More Jokes!!

[Sharni]

A bloke walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' exclaims the bloke.

The barman says 'Yes'

So the bloke glances over at the menu and asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?'

Certainly sir,' replies the bartender, 'but that all comes to real money.'

'How much money?' inquires the bloke.

'Four cents,' he replies

'Four cents!' exclaims the bloke. 'Where's the fella who owns this place?'

The barman replies 'Upstairs with my wife.'

The bloke says, What's he doing with your wife?'

The bartender replies 'The same thing I'm doing with his business.'

[Rayna]

lmao

[Sharni]

Two drunks are sittig at the bar staring into their drinks.

One turns to the other and asks 'Hey mate, you ever seen an icecube with a hole in it before?'

'Yes. I've been married to one for 15 years'

[Sharni]

A blondes house catches on fire. So she calls the fire brigade.

'My house is on fire! My house is on fire!' she yells.

'How do we get there? says the fire captain.

And she says 'Duh!! In the big red truck.'

[Sharni]

Q: How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: They've got more leg room.

[Sharni]

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast

Jesus loves you.....everyone else thinks you're an asshole

Keep honking, I'm reloading

Snatch a kiss, or vise versa

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep

Save a mouse...eat a pussy!

Don't drink and drive: you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

Cover me - I'm changing lanes

The gene pool could use a little chlorine

[Sharni]

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In prison, you get 3 meals a day.
At work, you only get one break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison, you get time off for good behaviour.
At work, you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
At work, you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself

In prison, you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, you get your own tiolet.
At work, you have to share.

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave anytime.
At work, there are some programs you can neverget out of.

In prison, there are sadistic guards.
At work, you have managers.

[Sharni]

If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other, what do you have?
















Kermit the Frogs undivided attention :D

[Rayna]

Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

[Rayna]

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:

Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!



Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

[Rayna]

WORLD'S SMALLEST BOOKS

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

The Australian Book of Foreplay

The Book of Motivated Postal Workers

Americans' Guide to Etiquette

The World Guide to Good American Beer

Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

Safe Places to Travel in the USA

Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity

Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.

Consumer Marketing Ethics

Al Gore: The Wild Years

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Career Opportunities for History Majors

Detroit - A Travel Guide

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Easy UNIX

Everything Men Know about Women

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

Great Women Drivers Of Today

Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno

Home Built Airplanes by John Denver

How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman

The Wild Years by Al Gore

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

America's Most Popular Lawyers

All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres

Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

[Sharni]

Q: What's a man's idea of helping to make the bed?
A: Getting out of it.

Q: what can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle though it's pecker.

Q: Why don't women blibk during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why are men like toilets?
A: They're either vacant, engaged or full of crap.

[Sharni]

Q: Why don't women fart as much as men?









A: They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

[Sharni]

A husband comes home to find his wifein thwe loungeroom with her suitcases packed.

'Where the hell do you think you're going?' he asks.

'I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!'

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well.

'Where do you think you're going?' the wife exclaims.

'I'm coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!'

[jseal]

What does it take to keep an Amish woman happy?

Two Mennonite!

[Cheyanne]

LOL!!! :p

[PantyFanatic]

TOO FUNNY :D

Loved Sharnie’s Prison VS Work and raven18’s additional elements.:)

[musketeer]

What have women and hurricanes got in common?






They are both warm and wet they come and when they go they take the house!

[musketeer]

In a room you have the Perfect Man an Inteligent Blond Woman, Father Christmas and a £10 note on the floor. The lights go out for a second and when they come back on the money is gone. Who took it?


The Perfect Man the other 2 don't exist.

[BadChicken]

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?


You can't hear an enzyme.

[BadChicken]

One day, God went down to the garden of eden to check on Adam and Eve. He saw Adam standing alone.
"Adam, where is Eve?" God asked.
"She's swimming in the lake." Adam replied.
"Oh no!" God exclaimed. "Now I'll never get the smell out of those fish!"