Little Johnny

[Sharni]

For his birthday Little Johnnyasked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!"

[Sharni]

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."

She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"

[Sharni]

Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."

"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"

"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

[Sharni]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

[Sharni]

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."

"No, she isn't," said Johnny.

"Why not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.

[Sharni]

One day. little Johnny heard some strange noises coming from his parent's bedroom, so he walked in to see what was going on. To his surprise, he found his father on top of his mother. "Daddy, what are you doing?"

"Umm... I'm playing poker, Johnny."

"Then, what's Mommy doing, Daddy?"

"Umm... she's my wild card, Johnny."

Johnny appeared to be satisfied with the answers and walked away.

The next day, little Johnny spent the entire morning in the bathroom. His father started to get worried, so he knocked on the bathroom door. "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"

There was no answer, so his father opened the door only to find little Johnny in playing with himself. "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!"

"I'm playing poker, Daddy."

"Oh, really... well, where's your wild card?"

Johnny grinned and replied, "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card!"

[Cheyanne]

LMAO :D Luv Little Johnny Jokes...

[Sharni]

Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest.

The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?"

A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet.

Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?"

Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"

[Sharni]

Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."

Little Johnny seemed to take Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened, his father questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Little Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."

[Sharni]

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck like this?"

Sally holds up her hand and says it's a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next, the teacher holds up a picture of a zebra. Again, no hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes like this?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it's a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next, the teacher holds up a picture of a deer. Again, no hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See the big antlers on this animal? What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint,"says the teacher. "It's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is -- it's a horny bastard."

[Sharni]

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three," asked the teacher.

"Four," answered little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," praised the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack," answered little Johnny.

[Sharni]

The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.

The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."

The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word."

The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo- choo."

The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."

Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.

Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.

"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

[Sharni]

One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.

Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."

The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary.

Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven."

The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"

By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"

The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."

Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."

The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"

"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"

[Sharni]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "thou shall not kill."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.

Later, Little Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"

Little Johnny says, quite honestly, "No."

She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again, "Now do you know what I want?"

Again he answers, "No."

She spreads her legs spread-eagled across the bed and asks him the same question again, "Now do you know what I want?"

Little Johnny answers, "Yeah. You want the whole fuckin' bed to yourself."

[Sharni]

"Why do you look so glum today?" the teacher asked young Johnny.

"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.

"You poor dear," said the teacher.

"Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"

"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"

"Can you touch your butt with your penis?"

"No," replies Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not big enough," explains the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.

Little Johnny then asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"No," says Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.

"Then go fuck yourself... these are my cookies!"

[Sharni]

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Mommy, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?" asked his mother.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, the other day Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an 'r' after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

The next day the regular teacher is still sick. When Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.

Little Johnny thinks hard, and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right," she coaxed.

Then, after a few seconds, Little Johnny's eyes light up and he asks, "Is it Mrs. Crunt?"

[Teddy Bear]

OMG Sharni these are great!! Thanks for the much needed giggle.

Teddy :D :D

[Sharni]

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child, Little Johnny.

The doctor instructed Little Johnny to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

Little Johnny did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

No sooner had he done this than another baby pops out, than another, and yet another. A puzzled Little Johnny quickly blows out the lamp.

The doctor yells, "What did you do that for?"

"The light's attracting them!" replied Little Johnny.

[Sharni]

One day an insurance salesman knocked on the door. Little Johnny answered the door and was asked if his mother was home. Little Johnny said, "No, she's at the whore house." The salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and Little Johnny replied, "No, she's a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush." The salesman replied, "Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bitch." Little Johnny said, "Heck, I'm a son-of-a-bitch too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks."

[Steph]

God love Little Johnny! :) Thanks, Sharni!

[Sharni]

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"

"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to draw Little Johnny out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but Daddy always says that when Mommy and sis' start *cycling* together, it's time to get the hell out of town."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

[Lilith]

:o :D:D:p *giggles*

[dicksbro]

ROTFLMAO Sharni. Those were terrific. A few I'd heard before, but most were new. TY. :D

[RandyGal]

THANKYOU! These were WONDERFUL!!!

*snort* Mrs Crunt!!! LMAO!!!!!!!

[campingboy]

Thank-you. Those were great. That filled my quota of jokes for the day.

[Sharni]

But wait theres more :D

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Little Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, ma'am!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, ma'am, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. When the neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say 'fuck' the dog ate him!"

[Sharni]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?"

"To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" Little Johnny started. "Giving up so soon?"

[Sharni]

Little Johnny's school got a new teacher. This new teacher was an atheist and proud of it. In fact, he was always talking about it, and since the kids were fairly young, he intimidated them.

One day he boldly announced, "My mother was an atheist, my father was an atheist and I'm an atheist. How many in this room atheists?"

The kids were all afraid of the new teacher, so they all raised their hands -- all except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked him, "Well, what are you then?"

Little Johnny said, "I'm a Christian. My mother is a Christian, my father is a Christian and I'm a Christian too."

The teacher then sarcastically snarled, "If your mother was a moron and your father was a moron, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny thought for a moment and meekly replied, "I guess that would make me an atheist."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny was playing in the living room with his electric train set that he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes.

His mother heard the train stop and heard him say, "All of you assholes that want to disembark, get off the damn train. Any of you bastards wanting to board, get on the damn train cause we are fixin' to take off."

His mother immediately dropped what she was doing, ran into the living room, yanked Little Johnny up and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go up to your room and don't come out for at least two hours."

Little Johnny went to his room and returned in two hours. He started playing with his train set again. His mother heard the train stop and Little Johnny said, "I would like to thank those of you traveling with us today and don't forget your personal items as you leave the train. Those of you boarding the train, please store any of your carry- ons in the overhead bins or store them under your seat and we will be leaving shortly."

His mother was just as proud as she could be. Then Little Johnny says, "And for those of you that are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Sharni]

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of M&Ms, licking the family cat and then standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again.

Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.

"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to?"

"I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel," Little Johnny replied. "You know, popping pills, licking pussy and moving on."

[Oldfart]

Teacher asked her class "If there were three crows on the fence and I shot one
How many would be left?"
Little Johnny put his hand up and said "None."
The teacher said that he was wrong, the answer was two.
Johnny said that if he shot at a crow, they all flew away.
The teacher said that he was wrong, but she liked the way he was thinking.

Little Johnny said to the teacher, "Three ladies eating ice-creams.
One taking big bites, one taking small bites and one licking the ice-cream
in long strokes. Which lady was married?"

The teacher said, probably the one licking in long strokes.

Johnny said, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking."