I'm not attracted PHYSICALLY to my wife.

[silentsoul]

okay it kills me to say that because she truely is a beautiful woman. I've been helping her with self esteem issues ever since we met. As I said she is absolutely beautiful ... it's just that far more beautiful inside than out.

This has never bothered me before because up until now I've had no temptation. Now enters Moe (for Melissa), sister of a neighbor. I wish my wife looked like her.

Because of this I find myself thinking of infideality. I have only cheated once on a woman and that was unfourtunately her.
NOTE: I use the term "cheated" loosly. We seperated temporarily earlier in our relationship. I held off on doing anything more than feeling her up until after my wife and I seperated.

I have what seems to be unusually high morals and cheating is right at the top. Because of this I tend to be willing to be her slave almost. I don't really mind it most of the times and it's the least I can do.

I don't know what the hell's matter with me, I'm so damn confused!

any advice would be welcome, well duh'
Thanx

[jennaflower]

silentsoul...

tonight doesn't seem to be a good night to give advice.. tho I do have lots to say on this.. I think I might be wise to sleep on it and get back with ya :)

so for now.. I will only offer you hugs... and a smile... and a hope that you won't make any drastic decisions without really thinking on this...

I am curious tho... what about your wife is it that you aren't attracted to... can you explain that further? Is it her height, weight, hair color? Is it something physically she can, or can't change?

Hugs

[Master1012]

First off - Cheating is VERY BAD.. dont think about it at all! I understand the almost going to slave thing because I was so worried about being tempted by other women that I practically avoided making friends with women so that my .. now ex-girlfriend wouldnt grow worried that I'd cheat on her because she thought she didnt look so hot. I did my best to make her feel better about herself and it had some success. I absolutely love the way she looks.. she is/was just right for me..

It is ok to look at another woman and think that she looks nice. However, it is not good for you to wish that your wife looked like some other woman.

Obviously you loved your wife and thought she was attractive enough to marry right? What exactly is the problem with the way she looks now to inspire these feelings?

I suppose the best advice I can give is this : Looks in a partner are far less important than having someone you love with your heart, that understands YOU and that you truly enjoy being with through the GOOD and BAD times in your life... Try to focus on your feelings for your wife and any physical qualities that do attract you to her and see if that dont help..

[fzzy]

there is a self help author that talks about when you stop loving someone then you just need to love them .... don't know if this will help at all .. it's about - when you stop feeling love toward someone, then you need to do more loving things for and with that person ..... we love who we take care of and serve and we love them when they do the same in return, but the real love grows in the doing for that person, thinking about how it will make them happy, how they will get a bit of a thrill knowing we spent time and energy on them, etc. My final cliche comment (I know that's what they are, but things become cliche for a reason) - it's an old Irish proverb (I think it's Irish anyway) ... Choose your love and love your choice. Good luck .... you are both blessed in that you are willing to work through these feelings!

[silentsoul]

Unfortunately she inherited a big nose, lots of facial hair (which she never waxes and refuses to shave), she has really bad teeth, they're really staind and uneven. She also has REALLY small tits. I definitely wish they were bigger because that's what I prefer (mid B-mid C) I don't know her exact cup size because she doesn't know how to shop for bra's because the ones she get never fit. When her nipples aren't hard, they're the size of strawberrys. It also seems as though the moment we got married she completely lost interested in the way she appears. I never find that girl in anything but sweat pants.

[Steph]

You were obviously attracted to her at some point. Also, I know you've mentioned bisexuality at other times here at pixies. Do you think you're putting her down as a way to explain your attraction to men?

I'm not trying to come down hard on you, I'm just looking at the overall picture.

[Cabrylla]

*sighs* okay this is a hard topic to speak on...I myself am no beauty queen, and can understand temptation and even moments of weakness...I for one have been left basicly at the alter before...won't go into that...but infidelity only hurts all parties involved in the end...perhaps bringing up a few topics with her in passing conversation would help...give her a reason to get dressed up...if you can't come out and say that you feel she has let herself go basicly...ask her how she feels about herself inside and outward appearances...she may want to change but be afraid too...of course that's just my two cents...that and a buck will get you a cup of coffee

[skipthisone]

Hmmm, I am getting the feeling that communcation is lacking and you arnt near the point of running off with someone else. Lets face it there is almost always going to be someone better looking out there...cant fuck them all....

....But i agree with Cabrylla (god help me ;) ) give her a reason to dress up, wine her dine her....you know the rest.

[Cabrylla]

will mark that down on my someone finally agrees with me checklist... :D

[jennaflower]

Damn.. I am SCREWED... cuz if finding happiness and love completely depends on my looks... then I am dooooomed... thanks for the great news. :(

Sorry SilentSoul (in advance) but I am about to be completely tough on you.

I am not sure how long you have been married, but I am betting that it must be less than 2 years... and honestly... you have lots of growing up to do. If you are as young as I think, you have a whole lot of learning to do, and you might be behind the curve. Sorry... but the reality of the matter is this: NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE is gonna fit your "ideal" image that you have conjured up in your mind.

There is no such thing as a woman without physical flaws... not unless she has enough money to keep a plastic surgeon on retainer and a medicine cabinet full of botox. If that is the type of woman that you are searching for, best remember that it all comes at a price... a pretty heafty one...

As you get into your 20's and approach your 30's, you will begin to realize (and I fear you will learn this the hard way) that there is sssssssssooooooooo much more to a woman that the shape of her nose... that is ONLY the tip of the iceberg sort of speak. The saying that beauty is only skin deep is the truth.

Now.. slamming you as I have... I will agree that it sounds like you do have some valid issues that need to be dealt with now. The key to fixing this marriage (if that is really what you want) is communication. Honestly speak with your wife, share with her your feelings (as gently and with as much tact and compassion as you can muster), your desire for her to work on these issues, and your reassurance that you will support her every step of the way.

I can't help but ask, being that you are young, and obviously haven't been married for more than a year or two, why is it that you married her at all?


Once again SilentSoul... I apologize for my bluntness on this subject... but I am NOT a beauty, in any stretch of the imagination, and I can't bare the thought of thinking for a moment that this will cause me to be single forever...

[Vigil]

"Mothers, Goddesses and Whores" has become the usual explanation for men's expectations from women. The internet has allowed us to communicate in a more subtle and profound way, away from the shallowness of cultural dogma. The wise have always said though that there is someone for everyone and with compromise they are surely right.

However, this situation of letting yourself go does seem to me to be a breach of trust and I can understand that a guy might feel that he has been suckered into an arrangement not of his making or desire after which when he is as considerate as SS, the weight of moral obligation will force to compromise without reciprocation.

Don't be scared to be open yet compassionate about your concerns. The state you are in now appears to be the result of not facing these issues together. Nip it in the bud, bud.

[silentsoul]

Originally posted by jennaflower
Damn.. I am SCREWED... cuz if finding happiness and love completely depends on my looks... then I am dooooomed... thanks for the great news. :(

Sorry SilentSoul (in advance) but I am about to be completely tough on you.

I am not sure how long you have been married, but I am betting that it must be less than 2 years... and honestly... you have lots of growing up to do. If you are as young as I think, you have a whole lot of learning to do, and you might be behind the curve. Sorry... but the reality of the matter is this: NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE is gonna fit your "ideal" image that you have conjured up in your mind.

There is no such thing as a woman without physical flaws... not unless she has enough money to keep a plastic surgeon on retainer and a medicine cabinet full of botox. If that is the type of woman that you are searching for, best remember that it all comes at a price... a pretty heafty one...

As you get into your 20's and approach your 30's, you will begin to realize (and I fear you will learn this the hard way) that there is sssssssssooooooooo much more to a woman that the shape of her nose... that is ONLY the tip of the iceberg sort of speak. The saying that beauty is only skin deep is the truth.

Now.. slamming you as I have... I will agree that it sounds like you do have some valid issues that need to be dealt with now. The key to fixing this marriage (if that is really what you want) is communication. Honestly speak with your wife, share with her your feelings (as gently and with as much tact and compassion as you can muster), your desire for her to work on these issues, and your reassurance that you will support her every step of the way.

I can't help but ask, being that you are young, and obviously haven't been married for more than a year or two, why is it that you married her at all?


Once again SilentSoul... I apologize for my bluntness on this subject... but I am NOT a beauty, in any stretch of the imagination, and I can't bare the thought of thinking for a moment that this will cause me to be single forever...

okay, first off, I thank you for your bluntness and your kindness.

Why'd I marry her? Unfourtunately, due to a few slight mental disorders and my bad past, I have a big problem with trust. I trust almost nobody. The minute my eyes laid on her, I trusted her, and from that moment on I knew that I would love this woman for the rest of my life. I might not like her every now and again, she might get on my last fuckin nerve, she might always look as good as before but who does?

No matter what I'm always going to love my wife and I would never leave her. It will be a long time (or hopefully never) before I would ever cheat on my wife. Understand that before this relationship, I never even looked at another girl if I was with someone.

[Irish]

I agree,somewhat,with most things,that have been said,but I agree mostly, with STO.One of the biggest things in a relationship,
is communication.Sometimes,you love the other&sometimes you
are MAD at them.My wife has done some things,that pissed me off
at the time.I'm sure that I have done MANY that pissed her off!We
lead different kinds of lifestyles.She has always done executive
type&accounting work.I have led a motorcycle,mechanical,blue
collar lifestyle,but we have always been there for each other.One
of the things is not to take the other for granted.I wish you all of
the luck in the world!You have to WORK at a good relationship.
Just remember"The grass is always greener on the other side of
the fence!" Irish

[hitachi]

Ok before I get into this let me say Irish sometimes the reason the grass is greener, is because it has more bullshit under the surface. Just a thought to keep in mind, ok


Now on to silentsoul

Hey bud; I am not sure what to say to you. Other than I feel you have so many issues going on under your skin that you don’t really know how to handle any of them and now you are starting to feel overwhelmed. I have read some of your other post and get the feeling that a lot of what you are going through is just what people call life. The fact that you are young makes this feeling seam huge and unmanageable. I can tell you that in my early 20; s I was a mess I could not deal with marriage, a new baby, the stress of work and a home. Things seemed so out of control I keep thinking to my self that this was not the life I wanted, what happened to hanging out with my friends going to parties and not having anymore stress than “what’s for dinner mom”. Well life forced me to grow up a lot faster than I wanted to. I could be wrong but I get the same feelings when I read your posts. This topic of not finding you wife attractive is bullshit and you know it. Now I will agree you may not look at her the same as you did before you were married. I read last week in one of your posts that she told you she was pregnant (congratulations). A baby will cause us men to look at our significant others in a new light. You mentioned that you are afraid of hurting the baby that can make you distance your self from your wife. Some guys can’t handle the fact that their sexual partner their sensual; bed shaking swinging from the chandeliers fuck beast wife is now a mother and mothers should not act that way. This will also cause your feeling for her to slip. Or maybe you are just feeling trapped by marriage and the baby and that you want to walk on the wild side one more time. I don’t know which issues or combination of issues is bringing up this current dilemma of yours but I do know that the key to working this out is for you to decide if you want to stay married or do you want to split up, (I hope that you will stay together) once you have made up your mind I believe that communication is the very foundation of any relationship. In you case I would suggest that you seek professional help, get some counseling. The people here at pixies are wonderful and give great advice but you just can not get the help I feel you need here. My wife and I went through counseling several years ago and with out a doubt in my mind I believe that it saved my marriage

On a side note I just picked up a copy the book “Kosher Adultery” “how to seduce and sin with your spouse” by the Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Now let me say I am not Jewish but I will take good advice any where I can find it. This book deals with what leads to infidelity, what causes bedroom boredom and waning attraction, how to separate the friendship and passion in a marriage. I have just started reading it so I can’t give you an opinion yet but so far it looks good. If you are reluctant to talk with a counselor at least pick up some books on the subject.

[silentsoul]

Unfourtunately, My wife had a miscarriage a few days after finding out that she was pregnant.

I know that most of this is just a part of growing up. I simply figured that I could learn from the experiences of people before me.

[hitachi]

I am sorry to hear that, no wonder your emotions are in overdrive. Other poeples experiences can be a guide to follow but you still have to walk the path for yourself. Think about what I said in seeking counseling. It changed my life.

[Kendall]

Vigil,

I find your approach interesting. Perhaps he could sue her for "breach of trust".

Kendall

[horseman12]

Have to agree with the communication part, talk, talk, talk, as long as you have communication, love, and openess, in an relationship you can overcome anything, infidelity leads to mistrust, and without trust the very foundation of your relationship will be cracked and for most it is a crack that can Never be filled.

And on the grass note also remember:...the Grass is Always Greenest Over the Septic Tank!!!!

[silentsoul]

UPDATE:

I tried taking the advice about looking at the physical qualities that I do like. This has caused a suprisingly ... uh, good reaction:D . You see, I prefer her to stay clean shaven (pubes) as much as possible. Unfourtunately, she hasn't had enough time to stay smooth for an extended period of time in quite a while. She hasn't shaved for an unusually long time causing her to grow quite a bush. What I didn't realize is that the longer they are the more of turnoff for me. I decided to try the hands on approach and whenever I feel she needs a shave, I'll justget her to drop everything, take her into the bedroom and give her a very close shave. Of course, with me being that close to her pussy, by the time I'm finished, I'm so horny that I almost attack her. Before now, I hadn't realized how good she looks on all fours with her ass as high in the air as possible. That is one thing that turns me on more than anything else in this world. She has the best ass and pussy. With my new found enthusiasm she's seemed a little more receptive to anal play, that happens to be the 2nd hottest thing for me. With all this sex lately, our "romantic lovelife" has also blossomed. Because my intense love for her I can't help but to just make love (vs. fucking) with her. The other night we went slow, looking into each others eye's, purposely holding out until we couldn't stand it anymore. I guess it was because of the rekindled attraction I have for her that made it so different. It was like it was our first time, only better.

Needless to say, we are doing much better. We still have a lot to work out but we're well on our way.

Thanks for all the help

[Lilith]

YAY!!! for you and YAY!!! for her! Sometimes it is hard to be a Goddess 24/7 but it's a hell of a lot easier if someone worships us and reminds us we are!!!!

[Missy1965]

It must be very hard to be with someone you aren't physically attracted to. I know me personally, I could never be with someone I wasn't attracted to but what a person has inside means so much more to me these days. In the long run I would rather be with someone who has a good heart then great looks. I have to admit though being with someone who looks so good to me turns me on so much which makes for great lust and great sex that I want it all the time 24-7. I could never get bored with it. Maybe you can make some suggestions to your wife in a very subtle way about things that maybe she can do to make herself look more appealing to you. You must have seen something in her to make you marry her. One huge plus would be for her self esteem to be built up and by you helping her with that would make her feel so much better about herself that things could start to change for you in your way of thinking. I have met a lot of good looking people that had absolutely nothing going for them excepts their looks and they turned out to be nothing more then shallow, uninteresting, boring people. So then what do you have? Nothing that's what. Looks are only skin deep and I truly believe that now. I consider myself to be an attractive women, I have the classic blonde hair, blue eyes but I am always trying to improve on myself I think we all need to. I can't imagine being unattractive that must be very hard for people to deal with. We have to take what we are born with and make the absolute best of what we have and by doing that it means improving our personalities along with our physical looks. A nice personality goes a long way in making a person attractive.

[celticangel]

life is too short and time too fleeting not to tell the one u love how u feel~~~~~~~~hope things keep going from strength to strength for u two! xxxxxxxxxxxx