Where the Heart Is

[BlondeCurlGirl]

How many of you find it difficult to not get personally involved somehow in your work, mentally or with your heart?

Seeing that I am the admission coordinator for a nursing and rehabilitation center, I meet quite the variety of people during my day, and I keep finding myself becoming emotionally involved with some of the sad and frustrating cases that I encounter. I have always been a person who loves people, is pretty emotional, and feels a great deal of empathy from my heart. I have had a couple of instances where I've almost been close to tears hearing about the total turn-around in personality from a stroke, to helping a 58 year old woman live out her last days in comfort care. It just really varies day to day. To me I seem to really enjoy the company of our elderly residents since my grandparents have lived 500 miles away, and it's almost like having a surrogate grandparent at times. I try my best to keep in touch with these residents, see how their stay is going, and so on. It's beyond "customer service" to me, it's more like a deeper level of caring.

I was wondering if anyone out there had tips on learning to overcome some of this without giving up this level of closeness and having to totally shuck my "I care" attitude. I have had a few nights where I come home feeling totally depressed and have tried to give myself several talking-to's about not getting too involved.

Any and all advice is great appreciated.

BCG :)

[Vullkan]

A golden heart is to be cherished. To be able to "over come" being too close to your clients is to tarnish that golden heart. Thought the pain and sarrow is yours to endure, that what makes you who you are is the other side of that sword.

There needs to be more care givers out there like you. There are only a few things that you can do but once, being born and dying are but a few

[Lilith]

BCG~ I have always sufferred from the same problem. I love my students, honestly, genuinely and when they are hurting or troubled then I feel the same. It's because we feel this way that we do the types of things we do and do them well.

I also am a Guardian Ad Litem and sometimes the stuff I do is really heavy. High emotions, families, children's lives can be at stake and it can really bog you down. A wise attorney (no that is not an oxymoron) once told me that after I have been in court or at a home or school visit I should take 3-5 minutes in my car and detoxify/de-stress myself. So I do. I sit there and listen to some music, breathe exhaling deep and try to let all the negativity or worry/concern leave with each breath. Then I inhale deeply and concentrate on positive forces in my life. I try not to take it home and dump it all over everyone there.

Now a gypsy curse says if you light a yellow candle and write your worry or sorrow on a piece of paper and burn it in the fire it will disappear with the ashes.

[Oldfart]

Lilith,

Why is that a curse?

[jennaflower]

BCG.....

First off... HUGS..... having a caring heart and a desire to help others is NOT a bad thing... it is just something that requires moderation... and that isn't always easy.

I can relate to your situation... in my line of work.. I am often put in a position where I emotionally sympathize with someone and have a strong desire to find a solution and solve their deliema... it has taken me a bit of struggling to get to the point where I am able to leave it at work...

In my situation I am fortunate to have the opportunity to spend the last 30 minutes of every work day in the company of a fantastic co-worker (yeah, he happens to be a guy) who makes me forget the stress of the day... by the time I walk out the door I am confident that I won't reflect upon my day (much).

Unfortunately tho... in my job, my concerns is more worrying about who I am gonna run into on my off time that is gonna realize what it is I do... and give me a grilling... and believe me.. it happens more often than I care to admit.

[Lilith]

Oh! Not a curse sorry, it's a spell.

[dm383]

Unfortunately I don't have any great tips re that BCG... I used to be like you when I started nursing, taking all the problems of the day home with me. So much so, that it started affecting my outside life, and it didn't help that my partner at the time (later my wife) was ALSO in the job.....we tended to talk about work or work-related stuff all the time.
Eventually we made a decision to NOT talk about it, unless there was something funny/amusing to say (there almost always is!) and now I can "leave it at the door" on the way out!

My current patner, celticangel, is a nurse also.... we try not to talk about work-stuff, and by & large are successful at that... I guess it comes with experience, and realising you can only DO anything when you're actually there.... you owe it to yourself and your family/friends to live the rest of your life, outside of work, the way YOU want, either out enjoying yourself, or here, perving!!! :D

DM

[celticangel]

Yeah, what Dm said~~~~~~~~but he is being kind~~~I have recently moved into a new area of nursing~~~acute psychi addmissions~~~~and often have to unload when I get home!~~~~~~~~~~~being able to talk (debrief!!) is very important. We try to do this at ward level~~~~as a way of supporting each other~~~~but sometimes I come home like a fiend~~~~~~~ranting and raving about all that is wrong!!!!!!!!


Guess the trick is to allow yourself to be yourself!!!!!!!! Its naturual to get close to those you care for~~~and in giving an holistic service, unavoidable!!!. In my last post I worked with folk who had learning difficulties~~most of who had been there longer than me!!(15yrs)~~~~~~~~and I was very close to many of them~~as both nurse, advocate and friend.~~~~Now the patients I care for tend to be short term~~~but still in the course of giving "unconditional postive reguard" the bond still developes.

Don't beat yourself up for caring and supporting your "charges".

My ward is one big happy(if extremly disfunctional) family!!!!!!!!!!

[LixyChick]

I hope this doesn't sound as harsh as it might...but I'm typing it anyway!

BCG........your profession NEEDS more people with a heart as big as yours! It's sad to say, but I think as time goes on you may become "hardened". I've seen it..........when Pop (hubbies grand-pop) was in a nursing home during the last few months of his life. There were but a handful of people who genuinely cared that Pop was in pain during the night......or that he pulled his catheter out for the 4th time and now required surgery. Most of the nurses and attendants found this activity in Pop and the other patients a nuisance....a true bother.....and actually got angry with some of the lesser fortunate patients. Pop was fortunate to have dad and mom there each and every day. The attendents thought Pop was off his rocker (and at times he was) but we found out some of the mean things they tried to do to him and some of the things done to others through Pop and his babblings! It was just so sad!

I'm not saying all places are like this.....but this was one of the "better" homes we found for Pop to stay. I'm just saying that there are those people who just can't remember what it's like to "have a heart" because they have hardened over the years.

No matter what happens through the years BCG.....just try and remember......one day you yourself could end up NEEDING the care that you've given so many through the years.......and I firmly believe.....what goes around, comes around!

BTW.....as to enjoying the company of the older folks........they do have some wonderful stories of days gone by.....don't they? And....as to getting over this and being depressed...........Please don't change too much! You've no idea how wonderful you could be making someones last few days! It's part of life to die.....and one should be able to die with dignity and respect........and CARING!

((((((((((((BCG))))))))))))

[jseal]

BlondeCurlGirl,

To be effective, you need engagement and passion about what you do. The demands can be infinite, but no one’s empathy is. Anyone can burn out. In order to retain your effectiveness, you’ll need to maintain a balance between the many parts of your whole life, and not let any one part consume the others.

Remember that you’ll remain most capable if you don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by your commitments.