Sex is a fading memory......

[denandbil]

I am looking for some ideas on how to bring sex back to my marriage..........someone help me please.......

My wife just doesn't seem to be interested anymore......Maybe it's the kids, maybe it's stress.

I've tried talking to her about it but nothing seems to work.

We tried setting aside 1 night each week as a special night but even that's fallen by the wayside.

I've tried massage and she complains about being ticklish. I'd even be quite happy to have just 1 night of only pleasuring her in what ever way she wants, but I don't have the opportunity.

When we do have sex she seems to enjoy it......She orgasms most times.....

I've tried asking her about fantasies....she clams up. I want to talk about my ideas and fantasies too, but without even straight sex.......I've got nowhere to go.

I'm soooooooooo frustrated. Any ideas will be appreciated.

[Lilith]

((hugs)) first off! But I was where your wife is some time ago, I think. Stress and lack of energy made even having sex too much effort. It does not mean she does not want you. It simply means she is exhausted, probably has spread herself too thin and feels like she does, does, does, for others all day then just wants to go fetal when she has down time. How old is she if I may ask?

[denandbil]

thanks for the hug Lilith.....We're both early 30's. 2 Young kids...2yrs 7 months and 16 mnths. I work full time and she part time (3 days).

We both get really tired and have the stresses of life.....and from my side this is just one more thing to get stressed about.

Thank God I have 2 hands! I'd explode otherwise!*wink*

[Lovediva]

I think it's time for a long weekend away....just the two of you.....or even just send the kids away and stay home if there is a money issue...

But going away..no kids..being in a hotel/motel really does wonders for you...and her. Get a nice bottle of wine...and just talk all night...and talk about the good old days...it's amazing how the feelings pour out of you.....when you aren't at home...

We seem to all go through this kinda phase at some point in out life...but it does get better, with love, understanding and communication......and time away!!!!!!! :)

[denandbil]

Sound good Lovediva. Maybe we could do that next year when we can con relo's into babysitting. (closest relo now is 10hr drive)

We sometimes manage a movie together (2-3 times a year).....Maybe next time we should try a porno and make out in the theatre!*lol*

[Lilith]

denandbil~ Good news she is gonna hit her sexual prime and crawl you like a cat crawls curatins. You'll not be able to beat her off with a stick, nor will you have time to beat your own stick:D;)

[Sharni]

I get into those funks....and believe me it's not a good thing from the woman point of view either....i dont mean to but the pressures of everyday life can get you down...all i want is support from my partner not more demands

It's part and parcel of being with a female i'm afraid

[Lovediva]

Well let's hope you can get away before next year!!!!


Oh and Sharnie what you said is ohhhh soooo true!!!!!!

[denandbil]

Looking forward to that time Lilith........*weg*

-Sharniqua.....I believe I understand....This has been going on for a loooooong time. I don't think that I demand anything (maybe that's my problem!).

But when I try to talk about it (I always try to pick a good time) she doesn't want to. That's what makes it sooooo frustrating. If she could share with me what she is going through or even give me some clue as to why.......

Am I asking too much?

[Sharni]

When i'm like that (and it can last a long time) i dont want to talk about it....

It's hard to explain....you feel sooo damn stretched...everyone wants a piece of your time...no freaking time to do what you want...no mummy/wife time....theres always housework..or some other damn errand that needs doing

Give her that time...look after the kids while she goes and does what she wants to...give her mummy/wife time....i bet in a short time she'll be jumping your bones *L*

[Lilith]

Listen to Sharni...she is right. Instead of spending time trying to get her to be with you, give her time to be her. More time for her to remember who she is will transpose into her having the energy and inclination to remember who she is to you;)

[denandbil]

Thanks Lilith and Sharniqua.

I have offered before and she hasn't taken the opportunity but I have now formulated a plan......*WEG*

Her next present........A day at a spa........Massage....steams......saunas and whatever else they do there.......

I'll buy her a gift voucher and drop her off one day on some pretext or other......

Good idea?

[Steph]

It seems like I'm always harping on housework but seriously, men who don't do housework are a turn off for me.

She's probably exhausted. You sound like you're trying your best. I'm not sure why she doesn't want to talk about it, though. Give her an evening for just her - cook, clean, draw a bath. Maybe you could open the lines of communication as you wash her hair while the dinner's in the oven?

[denandbil]

Thanks for the thought Steph.......I guess I have been shirking on cooking recently......Used to be about 50/50. Now about 80/20.

She never has to wash dishes and I never have to vacuum. Laundry is still 50/50.

[jennaflower]

denandbil.....

Have you considered that this COULD BE a physical issue. Yes, stress and exhaustion often play a role, but sometimes it often involves hormonal issues or depression. There is a chance that this is something that meds might be able to help with... try to approach this topic with your wife... gently... (don't let her thing you think she is crazy or mental).

Good luck.. hugs

[jseal]

denandbil,

jennaflower has a point. You'd probably be better off having the doctor say "You didn't need to see me." rather than "Why didn'y see me 2 months ago."

[Cobalt]

denandbil, I know what you are going though, but my wife is older and I don't know what to do about it either. I am starting to just give up on it, although that is very difficult since I love her so much and what to please her and my self. All I can hope for is that some of the stress in our life hopefully will go away and maybe things will change then.

[denandbil]

Thanks Jenna and jseal.....It could be. She has recently started with an implant contraceptive and I know she is experiencing some spotting outside of period times. Could definately have something to do with it. Has anyone else had experience with implant contraceptives?
Still the sex was an issue before the implant.

Cobalt.....Have you tried any of the ideas that have been put forward?

[Lilith]

denandbil~ Like Norplant with the sticks in her arm???? I hope not!

[denandbil]

Lilith.....Implanon..........1 stick.....1 arm.

[Lilith]

http://www.fpwa-health.org.au/Implanon.htm

It is related to Norplant. I would urge her to be very aware of any body changes that may take place during it's use and to never miss a pap test! If you read the information above, mood swings would be expected with any serious hormonal disruption. I am sure many people have used these with good results just be cautious. It would not surprise me that if she is no longer droppping eggs that she would also suffer from a lack of interest, be sure to have her talk to the Dr. about it like Jenna said.

[denandbil]

Thanks Lilith.........I'd also be interested if anyone has used one... Your personal experiences would be useful.

[Lilith]

My sister in law used the Norplant and had to have them removed because the spotting and bleeding never stopped and it exacerbated a precancerous condition. Here in Florida lawyersadvertise seeking clients for a class action suit against the makers. I have no experiences or knowledge of the one your wife uses Implanon. Norplant was 5 inserts that lasted 5 years and Implanon is 1 that lasts for 3.

[Cheyanne]

Well............ I am Cobalt's other half. This is how I feel about this, and I will, hopefully make myself pretty clear on the subject.

STRESS is a big issue in life, and that does not promote a constant supply of sex. Tiredness and guilt for a lack of sex drive is a contributing factor. Hormonal changes should be considered, and that doesn't help the situation either. That is the physical aspect that may lower someone's sex drive.

Now, the mental aspect. Guilt is another factor that needs to be considered. It gets to the point that if there is discussion about the lack of sex, the feelings of guilt can overcome any desire to have sex.

I feel bad that I don't have the desire for sex 3x a day, 7 days a week, like he does. I feel terrible about it, and the fact that I don't understand why my body is not willing and my mind is, well, sucks a big one!!!

Now, in your situation.........your wife may be physically exhausted. Children have a tendency to do that to a woman, and the ages that yours are contribute to that exhaustion. Also, I understand that the implants have a certain type of hormone that can inhibit the SSR production in the brain that can lead to hormonal fluctiouations and mood swings. That kind of birth control can also effect a woman physically (like you described with the spotting), and lack of lubrication making sex very very uncomfortable (so much so, that it is avoided).

In addition, what has been suggested is nice. But you should do them because you love her, not for an exchange of if I do this for you, you should have sex with me kinda thing. Sounds kinda like a bribe to me.

[denandbil]

Awesome insights Cheyanne.....Really appreciate your thoughts.

I would not be giving anything to my wife in return for sex. I realise that maybe she doesn't get enough time to herself and as I love her so and want her to be happy I am doing anything and everything out of love for her. If sex happens to be a byproduct of time to herself then great. If not then perhaps there are deeper problems be they medical, physical or emotional.

Sorry if I gave the impression of offering a bribe....... It wasn't my intention.

[mcjim623]

I can sympathize, also. Been there, done that, still here, doing that still.

Here a couple of things you can do, from the male point of view:

1) Love her. She is still who you fell in love with, and are spending your life with.

2) Be there for her---which also includes not being there for her. Take the kids out and leave her to a night of blissful quiet and peace.

3) Pick up the slack. Nothing eases my wifes stress from work than when she comes home and the house is clean, the living room is clean, the dishes are done, etc.

4) Don't add pressure or stress. Take the time to talk to her openly and honestly about it, and the possible solutions---several of which are listed above. But don't dwell on it. Bringing it up every time you are horny is a sure way to drive a bigger wedge in her.

5) When romance happens, let it happen, don't force it, don't comment the next day about how great it was. Just relax and allow the both of you to enjoy it.


In the meantime, alternate hands, use lots of lotion, take multiple showers, and enjoy yourself. You might learn a lot about yourself during this time also.


Jim

[fzzy]

I sometimes feel silly leaving a response on these type of questions, in my 40's, never married and no kids, but I've spent a LOT of time talking with friends about such issues, so I'm diving in anyway! LOL

You mention 50/50 sharing of duties and that is tremendous on your part .... many aren't anywhere near that in helping their mates, but with the age of your children, they are her really BIG responsibility ... and kids that age ... are almost always close to or attached to their mom at a physical level ... in other words ... she already has 2 little people touching her 80% of her waking hours .. and she loves them and adores most of that, but after all that touching, she may not want one more person wanting to touch her in the remaining 20% of her waking time.

If this is the case, maybe making a point of having a couple of nights a week when you take care of all activities with the kids, and one day each weekend get the kids out of the house in an activity ... she can come too, but make sure that the kids are getting time to crawl all over you for most of the time, maybe to the park and let her sit on a bench and read a novel while you take the kids a little farther away. ....

Next, find out (subtly or not) a list of 10 or so things that make her happy .... things that you can do for her, get for her, free up time so she can do, etc. and try to make sure she gets to do at least 1-2 of those things each week .... even if it means pushing her hard to do so. As one of our other pixie-ites mentioned, once she has had some me time on a regular basis, she'll feel the urge to start adding in some us time as well I think!!!

But also know that birth control in any form affects hormones and hormones affect desire for sexual and sensual time, so have her speak with her Dr. about that as well.

[denandbil]

Thanks Jim and Fzzy. And thanks to all who have responded so far.

[Grumble]

I have been where you are and tried all sorts of things, though not as many as would have been suggested if I had been at Pixies then, more the pity.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it all pans out for you.

My problem got worse and now I am out on my own trying to put my life on a better footing.

As I said I wish you the very best

[denandbil]

THanks Grumble