Here's your sign??

[Sharni]

Here's Your Sign (Get The Picture)
(Bill Engvall)

I just hate stupid people.
They should have to wear signs that just say I'm stupid.
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?
You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops,
never mind "I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California our house was full of boxes and there was a u-Haul truck in our driveway.
My friend comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?"

"Nope."

"We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how manyboxes it takes."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?"

Nope.

"Talked 'em into giving up."

"Here's your sign."

I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he was
playing with his little friend, and he hit his friend and I went up to
him and I said "Hey, (smacks his boy), we don't hit." He looked up at me like, "Here's your sign, dad."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well allright....hold my sign, I don't wanna loose it"

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, I swear to GOD he went, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist.

I said "Nope".

"No I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the
modern man.
So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds...
People with them little bitty teenie weenie tiny monds...
Here's your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy come over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Damn thats hot!"

See...

If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

[Sharni]

Ever read or been part of a "Here's your sign" moment....

Share your find or personal moment :D:D

[Sharni]

Here's one i found

Jump Rope Blues

While working in the operating room as a surgical technician, I once had occasion to help operate on a guy who was experiencing extreme pain in his lower abdomen. When we disrobed him to prep him for surgery, we noticed the tip of a round blue object sticking out of his urethra. The doctor palpated his bladder and determined that there was definitely something in there, so we opened up his pelvis, and found his bladder bulging with a tangled mass of blue. When we opened his bladder (a very serious procedure, as they tend to leak after being stitched or stapled shut) we were able to extract about six feet of knotted nylon jump rope. The guy evidently decided to cut the handles off and slide it into his urethra. Once he got a foot or so of the semi-rigid jump rope into his bladder, it naturally began to unwind and coil up, and the end of the rope pushed through the coils. When he tried to pull his exercise equipment out of his bladder, the coils tightened around the free end created a HUGE knot. Try knotting a rope by coiling it around itself and passing the free end through the coils; most fishermen know at least two or three knots that work this way. Needless to say the guy paid dearly for his little experiment in autoerotica.

Lessons:

1.Using a jump rope is not always healthy.

2. Misuse of exercise equipment can result in serious injury.

3. Things should exit, not enter, via the urethra.(think someone in particular should read this part :D)

[LixyChick]

OMGGGGGGGGG! LMAO Shar! You should put that last one over on the men's forum (if ya know what I mean!) *wink, wink*

As to all the rest.......well, round these parts it's like that everyday! Got any extra signs I can pass out?

Example: Each and every morning at work, when we know the forecast is for snow because it's snowing when we all arrive, someone just has to say (and it's not the same person everytime mind you), "They want snow today". This means (in Pa. Dutch speak) that the weather forecast that morning called for snow. This, to them, is funny. And maybe it was the first 5000 times but now I try and predict who might say it first and avoid them like the plague.

Once, at work, I actually sewed through my index finger. This is a once in a lifetime accident....believe me when I tell you that a person NEVER does that more than once in a lifetime, but it happens all the time in the sewing industry. The time I did it I was on an industrial machine where when you stop sewing the needle stops in the down position (great for heavy and bulky textile). Well, there I sat with the needle down through my index finger (through the finger nail) and I was literally in shock. In order to get the needle out I had to manually turn it up and out of my fingertip or I could have hit the pedal and let it sew one more stitch and hope I pulled my finger out in time. Gaining my composure, I opted for the former. I reached over my right arm (the right finger being the one stuck) with my left hand and turned the wheel towards me and the needle came up to the top position (my finger still firmly attached to it). I then put my left hand on top of my right and pushed down and my finger was free. *For those who don't know......we use rather large gauge needles in the upholstery industry to go through several thicknesses of leather.* I was about to pass out (from the shock I assume) when a woman who had been standing behind me watching said, "Did that hurt"? I gave her a look, and nearly yelled at the top of my lungs, "FUCK YEA IT HURT.....LET ME SEW YOUR FINGER ONCE!"

So, can I have some extra signs to pass out around here Shar.....huh? huh? Can I?

[skipthisone]

*Picks himself off the floor from laughing at Lixy* - sorry babe...

I need a sign for a woman I work with. I live in Southern IL and during the winter it snows often, but the last time we had more than 10 inches at one time was about 10 years ago. So anyway everytime it starts to snow this girl (along with every single person over 50) leaves work to go get a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. Maybe not too stupid, but she does this even if they are calling for trace amounts....Now you ask yourself why is this stupid??...The woman lives alone and DOESNT LIKE MILK!!!, she said she just feels better if she knows its there!!

[ryder]

One day I locked my keys in my truck and was trying to get into my truck with a coat hanger. Buddy asked me if I'd locked my keys in there. To which I replied, "Nope, just washed her, hanging her up to dry."

Here's your sign!!

[Sharni]

LMFAO

Lixy ~ I got plenty of signs here....take as many as ya want

STO ~ LOL

ryder ~ Gotta love your quick wit.....Too funny!! :D:D:D

[LixyChick]

OMG skip!.........Around here it's bow noodles for pot pie! I swear.....when it snows around here you can't find a friggin noodle on the shelf. Now I ask you........what self respecting Pa. Dutch mennonite woman would buy a noodle? I know they all have the best recipes for making their own! One would assume the flour isle would be empty......but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! LMAO!

[Aqua]

My older bro and I went on a road trip in his car once... after about 14 hours of stopping only for gas/restrooms/food his car backfires and the muffler falls off. He quickly pulls over, walks straight back to the muffler, and I shit you not, picked it up! Than he immediately dropped it after burning his hands... Doh!

[Sharni]

*LMAO* I did that too...only with a motorcycle muffler

Thankfully I still had my bike gloves on...but it was still forkin' hot :D:D

[Sharni]

*Bump*