Laughter IS the best medicine!

[dude33]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

Mom fainted.

[Peacelul]

LMAO.

[Scarecrow]

TY for the laugh

[Kitsune]

I needed that *giggle*

[incitatus]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens... look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And since I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and...BOOM! He shoots the young rooster dead. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife! "Dag nab it, that's the third gay rooster I bought this week!"

[scotzoidman]

A College professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well, he said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled,

"Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"

[LixyChick]

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out
of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and
urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his
erection he sports a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[dude33]

Too funny people!

[babybunny]

:D Hehe.

[Vintage Vixen]

"A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me ... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He held her hand and said, 'Second, Let's have a cup of coffee, and then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.' "

[babybunny]

LOL! OMG! Thats is great!

As a blonde I love all new blonde jokes. ;)

~babybunny~

[Vintage Vixen]

LOL...i thought it was kinda cute:)

[Vintage Vixen]

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

[Oldfart]

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer.
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Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there
is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man.
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*** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
woman must have been driving. This explains why
there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading,
this illustrates another point:

Women never listen.

[SteinFibers]

ROFL
LMAO

That's about the only thing that can describe those jokes.....

[SteinFibers]

A prostitute is lounging in her bed one evening,
reflecting upon the day's business , when a Koala
bear appears at her open window. He winks at her,
climbs in, hops onto the bed, and proceeds to
perform oral sex upon her. Not too dismayed by
her unexpected guests act, she spreads her legs
and lets him have at it. Finishing, the koala
bear licks his lips and starts to exit out the
same window.

"Hey, wait a minute, buddy, you’ve got to pay for
that! I’m a hooker, you know! "

"A hooker what’s that?" asks the koala bear.

"A hooker! you know, a prostitute! Its in the
dictionary, look it up!" So she shows the koala
bear the entry in the dictionary. Sure enough it
says," Hooker: woman who exchanges sexual acts
for monetary gain."

The Koala bear things about this and says, "Do
you know what I am? I'm a koala bear! Look it
up!"

So as the koala bear disappears out the window,
the hooker thumbs through the dictionary and
looks up "Koala Bear"

It reads: "Koala Bear: eats bushes and leaves."

SteinFibers.

[SteinFibers]

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

SteinFibers.

[SteinFibers]

Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class,
obviously not paying any attention, when the
teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he says "If
there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot
one of them with your shotgun, how many are
left?" Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one
of them with my shotgun, the loud noise is going
to make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will
be two left if you shoot one with your shotgun,
but I like the way you're thinking." "Well,
teacher, I've got a question for you. There are
3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one
is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it,
and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher is a little taken aback by the
question, but answers "Well, uh, gee Matt, I
guess the one that's sucking on it." "No teach,
the one that has the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you're thinking!"

SteinFibers...

and now i am tired I had to type out the first and last one...the second one I had saved on m HD and copied and pasted it...Need more Stamina......wait a sec....

[LixyChick]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed after a hot and heavy sexual romp.

The chicken is crossed legged, lying back on one arm, smoking a cigarette and looking rather content!

The egg turns to the chicken and says, "I guess that answers that question....doesn't it?"

[dicksbro]

Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny's third grade class was having a lesson on careers and were discussing the various professions out there. The teacher asks the kids what their dads do for a living.

One little girl raises her hand and says "My daddy is a doctor. He helps sick people get well."

A little boy raises his hand and says "My daddy is a dentist and he fixes people's teeth."

Another little girl raises her hand and says "My daddy is the district attorney and he puts bad people in jail."

The teacher notices that little Johnny Woods is awfully quiet, so she asks him what his daddy does. Little Johnny Woods announces that "My daddy works as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar and he..."

Shocked and not wanting that discussion to go any further, the teacher interrupts little Johnny and moves on with the lesson.

During recess, the teacher comes up to little Johnny Woods and asks "Does your daddy really work as a strip tease dancer in a gay nudie bar??"


Little Johnny replies, "No, actually he is the offensive coordinator for the Chicago Bears but I was too ashamed to tell anyone."

( Substitute the team of your choice :D )

[Vintage Vixen]

NEW LINE OF DRUGS FOR WOMEN...:):) TOOO FUNNY!!

http://www.debsfunpages.com/drugsforwomen.htm

[dude33]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files.Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support