could condemn you for your actions. Touch is neccessary. You can get yourself off but you can't cuddle yourself.

[AZRedHot]

Revy,
No one is saying you're not entitled to your opinion. But your text fairly shouts anger and condemnation, and a bit of preaching, too, and I think that's what people are reacting to. You're obviously hurting, and have some deep wounds. But lashing out isn't going to help, only create new wounds. These folks aren't your enemy.

[Revy]

I give up.

[Sharni]

<====takes her opinions and backs away

Nope not worth the effort :)

[denny]

I promise not to post another word but if you do ever PM me, I will respond in a respectful manner.

[BIBI]

THE END..........


:p

[bordendazed]

Does a married couple count?

[Sugarsprinkles]

I would assume it would.

[Gilly]

I have sex with a married guy all the time. My husband.

I've never cheated, neither has he (and yes, I can say that without any doubt or hesitation). I can say that I'd never settle for being the "other" in a relationship, and personally feel that if a person has to look outside their marriage to be satisfied (without consent or knowledge on a spouses part) that the marriage is already over. I feel rather strongly about it. Why drag a marriage out if you're already looking elsewhere? There's no commitment left on your part, there's obviously something wrong in the sexual department, so why not just get the divorce, and be free to sleep around.

I'm not directing that at anyone, btw. It's just how I feel about the matter.

[bordendazed]

It's not "cheating" if it's consentual among all parties involved, IMHO.

I am one of those strange people without a possessive personality.

As long as it's OK with the wife, and on her specific terms( read as with her presence in the same general vincinity) it's OK ...

3 couples with her, and 1 consenting married female previous to this relationship.

[Coaster]

I've been married for a long, long time. I've got to admit that I've been tempted but haven't yet. My sexual level is much higher than my wifes so that has lead to fantasy's with other people. I don't believe I could just do it but i don't REALLY know.... I could do it if she participated but I don't believe that will ever happen.

So I guess I'm just stuck with an overactive mind & libido