Help.. am I wrong?

[racevixen]

alrite keeping this short and simple, i've been seeing a guy since april that was already in a relationship when i met him.. no, he is not married. no, they do not have kids. at first i felt horrible about it but now, not as much. i have love for him. i've asked him about her, we never really discuss her. it bothers me too much to know what he really feels for her, i've never asked, i'm afraid to... they work together and since thyve been together for awhile i think it may be just a relationship of convenience. especially since he is with me every night. he's told me he doesn't want to marry her, but who knows if he is just saying that to string me along.. anyway, i was wondering what outsiders opnion may be.... am i wrong to love him?

[Steph]

If you've got questions and you have a niggling doubt in your mind about him . . . maybe it's not the best relationship.

If he doesn't want to marry her and he's spending every night with you, why doesn't he just break it off with her?

[racevixen]

Originally posted by racevixen
\they work together and since thyve been together for awhile i think it may be just a relationship of convenience.

[Cheyanne]

I am speaking from my own views, and what would work for me and it doesn't necessarily reflect an opinion that I feel others should follow..... and, each person's reasons as to what they choose to do is their own, and I do not condemn them for that, even if it isn't something that I would do. Now that is out of the way.......

I have learned that I don't like being "used", and I would feel used in the relationship that you have described. I have learned to never doubt my hunches.. and if I had the doubts in my mind that you have expressed, I would end it with him...... It sounds to me that he avoids talking about this woman with you, and that would send up a red flag to me.

According to your profile, you are young yet, and have a lot of life ahead of you. You don't deserve a man like this who would take advantage of you and this other woman in which he has a relationship, however you qualify it as such.

As far as your question - are you wrong to love him? I cannot answer that, each person's definition of love is different. The only concern that I would have for you is this... can you AFFORD to love him? Emotionally, physically, spiritualy? Can you afford to loose yourself with a man that cannot break it off with a woman and be totally free to love you back with all that he has? That is what I would be asking myself.......

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you did ask for opinions......

[fzzy]

my thought is this ... if he could cheat with me ... he could cheat on me ... and I'd never be able to really feel a deep trust in a relationship with him. It's not so much about right or wrong, just that if I couldn't feel like I trust someone, then spending my time in loving him is only going to bring me more pain the more time I put into the relationship.

[osuche]

Try a little test (I LOVE these)...

Make yourself inaccessible for a few days (no phone calls, emails, or nights at your place). Try it for at least a week.,

See how frantic he gets. If he panics and asks what's wrong he may be willing to make concessions. If he goes on like normal, you are a mere convenience and should find yourself another beau.

[seriousfun]

Originally posted by osuche
Try a little test (I LOVE these)...

Make yourself inaccessible for a few days (no phone calls, emails, or nights at your place). Try it for at least a week.,

See how frantic he gets. If he panics and asks what's wrong he may be willing to make concessions. If he goes on like normal, you are a mere convenience and should find yourself another beau.

Ladies, please don't test your men! We are far too stupid to know if we are being tested :fly: and your test results will be innacurate.

ummmm ask him what he wants. He (being a guy) might not know what he wants (other than the best of both worlds) and he might not be able to articulate it. Take his answer at face-value, and if you can live with it, stay with him and do not try to change him. If you can't live with it, bid him a fond farewell - there is always someone else in line after him.

No, you are not wrong to feel love for him, but you must put you first.

[racevixen]

actually.. I did that a few days ago. and not to test him, but to get myself time to think. I didn't talk to him for 4 days, didn't see him for 6. He came over last night after the 6 day absense, held me for a long time, told me how much he missed me, and when we got intimate, he held me, kissed me, didn't ask nor indicate he wanted the same kind of "attention" back at all.. it was nice, made me feel like he actually did miss me and want me.



Originally posted by osuche
Try a little test (I LOVE these)...

Make yourself inaccessible for a few days (no phone calls, emails, or nights at your place). Try it for at least a week.,

See how frantic he gets. If he panics and asks what's wrong he may be willing to make concessions. If he goes on like normal, you are a mere convenience and should find yourself another beau.

[Steph]

Originally posted by racevixen
alrite keeping this short and simple, i've been seeing a guy since april that was already in a relationship when i met him.. no, he is not married. no, they do not have kids. at first i felt horrible about it but now, not as much. i have love for him. i've asked him about her, we never really discuss her. it bothers me too much to know what he really feels for her, i've never asked, i'm afraid to... they work together and since thyve been together for awhile i think it may be just a relationship of convenience. especially since he is with me every night. he's told me he doesn't want to marry her, but who knows if he is just saying that to string me along.. anyway, i was wondering what outsiders opnion may be.... am i wrong to love him?

I don't understand - you say they work together and it's a relationship of convenience. How is that convenient if he spends all his time with you?

I think you know the answers.

Look at the title of your thread "Am I wrong" - yet you never address that in your post. You felt guilty because of the relationship . . .

Are you willing to spend your time with someone who is taken?

[Incubus255]

I just have to say that you really should talk to him about these things taht your afraid to, I know it's scary and all but it's realy quite important

I wouldn't be the other guy in a relationship, not because I give a damn about the first guy lmao, although I certainly don't want to step on anyone's toes so to speak, but simply because I wouldn't be comfortable with shareing someone with someone else, but hey thats just me


The longer you stick with him without knowning for sure the more it is going to hurt later on if things go sour

sorry if I sounded a bit harsh there but I hate seeing nice girls walked on like that

[LixyChick]

Originally posted by racevixen
actually.. I did that a few days ago. and not to test him, but to get myself time to think. I didn't talk to him for 4 days, didn't see him for 6. He came over last night after the 6 day absense, held me for a long time, told me how much he missed me, and when we got intimate, he held me, kissed me, didn't ask nor indicate he wanted the same kind of "attention" back at all.. it was nice, made me feel like he actually did miss me and want me.
Did he call at all in the four days you didn't talk? Leave any messages? Try to get a hold of you? Beg you on your machine to "please pick up, I miss you and I know you are there"?

This guy is having his cake and eating it too! I truly never understood that quote in reference to actual food......I mean, if your gonna have a piece of cake....you gotta eat the damn thing or it'll go stale! But in reference and context to relationships.....it's been a no-no since the big bang!

Honey.........I agree with all comments above......except the testing part (sorry osuche....just that, my opinion differs). Relationships shouldn't be mind games.......and if you feel love for someone.....you should be able to voice your feelings without fear of loss! If you do voice yourself....and you lose him because he doesn't want to talk with you about your concerns or be bothered by such deep emotions............he was NEVER yours in the first place! Relationships are give and take. He's taking and you are giving! That's not the give and take I mean!

You say, when he finally came over....he held you......he voiced how much HE missed you.......then....you were intimate......and he held you some more, but didn't indicate that he wanted the same in return.......This is the proverbial "red flag" that Cheyanne spoke of! It may have been a euphoric moment for you in the afterglow.........and I hate to ruin what I feel has settled in your mind as "proof" of his caring........but did you check to see if he hadn't just fallen asleep?

I'm so sorry to sound so harsh..........it's just that (at my age) I've experienced and heard of this scenario so much.....I just want to pass along some insight so you can have a base to stand on when you finally come to your senses (love is blind....but the neighbors ain't). Just come right out and ask him what you want to know! Put it all down on a piece of paper if you feel nervous about it.......then pick a moment out of the bedroom, but not out in public, and tell him you have some concerns and questions and you'd like to know his thoughts and feelings about you as a couple before this relationship can go any further.

If you can trust him in thinking that the "other" relationship is just one of convience (though, I still don't understand what that "relationship" is......sex, friends, she's secondary g/f in case you two don't work out????......I dunno!), then why can't you trust him to withstand any question of doubt and reassurance you might have and need to have answered? If he cares for you the way you think he does......he'll be there at the end of the entire conversation and he'll make you feel rest assured that you needn't worry.....but that you are his heart and he is happy he is your heart!

Fair warning though............if he get's angry that "you have to ask".......if he refuses to talk about "such nonsense"........if he tells you, "you should know" how he feels and you shouldn't need to ask (but he never does speak from the heart)......if he get's so angry that he says "he's leaving till you come to your senses and realize how posessive and jealous you are being" (it's NOT posessive and jealous to have concerns when you are involved in a relationship and another person is also, directly involved).....or any scenario like that.......then you'll have your answer....and you know you will!

One more thing.......Is he living with her? You say, "he came over to your place"......you say, "when we met he was already IN a relationship"...you say, "and since they have been together for a while"..........but none of this is really clear! I promise racevixen.........we are only on this forum to help.......not judge.....and in order to dish out intelligent and helpful advice......we have to know just where you are coming from. With all the information you've supplied (or evaded), it leaves alot of blanks to actually say if you are enabling him (with your love) to "have his cake and eat it too"!

[racevixen]

NOPE. They do not live together.

[Incubus255]

a relationship out of convience, they aren't living together, and he doesn't plan on having a future with her....... and why are they together?? I'm sorry but like I said, just tell the guy to make up his mind, from what he's been telling you he'd obviously pick you, and if he doesn't then you know that he'sjust been stringing you along, no one should have to put up with that

[celticangel]

hope things work out for you~~~~~~~~~~does the othe girl know about you~~~~is a relationship of convence to her?

I live with a guy who was unfaithful~~~~~~the other girl didn't know about me~~~~~he had spun her a mix of lies and half truths

Basically all I'm saying is take care sweetie and be strong!

hugs!

[racevixen]

thanks all. We had an in depth chat. They broke up. She quit her job. We're going out of town this weekend. Hopefully, a new and wonderful start to us... just us.

[Incubus255]

Woot woot, Congrats Vixen! I'm glad everything worked out for the best ^__^ enjoy your new start!