Funny and Jokes - most common on Indian web today.

[inman]

i would like to share with every one few jokes, that keep coming when i surf and which are common today in india.

How To Make Love Cake ?



Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes

4 Well-shaped legs

4 Loving arms

2 Firm milk containers

2 Nuts

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl

1 Firm banana



Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.



Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town!!!!

[Sharni]

LOL

[inman]

News Flash: New Study Released



Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex :



The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.



The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.



The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.

Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.



The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.

When you pass in the hall you both say "F--- You."



The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.

She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

[inman]

The Apartment

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with
her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not
have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."



On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:



Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that:



1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is
was small enough to make me cozy and at home.



However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:



Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.



As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.



Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[inman]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big
event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner she
would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy
is ecstatic ... but he has never had sex before so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack; 10-pack or
a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl", the boy
tells the pharmacist. The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests
the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being
his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents -- come on in!" The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his
head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were
this religious". The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had
no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[inman]

THE

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES

LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY

LOOSLEY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL

NEED

CLEANING FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST, READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED,

THE

ANSWER !

TO

THE

RIDDLE

IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........




























TOOTHBRUSH.........

what were you thinking?

You PERVERT!

[inman]

now friends tell me what you feel about these jokes. should i post some more regularly or stay quite and just read.

[Belial]

Pretty good :)

[Vigil]

Keep posting Inman.

[PantyFanatic]

I loved the "pharmacist" joke. LMAO
These are great jokes and appropriate for any adult group.
You may just consider posting them on the joke threads. There always seems to be one going someplace around here. lol

[inman]

Subject: Apples and Oranges

The police caught a group of young teenaged girls in flesh trade. They were
told to line up for interrogation. An old lady crossing the street happened
to see the girls lining up for something.


She came near and asked what the matter was. Girls, not wanting to reveal
the truth, told her that a charity was distributing apples and oranges free
.


"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she
continued as she made her way to the back of the line. When a police
officer questioning the girls got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was
bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"


Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures
and suck 'em dry!"

[inman]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey
for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. Johnny looked at his father
and said, "Are you going to tell her, dad, or do you want me to?"

[inman]

True Love


Laying on couch arms around
Music playing soft and low
Sharing kisses gentle touch
Knowing where we go

Buttons pop as fingers search
Zips run in anticipation
Clasps manipulated part
With sighs of trepidation

Lips on cheek and ear lobe teasing
Breathing scent of preparation
Tongue on neck moving round
Tremors of elation

Blouse has gone and bra is fallen
Shirt removed with ease
Hands on nipples standing proud
Fingers gently squeeze

Finding navel tongue explores
Rolling beads saliva round
Hand now finding legs apart
Touches sweetness found

Arching back breath drawn in
Lips engulfing treasure
Probing tongue exploring more
Gently taking pleasure

Soft warm hands encompassing
Tall manhood with desire
Slender fingers take control
Holding back the fire

Passion rages bodies meet
All abandonment is spent
Tongues exchange caresses new
True love without repent

[inman]

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles
are.
"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of
poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother who replies, "Did he say anything about
that dead branch they're hanging on?"

[inman]

This is a classic. Please spend the time to read
it....

A radio station in the Australia recently ran a
phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing
moments in listeners lives. The following are the
final four place getters:

4th place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity& walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

3rd place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that
I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise". My entire family, ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

2nd place

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned
that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the public
address system and boomed out for all the store to
hear. "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"Thumbtacks". In a very business-like tone, a voice
boomed back over the public address system: DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"

AND THE WINNER IS!

This one happened at a major Australian University in
October last year.In a biology lecture, a professor
was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female freshie, raised her hand and asked, "If
I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of
glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct."
responded the professor, going on to add some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl
asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a
stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised
exactly what she had inadvertently said
(or rather implied), she picked up her books, and
without a word walked out of the class, and never
returned. However, as she was going out of the door,
the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are
on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"

[inman]

4 miracles of a woman:.
1 getting wet without taking a shower.
2 bleeding without getting hurt.
3 giving milk without eating grass.
4 and making boneless flesh hardSplash

[inman]

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems
like a minute.
THAT'S relativity."
- Albert Einstein

[inman]

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost

[inman]

It's been known for years that sex is good exercise,
but until recently nobody had made a scientific study
of the caloric expenditure of different sexual
activities. Now, for the first time in the Western
World, here are the true caloric benefits of
sex.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With consent....................................... 12 Calories
Without consent................................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands..................................... 8 Calories
With one hand...................................... 12 Calories
With your teeth.................................... 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.................................... 6 Calories
Without an erection............................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris......................... 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.......................... 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary......................................... 12Calories
69 lying down...................................... 78Calories
69 standing up.................................... 112Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................... 216Calories
Doggy Style....................................... 326Calories
Italian chandelier................................ 912Calories

ORGASM:
Real.............................................. 112Calories
False............................................. 315Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging............................... 18Calories
Getting up immediately............................. 36Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..... 816Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old.................................... 36Calories
30-39 years........................................ 80Calories
40-49 years....................................... 124Calories
50-59 years....................................... 972Calories
60-69 years...................................... 2916Calories
70 and over...............................................Death

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.............................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry..........................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..............1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door...............3521 Calories

[inman]

OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the
lame walk and I can even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.

[inman]

Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking
what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

[inman]

What was the cause of the break up between Prince
Charles and Lady Di?
Lady Di discovers that not all rulers have 12
inches.

[inman]

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven ?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he
leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple,

"But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

>"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

[inman]

I have posted enough but i see that no one is reading it so....... let me say bye

[Rayna]

lol:D

[SteinFibers]

No we are reading it...Keep going dude...but post in the right forumn ..i think this should be in General Chat...not General Sex Chat.


SteinFibers.

[Teddy Bear]

These are great.

Figured this thread needed a 'bump'.......

:D