Incubus255
09-16-2003, 05:33 AM
Well gee golly, here I am more depressed then I've been in a real real long time and theres not a single person on any of my messengers or in the chat or anything *sigh*
Of course I don't know why I keep putting myself though this, ya think one of these times I would learn and just stop but no , lol I guess everything has just been building up as I've been rather down for the past while, but tonight it just kinda got worse
Ya know I've always done my best to keep my spirits high, I mean no point mopeing about things but sometimes I can't help but just take some downtime
sad thing is how alone I feel, even the people I care about I play second string for there feelings ,I don't know maybe it's wrong for me to want to be important to someone so much, maybe I've just become to dependant on others and hate being this lonely again
so now I"m sitting here in the the early hours of the day, listneing to Linkin park's In The End lol which has been my anthem since the day I first heard it , I really do enjoy the song, it's exactly how I feel about the way things are
of course really I"m siting here typeing this out because I have no one to chat to to keep my mind off of all my problems. so anyone who has taken the time to read this you get a big ol thumbs up lol
I'd actually rather perfer this not look like a call for sypathy or whatnot, just a combonation of bordom and depression and the strange inner urge to fight to make someone understand the way I feel inside,
I also find it amusing that so many people will say to me that it's better to loved and lost then to have never loved at all, but I disagree with that statement, ignorance is bliss, if you don't know what your missing you can't miss it, and what I had certainly isn't worth the amount of pain that I'm going though right now
however on the other hand I suppose it could be looked at as it wasn't actually love, which I suppose wouldn't only make sense , ignoreing the fact that it's a completely self serving argument of course, which is really the only thing keeping me going right now , the fact that there has to be something else out there
the sheer belief that this... disappointment couldn't possibly be what I've been searching for all this time, of course it all causes me to really doubt my own judgement , I mean if in two yeras time Icouldn't tell the difference then what do I really have to look forward to, I haven't learned how to identify love any more carefully, if anything the only thing I've learned is that it's far more ellusive then I even imagined
to make things that much more annoying I've lost yet another chat name for those of you who have heard, lol so if you see any Sammy or Samuel it's not me, just a word to the wise, don't fall for imitations, one name I could see, the fact that they both got taken only leads me to believe I'm targeted for some reason oh well doens't matter , a name is just a label, I just don't like people impersonating me
the futility of everything I do seems to annoy me to no end, it seems like no matter how hard I try I don't actually advance any, maybe I'm too young to be feeling trapped in such a rutt, I know I certainly long for the hope and happiness that love brings, perhaps to much
as for now though the highspirited samuel just fell that much further
Of course I don't know why I keep putting myself though this, ya think one of these times I would learn and just stop but no , lol I guess everything has just been building up as I've been rather down for the past while, but tonight it just kinda got worse
Ya know I've always done my best to keep my spirits high, I mean no point mopeing about things but sometimes I can't help but just take some downtime
sad thing is how alone I feel, even the people I care about I play second string for there feelings ,I don't know maybe it's wrong for me to want to be important to someone so much, maybe I've just become to dependant on others and hate being this lonely again
so now I"m sitting here in the the early hours of the day, listneing to Linkin park's In The End lol which has been my anthem since the day I first heard it , I really do enjoy the song, it's exactly how I feel about the way things are
of course really I"m siting here typeing this out because I have no one to chat to to keep my mind off of all my problems. so anyone who has taken the time to read this you get a big ol thumbs up lol
I'd actually rather perfer this not look like a call for sypathy or whatnot, just a combonation of bordom and depression and the strange inner urge to fight to make someone understand the way I feel inside,
I also find it amusing that so many people will say to me that it's better to loved and lost then to have never loved at all, but I disagree with that statement, ignorance is bliss, if you don't know what your missing you can't miss it, and what I had certainly isn't worth the amount of pain that I'm going though right now
however on the other hand I suppose it could be looked at as it wasn't actually love, which I suppose wouldn't only make sense , ignoreing the fact that it's a completely self serving argument of course, which is really the only thing keeping me going right now , the fact that there has to be something else out there
the sheer belief that this... disappointment couldn't possibly be what I've been searching for all this time, of course it all causes me to really doubt my own judgement , I mean if in two yeras time Icouldn't tell the difference then what do I really have to look forward to, I haven't learned how to identify love any more carefully, if anything the only thing I've learned is that it's far more ellusive then I even imagined
to make things that much more annoying I've lost yet another chat name for those of you who have heard, lol so if you see any Sammy or Samuel it's not me, just a word to the wise, don't fall for imitations, one name I could see, the fact that they both got taken only leads me to believe I'm targeted for some reason oh well doens't matter , a name is just a label, I just don't like people impersonating me
the futility of everything I do seems to annoy me to no end, it seems like no matter how hard I try I don't actually advance any, maybe I'm too young to be feeling trapped in such a rutt, I know I certainly long for the hope and happiness that love brings, perhaps to much
as for now though the highspirited samuel just fell that much further