Sex Q & A

[jennaflower]

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.



And YES... I am amusing myself tonight :) LOL

[celticangel]

was just browsing and found this!~~~~~~thanks!xxx

[Bilbo]

Q. Why do Hippo's Fuck in water
A. well have you tried to keep a 3 tonne clit wet

[dicksbro]

Dang, I don't remember having seen these. Very cute. Thanks.

[Steph]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

[PantyFanatic]

OMG Steph! *booooooooooooo* lol


What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

FULL!;)

[jseal]

Gentlefolk,

Very good! Thanks!

[Steph]

PF, the leper joke is my new favourite! Here's another:

A night in the barn
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you,, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

[PantyFanatic]

Steph, I only have my OLD favorites. Here’s one for you:

~Painting yourself into a corner~
Bob knocks on the door of his old buddy Bill’s house and his attractive new wife lets him in. She invites him to set for coffee as Bill is expected back in about half an hour. While chatting about their life long friendship, Bob can’t get his eyes above the low cut blouse she is wearing.
Finely he just blurts out that he has been alone for over six months and finds her so beautiful that he has to see her breasts. He assures her he only needs to see a woman’s form and says he’ll give her $100 if she’ll just let him look at her. When she is satisfied that he will only look, she takes the $100 and pulls open her top and proudly shows him her gorgeous tits.:D
Bob catches his breath and only murmurs as his face turns red. When he is able to speak again……. He tells her that he would gladly give her another $100 if he can only see under her skirt and vows not to even try and touch her, but that it’s been so long for him that he really needs to see a woman. With a little reluctance, but with a safe distance between them, she concedes and takes the $100. She then lifts her skirt, butterflies her legs and thrusts at Bob actually enjoying the effect she is having on him.:D
Bob begins to drool, stutters for words….. then just jumps up and runs out the door.

Ten minutes later Bill arrives home and kisses his somewhat flustered bride on the cheek hello. He asks if his buddy Bob had stopped by? “Why yes he did” says the nervous wife.:o “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me” asked Bill?:eek:

[Steph]

Why you thought of me, I don't want to know!

[Steph]

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

*ba da bump*

[Steph]

Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?

A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

[Steph]

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

[Steph]

So a penguin is driving around the country when his engine starts spurtering. Lucky for him there's a service station about 2miles up. This particular area is relatively flat, he can see it, and figures that he can do the waddle.

So the penguin walks to the service station and talks to the mechanic. The mechanic says it's not a problem, they'll get the tow truck and fix it at the shop. Since it's going to take a while, he suggests to the penguin that he sits in the diner and drinks something cool.

The penguin decides that he'd like to have some ice-cream, so he orders a big bowl of icecream. but doesn't get a spoon. Being timid, he doesn't bother to ask, and eats the ice-cream all the same, with his flippers.

time passes, and he decides to go the service bay to check up on things, and the mechanic seems him, so he goes over and talks to the penguin
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal"
the penquin all nervous screams out "NO! NO! IT'S JUST ICE CREAM!!"

[Steph]

Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America.

When they arrive, the fathers make each other a rather large bet. In a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I went to McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up some Budweiser for the football game tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head! Quit taking our jobs and go back to your own country, ya terrorist!"

[Steph]

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?


A: Put a nipple on it.

[Steph]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[Steph]

A man is out on his front porch one day and sees his neighbor going by with a roll of duct tape. "Where are you going with that?" he asks. The neighbor responds, "I'm off to get some ducks!"

Thinking that his neighbor is nuts, the man goes back inside and goes about his daily business, but later looks back out to see the neighbor walking home with armloads of ducks.

The next day, bewildered, the man sees his neighbor walking along with a roll of wire. "What's that?", he asks.

"Chicken wire."

"Where you goin' with that?" he asks.

"Gettin' myself some chickens", the other man responds.

"Why dont you just buy em???", the man asks

"You'll see," is the answer.

Sure enough, later that day, the neighbor goes by with an armload of chickens.

The next day, the man sees his neighbor walking by with a bunch of sticks.

"What are those?", he asks.

"Pussywillows" the neighbor states, to which the man responds, "Hold on, I'm getting my coat."

[dicksbro]

LMAO, Steph.

[Steph]

A girl brings a guy home one night.
They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".
"What the hell is that?", asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it.
The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart.
"What the fuck was that for?...." "Ooops!...sorry, let's try again" she says.
So, they get into position again and......once more she lets one loose!
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on
"Wait, wait, where are you going??" she asks.
The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're crazy!!........."

[Steph]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife did as she was asked, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.




On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."