Tech Support ~ Duh!!

[Sharni]

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

[Sharni]

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

[Sharni]

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

[Sharni]

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

[Sharni]

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

[Sharni]

An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in ...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

[Sharni]

A customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert it into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. Say no more.

[Sharni]

Caller : "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech :"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller : "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has "4X" on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive.

[Sharni]

A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

[Sharni]

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

[Sharni]

A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it " couldn't find printer". The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

[Sharni]

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

[Sharni]

A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water soaked the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually

[Sharni]

A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

[Sharni]

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech "hold on", and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

[Sharni]

An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

[Sharni]

A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

[Sharni]

Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."

Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and call the local fire department."

Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest possible method."

[Sharni]

Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, can I help you?"

Customer: (slowly) "Oohh." (pause) "I think I did a bad thing."

Tech Support: "Ok, so tell me what's up."

Customer: "Well, my computer was running great. Everything was working fine, I had no problems whatsoever."

Tech Support: "Ok..."

Customer: "So I decided to open it up and have a look inside. I saw all these wires dangling all over the place. There were grey flat ones, and small red, black, and yellow ones, and it seemed like they weren't connected to anything. So I decided to plug them all in."

Tech Support: "Um, you mean you plugged them all in? What did you plug them into?"

Customer: "Well, whatever I could get them to connect to. I saw pins sticking off of some of the boards that didn't have anything on them, so I plugged all the loose wires in to make it run better."

Tech Support: "And then you..."

Customer: "And so I plugged them all in, and I hit the power button, and there was this loud bang and a flash and a puff of smoke. Now it doesn't work at all."

Tech Support: (suppressing all emotion and turning deep crimson) "Can you hold for a minute, please?"

Kaboom! "Explosive" doesn't adequately describe the laughter. I related the story to some co-workers between gasps for breath. Several of the techs and I had quite the laugh fest while he was on hold. After about five minutes of eye-popping, sweat-beading laughter, I wiped away the tears, took a sip of water, and came back on the line. I knew it'd be futile to even attempt to troubleshoot it.


Tech Support: "Ok, well why don't we just have you wrap it up in the original packing material and send it back to us, we'll take care of the whole thing."
And so another computer newbie learned that the extra power supply cables and unused IDE ribbon cables don't have to be plugged in for the computer to work just fine.

[Sharni]

Tech Support: "Ma'am? I want you to stop clicking on your computer, move your hands away from the computer, don't touch the keyboard. Just stop. Move your hands away from the keyboard."

Customer: "But..."

Tech Support: "No, please follow my instructions."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Now, look on the screen. Do you see the To: field on your email message?"

Customer: "No, oh wait a minute, there it is, now I see it!"

Tech Support: "Great, now when I let you start typing again, this is where you would put the e-mail address in."

Customer: "Oh, I'm supposed to put it there? Oops, where did it go? Oh NO! What's happening to my computer?!"

At this point I thought she was on acid.

Tech Support: "Ok, calm down, what is your computer doing?"

Customer: "It's got all these flying window things that are coming out of nowhere! They're going all over my screen, and, huh, ooooh, pretty colors."

Tech Support: "Uh, ma'am? That's your screen saver."

[Sharni]

A customer called in with modem problems.

Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."

Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"

Tech Support: "Make sure all windows are closed."

Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."

Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!

[Sharni]

Customer: "Do you have WordPerfect for Gameboy?"

Tech Support: "No, but I'll call you when it comes in."

Sometimes it's better to go along with the customer and not ask questions

[Sharni]

Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks.

Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games.

Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers.

I don't want to talk about it

[Sharni]

Customer: "How fast will my COM ports go?"

Tech Support: "How hard can you throw your computer?"

[Wombat]

LMAO

[xanne]

:D:D:D

[Lilith]

Ohhhhh too funny!!!! TY Sharni!

[GermanSteve]

OUCH! :D:D:D

[kleclere]

I had a user that called " I can get anything I type to appear on the monitor" I said "do you have the monitor on" She said" yes" I went up to check it out. Got up there .She said "see nothing come to the screen when I type" I go into the control panel and find that she had changed the back ground color to white and her font color to white. I asked her if you normally can see white on white.

[kleclere]

I also had a user that said she couldn't get her cd to play cds. Got there she said " see if I put a cd in here it doesn't play." As I watched her insert the cd in between the cdrom player and the blank. Opened it up and found 12 cds setting in the bottom of her case.

[RandyGal]

ROTFLMAO!!


And kleclere? You should write a book if those are true! :D :p

[kleclere]

Also had a home user call to tell me his pc didn't work. Got there to find out that it was to noisy so he quieted it down. Opened up his pc to find he had filled it full of insulatating foam. No wonder it didn't work.

[Belial]

LOL Sharni, you found the "Computer Stupidities" site, didn't you?

[scotzoidman]

More of the same I've had on file for some time now...

*Customer: "I want to get the new Netscape from you people."
Tech Support: "I'll need to charge your account $30."
Customer: "What do you mean? I pay for this service."
Tech Support: "We're providing the registered version of Netscape. Netscape charges us,so we have to charge you."
Customer: "Well, my son is a socialist and I spent a year in Spain. What do you have to sayto that?"
Tech Support: Uh....
Customer: "I thought so." [click]

*Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
Customer: [click]

*Tech Support: "Now click on the icon that--"
Customer: "Oh, I know what an icon is! That's that thing that Sandra Bullock clicked on in The Net!"

*Tech Support: "Ok, we need to set up an icon for that program. To do that, I need to get you to your Program Mananger--"
Customer: "Program manager? Why?!?"
Tech Support: "I can't put an icon up for you to click on if you don't go to your Program Manager."
Customer: "Hell! I don't even know who my immediate manager is, much less my program manager!"

*Customer: "Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my data base and send it to you. What should I pack it in?"

*Recently, we upgraded all our users from WordPerfect 5.1 to 6.0. One user was so happy that she decided she'd never use WordPerfect 5.1 again. So she went into 5.1 and deleted all her files. A short while later we got a call. "I can't find any of my files!" she complained. "What did you do with them?"