It's A Good Thing

[Lilith]

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar


December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows NT 5

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in SUV tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17

Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with

homemade potpourri.

December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[Lilith]

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Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from holly hock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as" put away" in my house! Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "GETNEW FRIENDS."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Albright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to roller blade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to roller blade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

Sincerely...A Hopeful "Child"

[incitatus]

Is Martha Stewart Living?

I believe that's what you call an oxymoron.

[RandyGal]

Lilith...these are HYSTERICAL!!!

Thank you ma'am. :)

[BlondeCurlGirl]

Freaky Martha would probably find some obscene way to turn a lump of coal in your stocking into some crazy craft or gift you could re-gift to another. :p I'll be one of those ones who'll gladly wait her turn in line to slap her!

Thanks for the laughs Lilith, I needed them :D

[Sugarsprinkles]

Thanks so much, Lilith!!

Personally, I'd love to do more than just smack that pretentious, smug, self-satisfied, phony. Sure, she can make some neat things, and some of her recipes sound delicious, but I have no respect for someone who presents themself as someone they're not. For one thing, no human being could possibly accomplish in a month what St. Martha purports to do in a day. And for another, she seems to want to look like this elegant, well-bred, over-achieving domestic diva when, and there's nothing wrong with this, she is simply the daughter of Polish immigrants who made good. She does have her mother on her show periodically, but otherwise seems to me to be in denial of who she "really" is. And that's what bugs me. I'm not belittling her heritage, merely saying I wish she would seem to take more pride in the fact she is the child of immigrants and not seem to try to hide it.

I'll get off the soapbox now......so she can spraypaint and decoupage it or whatever the f**k she wants to do with it. :eek: :D

[Vintage Vixen]

LMAO @ # 11

[LixyChick]

Oh Lilith!

OMG G/F!

^5!!!!!!!!!!

Just entirely too funny hun!

If I only had 1/4 of the time that bitch has....to do anything around this house!

Another ^5 for good measure!

[horseman12]

Lilith, give her a good slap for me as well, i read this post yesterday and thought about all day long, i think what she truly needs is a very dominate woman to bend her over and take the biggest strapon she can find and i'm talking HUGE and shove it as far up her butt as it will go, unstrap it and and take a leather covered paddle and just start busting her ass until she passes out, maybe i do hold a little contempt for this unworthy peace of homeliving trash............

[DildoDiva'sMan]

Ok, Santa,

Lil will slap her. I just want to be there to finish the job. You know, a good ol' country ass whoopin'. I think she's a total bitch, and I've personally never seen her make anything that looks even remotely good, recipie or craft. I believe that my wife makes her look like a total dope when it comes to arts and crafts. My maw in law also is great with decorating. I think she needs a beating. Come on Santa! I don't ask much. Just a few good licks. I want to feel the blood from her nose and mouth running down my knuckles. Let's see that little smug grin minus a couple of incisors. Make my Christmas wish come true and I'll have my wife and maw in law come up and give you some decorating tips for the North Pole.