Sexually frustrated marriage. Help

[girls_rule]

My sex life is a mess and I don’t know what to do other than vent here at Pixies in the hopes that I can find an answer to my long-time problem. I’ve been married for over 10 years to a really wonderful man. We have a great life together and are still very much in love. We have so much in common, but inside the bedroom we are opposites. He’s older than I am so that plays a small part, but my sex drive is ten fold of his. He has some minor health issues that makes him not feel 100% and that is a huge part of his lack of sex drive - I think. Day to day he’s very affectionate, hugs and kisses, we hold hands all the time, snuggle on the couch, but we only have sex once a month when times are good, usually it’s more like once every 2-3 mths and it’s not spectacular when it happens either. We’ve talked about it a lot and he’s said that not feeling great makes it hard for him to get in the mood. I have tried to be very understanding since not feeling good is no fun and I realize that at least for most people pain and sex don’t mix. We’ve talked a lot about this and I’ve explained that we need to improve our sex life and he said he’d be interested in having sex more too and that we need to liven it up that after 10 years together it’s just humdrum. I am very interested in trying anything and would love to let loose sexually with him, but I never have because his lack of interest makes it all too awkward so things don’t get too wild and overall when we do have sex I am never satisfied. It’s not ridiculously boring, like some posts I’ve read where sex only happens in the dark of night almost fully dressed. We watch porn together, I wear lingerie, occasionally we enjoy oral, but there’s not a lot of passion is mainly what I’m getting at. I have tried to be more aggressive since he did say he wanted to improve our sex life too, but the timing is always wrong and he makes it clear that it’s not going to happen. Like he’ll say wow, I’m exhausted tonight when earlier we talked about messing around. Now I could take charge and attack him anyway, but at this point I’m so discouraged and have learned from the past that it wouldn’t be much fun if he’s not in the mood and it’s hard for me to throw myself at him. I'm a sexually charged person on the inside, just not on the outside. I need the right environment...like maybe some alcohol to be as aggressive as I want and not be inhibited. I’ve spent my whole life struggling with my sexual nature and being sexually deprived, I’m just getting tired of it. I don’t know what to do, I could say that I’ll put more effort in and take matters in my own hands when I’m really in the mood, but I know I won’t do that. We’ve already had the conversation a million times and we always say we’re gonna try. He feels like he’s expected to just instantly perform and I explained it’s just the opposite. I told him when he’s not in the mood that we could just snuggle, play around a little and that it doesn’t have to end with intercourse, hell that’s not the best part to me anyway. We say all of this and then nothing changes. Like I said earlier his health plays a big role in this and it’s hard to get mad at something that’s out of your control. On the other hand I feel like a little effort would be a good thing here. I think he needs to be more open to my wants, like if I’m in the mood and asking for intimacy that he should let loose and see what plays out, I won’t get mad if we don’t have full blown sex, but what does make me mad, and also feel unloved is to have him turn away from me…so to speak. Outside of the bedroom we are extremely active people so the not feeling good thing makes sense as far as him getting in the mood and getting his pal to cooperate, but if we have energy to run around all day we can play around at night. I’ve tried getting him drunk to get him in the mood and that doesn’t help. I just don’t know what to do. I wish just standing in front of him naked would do the trick, but his sex drive is pathetic…or is it? I know he pleasures himself, not a lot, but if he found me during these times I’d feel like we were having enough sex. I know that’s much less effort and I have no problem with him doing it occasionally, but if he’s in the mood why not include me? I look great so it’s not that I’ve fallen apart. I thought that was it originally, but I’ve lost a lot of weight, not that I was at all fat prior, but that didn’t do it. I know he finds me sexually attractive, he's always hinting at playing around, but then we don't do it, it's like tonight you're all mine and then the evening comes and goes and he's too tired, we get home too late whatever. Why we didn't do it at that time I don't know! I’m at a loss here. I love him and can’t imagine life without him, but how much longer can I deny myself sexually. He’s older than I am so this is only going to get worse. What do I do? I hate to even say this, but if I traveled on business trips…which I don’t I’d be so tempted right now. Would I do anything, I hope not, but who knows with the way I feel. Is there any hope for us or should I find another way to vent my energies and not worry so much about our sex life? I know so many people where the only thing good is their sex life and they won't make it. I'm the lucky one considering, but yet I want it all!

[skipthisone]

I cannot begin to say how I feel for you on this. You are the opposite gender in my situation. I have read and read and read here at pixies and have yet to find a solution other than to keep on trying to get my wife to come around. Talk and talk, but like you I get discouraged and just dont feel like trying only to be rejected.

I hope you come up with a solution and then share it with me. Good luck.

[Vigil]

I really want to say that I am totally unqualified to offer an opinion other than that I am a guy who has been married for a similar length of time as you.

Looking at tantric sex has been great for me and I would have a look at

www.thesexacademy.com

have a good look at - to read - how to - erotic massage - male

This may help to refocus sexual energy.

Good Luck!

Is it illegal to spike a drink with viagra? When we have had lean times it has been a case of breaking the ice.

[Steph]

I feel for you both . . . my boyfriend is in the mood more than I am . . . I try to make an effort to keep up with him. For us, I think the important thing is we know our desires are different but we try to compromise.

[Loulabelle]

OMG I have so much I want to say to you sweetie! My post may be longer than yours!

First of all, I can COMPLETELY understand the reason you're feeling bad. Women are brought up to think that all men are interested in is sex and that being attractive is the be all and end all of life. As much as our brains tell us that that isn't true, there is some instinct in women that NEEDS to be found sexually attractive. We want men to want us, and that can be more important than the act of sex. Don't feel bad about feeling like that. It's natural. But don't expect him to understand, because men don't operate in the same way to women (proven psychological/ physiological fact - NOT generalisation).

Now, perhaps we should have a look at his point of view. Obviously, I haven't spoken to him directly and I'm not a guy, so I'm theorising on what might be going through his mind, consciously or subconsciously.

He has been married for ten years to a beautiful younger woman whom he loves and adores in everyway. She is a sexually vibrant energetic, thoughtful caring loveing person whom he really doesn't feel he deserves. She wants sex but he feels a little intimidated: he wants to please her more than anything else in the world but it's a frightening thought that he might fail. What if doesn't turn her on? What if he doesn't perform well enough to satisfy her? What if she is shocked by the more wild fantasies he uses during masturbation? Remember that the more a person cares for you, the more vulnerable that person can feel (through no fault of yours girls-rule, this is an internal thing which the outside world has little effect on) and the harder it becomes to open up to them sexually.

Unfortunately you two are now in a situation where, you are both suffering from a lack of confidence, which will prevent either of you being forthcoming and putting your money where your mouths are sexually. You're frightened of trying to seduce him and failing, he is frightened of disappointing you. Go ahead and ignore me if you think I have it all wrong - I won't be offended. But if this strikes a chord in you, then bear in mind that working out the cause of the problem can be half of the answer to it.

As for practical solutions: it's clear that you and he have a lot of respect in your relationship and perhaps he needs to know that you can still respect each other while being more sexually open and explicit with each other. There are two ways of talking about sex: you can talk about it the way we are talking about it right now or you can talk about it on a more personal level. Try making a promise to each other that no matter what the other person says - no matter how shocking or surprising etc the other person's revelation might be, that you won't be shocked or repulsed or embarassed and you won't mock them. Then disclose some fantasies to each other....talk about the things that really tip you over the edge during masturbation, the things that really make you hot when you're watching porn. Talk about it in detail, try to extract exactly what it is about any given scenario that turns you on. Hopefully this will break down some barriers and it will also give you an insight into ways you can seduce him where he won't be able to say no. No matter how tired etc he's feeling. Focus on the positive sides of your relationship and on the positive sides of sex rather than only discussing your sexual problems which will bring you both down.

Perhaps you could try making a pact that you won't just 'try harder' but that you'll reinvent yourselves sexually (not necessarily physically) and that you'll shrug off the old expectations you have of each other in terms of sex. Promise yourselves that the next time you make love it's going to be as though you are two strangers who have just met and eny of the bad habits you've fallen into sexually will be abolished. Lie on the opposite side to him that you normally do, if you normally keep your eyes open, close them or vice versa. If you think he'd like a wild and dominating woman for the evening, just do it - don't think about 'what will he think of me - I feel silly' because you've promised each other that you won't think badly of the other person. Even if you try something new to you - a new position or new phrases to use in bed and it fails horribly, just agree that it doesn't work, have a giggle about it and try something else.

I know that all this is easier said than done, but you are very lucky. You have something a lot of people here would kill to have: a partner who is willing and keen to work with you to improve your sex life. All you both need to do now is take a deep breath, pluck up your courage and jump into the water.

Good luck - and sorry to go on so much. x

[ericthered]

GirlsRule,

Listen to Loulabelle - she is talking good sense, as always.

It sounds to me as if your situation is not completely bad. You are discussing it and, most importantly, he masturbates, so there must be some drive there. Try encouraging him to do it when you are with him. Put your head on his shoulder, and ask him to get himself erect while you cup his balls in your hand. That's it - don't ask for any more at first unless he wants to carry on. Eventuallyhe should be able to masturbate with you helping and when you have his trust in this situation, you can masturbate to - at least you'll be doing something together.

The other thing to consider is going to the doctor together. Make sure you go to a sensitive one, and explain your problem. There might be simple fix with testosterone to increase his drive. If the doctor can't help, get a referral to a sex therapist. There has to be some way to improve on what you've got.

[skipthisone]

Good posts Lou and Eric, both sound advice

[Casperr]

Eeep, what more to say than what Lou and Eric said!

I definitely agree with Eric that perhaps seeing the doctor could help... it could be that some medication he's on because of his health has lowered his sex drive somewhat.

Good luck!
CasperTG

[girls_rule]

In response to Loulabelle's comments. Well said, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. You're absolutely right, we need to think more about the positive sides of our sex life and our relationship overall and not dwell on the bad. I think that will help alot. The whole discussing our fantasies and that sort of thing is really hard because he's uncomfortable with it. I think we're both getting better and opening up more...just a little bit though, like what type of women do you like, blonde, brunette, etc given the choice of a one night stand, any accents get you excited, nothing more intense than that, but it's a start! I remember one time I found porn site links on our computer and I mentioned them to him and he was like, oh I checked it out once and I didn't like it. Well too bad because I do, but the truth was he looked at them all the time, but couldn't admit it to me even though I told him I don't mind. He was just so uncomfortable about it. I guess way back then I shouldn't have given up on it, it was a bigger issue than I thought. After 10 years how do you re-invent yourself and your relationship?????

I guess I'm the one more interested in moving our relationship to the next level so I need to take the bigger risks and put my needs out there. One glass of wine goes a long way to getting me to open up. Hopefully if we can just get in a few good no pressure sessions we can really open the gates to more fun for both of us. We had fun last night so I'm going to try to keep things going, but sometimes I feel like I'm annoying him. Like I tell him how sexy he is and grab his ass, that sort of thing and instead of getting him excited he's like, what's gotten in to you, no more wine for you. He says it jokingly, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and definetly not confident to try anything even remotely risky like masterbating in front of him! I guess I'll keep it up and when I'm in the mood to be playful I won't hold back. It's my only hope. If he comments on my new attitude I'm going to start telling him I'm just being me and acting on the feelings I've always had. He can either accept it or not and if things don't change after I put in 100% effort then I'll re-address the situation. Wish me luck!

[Loulabelle]

Girls-rule - YOU RULE! That's an excellent idea! I'm glad to see you getting more positive and the more you say the more it sounds like my suspicions were right.

His jokes about 'How much wine have you had?' are meant to be self deprecating (just like how when Fussy tells me I'm beautiful, I tell him he needs his eyes testing). I think the next time he says something like that, you need to persist with it. Tell him 'No it's true....it's not the wine....you turn me on all the time, it's just that when I've had a glass or two I'm brave enough to tell you'.

And as for the porn: Yay! There is a sexual animal under there. Probably far more sexual and wild than you could imagine. Sounds to me like he loves and respects you so much he's afraid to let this side show in case you disapprove or are frightened by it. In that case, all you need to do, is show you that you're not.

A lot of men grow up being told that sex is a dirty thing that women don't enjoy, but just endure, and that a 'nice girl' wouldn't do this that or the other. Perhaps you are up on a pedestal to him, and too good to be debased by the kind of sexual acts he really enjoys. Again, you need to show him (and teach him) that you can indulge in the kind of sex that gets him going and hungry for more, without him losing respect for you. Just because you are a sexual person capable of being dirty and wild, doesn't mean that you are any less intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, respectable than you were before. This may be a new concept for him, and may be the barrier you need to overcome.

Lastly, does he know you're at Pixies? And if so, what is his reaction to this place? And if not, have you thought about showing it to him. Just perusing some of the threads here may reassure him that his fantasies are normal and healthy and that women share them too. This way perhaps he won't feel such fear about discussing them with you.

I'm giving you the advice I should have recieved when I was with my ex....so I do speak from experience (except that I was the one in your husband's role). Good luck sweetie, but I just KNOW it's going to work out for you.

x

[huntersgirl]

Originally posted by girls_rule
I guess I'll keep it up and when I'm in the mood to be playful I won't hold back. It's my only hope. If he comments on my new attitude I'm going to start telling him I'm just being me and acting on the feelings I've always had. He can either accept it or not and if things don't change after I put in 100% effort then I'll re-address the situation. Wish me luck!


Good luck!!!! Just go for it! Maybe taking that leap of faith will open him up too. I give you lots of credit for having the guts, I know it will be hard, but I think you are on the right track.:)

[shygal]

b

[girls_rule]

Wow Loulabelle, you should be a counselor, you were right on targe with all of your comments. He makes those jokes for the exact reason you said and just today I did tell him that I always find him sexy, wine or no wine and at the time I was completely sober! It’s hard to get over years of programming, good girls don’t do that, girls who enjoy sex are sluts. I think for us we have that from both sides, not to any extreme, but there’s a bit of that thinking going on. We are best friends so it’s hard to see each other as wildly sexual people, but after spending a little time on Pixies I am feeling more and more confident that we can both come around. He doesn’t know about Pixies, I don’t think he’s ready to open up and admit that he can enjoy a site like this…heck, I’m not even ready to admit it to him yet. Gotta get over this fear of being judged. I have to be comfortable in my own skin before I can bring him in to my new found sexual energy. It’ll be a long road! Thanks for being here to help me down it.

[Cannibalicious]

all I can say is that your story is so familiar to me it's scary, except that i'm the guy and sexually frustrated with the lack of motivation on my girl's end. I wish I could offer some great advice like louabelle, but it sounds like I should post up my story and hope she has some good advice for me :)

[cowgirltease]

1. Viagra works wonders.

2. Sex "appointments" really turn me off. Maybe him too.

3. Be spontaneous.

4. Get a favorite "toy" and get after it while he's watching and leave the option for him to join his decision. Most men I think just couldn't resist. If not, have fun anyway. I know it drives my man wild to watch.

[GingerV]

Girls-rule....first, love the name. Second, listen to Loulabelle...she's dead right on this one. But it sounds like you've already figured that out ;-).

On a slightly different tack, you mentioned a medical condition and hinted at something that might be a kind of chronic pain. Something to remember about that sort of thing (if I spotted it right) is that chronic pain cycles during the day. Which may be part of the reason why he's able to go out and play with you during the day, but hurts too much in the evenings. You said a couple of things that made me think you guys are more active in the evenings ("you're all mine tonight" sorts of things), which might BE part of the problem. While everyone has different peaks and dips, generally the "bad" times are first thing in the morning (if he's on medication for it, 'cause that's when he'll have gone without for the longest time) and last thing at night (for other reasons). People in your shoes just have to master the joys of mid afternoon sex with nighttime cuddles ;-).

I think you've gotten tons of good advice here. I'd just add that I think you're right that you're going to have to lead this dance, for the time being. The two of you may have a lot of relearning to do...behaviour patterns are tough to break, ask any ex-smoker. But it can be done! And it's so worth doing. But baby steps are the right way to go at first.

In addition to the great advice you've already gotten, a couple more gentle nudges have crossed my mind. If he's not comfortable right away with you helping him masterbate...maybe one of those nights when he's too tired and you've had your glass of wine...you could ask if he'd just watch you? It's a big thing for you, I know...but might not be such a big thing for him. And it might put a chink in his armor. And I did have another idea.....what was it.....oh right! Bedtime stories. There are erotic stories out there that are gentle, and subtle, and play more on the emotions than the physicality of sex. If he can be turned on by words, you could start reading him those. It won't always lead to sex, but it will open the door...just a bit.

Most of all, though....stay with us. I can't think of a better place to reprogram your own mind and celebrate your successes ;-). Besides, I want to hear the happy ending to this one.

[LixyChick]

Excellent advice! Boy oh boy we have some really smart and helpfull people at Pixies! GingerV's last statement to stay with us is the best by far! Though most of the advice here isn't from a doctor........it is teriffic advice in that it's from real life experiences and from the heart.......and not from books that teach a single solution to a multitude of people with similar problems yet subtle differences. All the different perspectives are what makes it well worth asking for the advice in the first place. What might be missed in one response, can be touched on in another. Then you can consider all the advice from each post that applies to you and your own personal situation. You'd pay a king's randsom for that kind of counseling from individual therapists!

Best of luck hun!