No Laughing!!!!

[Lilith]

a little BDSM humor

***************************************************
One day Mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
**************************************************


You know you are kinky when ...

... You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

... Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

... You give a new song a rating of 65....it's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

... You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

... You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.

... Canning season gets you *really* excited.

... You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you think to yourself, "Gee, some people are BLATANT about being out. YKIOKIJNMK"

... You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor Dom/me needs a PERSON to cane.

... Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

... You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

... Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

... Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.

... They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at *four* local leather shops.

... You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

... Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

[Lilith]

On the first day of Christmas my Master gave to me a spanking under a tree

On the second day of Christmas my Master gave to me a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the third day of Christmas my Master gave to me three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the forth day of Christmas my Master gave to me four leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the fifth day of Christmas my Master gave to me five new tattoos, four leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the sixth day of Christmas my Master gave to me six whacks with a paddle, five new tattoos, 4 leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Master gave to me seven days of edge play, six whacks with a paddle, five new tattoos, four leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree.

On the eight day of Christmas my Master gave to me eight lashes with His flogger, seven days of edge play, six whacks with a paddle, five new tattoos, 4 leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas my Master gave to me nine brand new vibrators, eight lashes with His flogger, seven days of edge play, six whacks with a paddle, five new tattoos, 4 leather restraints, three balls gags , a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the tenth day of Christmas my Master gave to me ten dripping candles, nine brand new vibrators, eight lashes with His flogger, seven days of edge play, six whacks with a paddle, five brand new tattoos, 4 leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Master gave to me eleven cracks of a whip, ten dripping candles, nine brand new vibrators, eight lashes with His flogger, seven days of edge play, six whacks with a paddle, five new tattoos, four leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree





On the twelfth day of Christmas my Master gave to me twelve mind blowing orgasms, eleven cracks of a whip, ten dripping candles, nine brand new vibrators, eight lashes with His flogger, seven days of edge play, six whacks with a paddle, five new tattoos, four leather restraints, three ball gags, a pair of nipple clamps and a spanking under a tree

[RandyGal]

OH MY GOD LILITH!!!

These are WONDERFUL!!!!

:p :D

[Lilith]

OMG ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(takes a while to load but is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it!!)



I'm a cow (http://www.pendland.com/html/cow.html)

[Lilith]

The Night Before Christmas


Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

The Masters were spanking their Frauleins and Fraus,

Mistress and Switch in Black Leather and Chains

Were chastising their subbies with paddles and canes



When down in the Dungeon there came such a clatter

I jumped from my chair to see what was the matter

Jumped up, tripped over, and fell on my face

Forgot that my domme had just lashed me in place!



Away to the window I made a mad dash

Threw open the window, felt the cool on my ass

And then thru the smoke and the snow and the swirls

Came a rusty old sleigh drawn by twelve pony girls



With bells on their nipples and stripes on their asses

They pulled and they strained, those twelve little lasses

The drunken old driver stood holding his dick

I knew by the "red nose" that this was old Nick



Slower than snails his chargers they came

And he whipped and he flailed as he called them by name

"Come Toni and Tina and Tanya and Tammy

Pull the sleigh on or I'll paddle your fanny



And Judy and Julie and Gina and Jilly

With your blazing red asses you look somewhat silly

Steffie and Kathie and Kimmie and Kay

You bend yourselves over..its floggings today"



Up on the roof, he went, stumbled and fell

And down the chimney he came screaming like hell

He staggered and stumbled and fell out the door

Tripped over a flogger we'd left on the floor



I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

Merry Christmas you kinksters...and to all a GOOD NIGHT

[smallguy]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for
ham,bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. He's not sure what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." :)

[GermanSteve]

ROTFLMAO!!

[horseman12]

Lilith, tis hath to be a mad,mad,mad,mad,mad world!LMAO

[69 HER]

way to funny

[vampeyes]

those are the shite Lil

[Booger]

lol Lilith where do you come up with these to funny

[Lilith]

I stole 'em from somewhere:p I could never think of anything so original;)

[scotzoidman]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided
the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to
retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down
the well, and was astonished at what he saw.
As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey
did something amazing. He would shake it off and
take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up. Pretty soon,! Everyone
was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the
edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you,
all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take
a step up!

O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ...

The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out
in the field and kicked the shit out of him. Then
he went over to each of his neighbors farms and
kicked the shit out of them too for helping.

The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to get you.

[quisath]

FOTFLMAO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I'm a Cow was too funny Lil .......... :)

[ericthered]

Soooo - Lilith has an unhealthy interest in leather, whips, spanking etc. Very kinky.......! Perhaps in January we're going to see her wearing her Christmas presents.

[dicksbro]

OMG. THIS IS TOO FUNNY!

ROTFLMAO. Now if only I can get up! :D :D

[Summer]

LMFAO!OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo I'm a cow! LOL

[smallguy]

**Yes this is a bit juvenile but I still laughed. No offense intended to the lovely ladies out there**


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman.

A drug on the market called "beer" is being used by females to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is
now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported
that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know

[xanne]

Great stuff Lilith!! LOL.

I know what's on your Christmas wish list :D;)

[Lilith]

Bump for Summer~ cause I think I'm a Cow is funny as hell:D

[SuzyQ]

The food that impedes sex the most is Wedding Cake....Just kidding...

[OzKristin]

hehehehehhehe

[lakritze]

My favourite one was about the Masochist who said," Oh whip me,tie me up and beat me." and the Sadist who said "NO."

[LixyChick]

Oh damn Lil! I tried that url and "I'm a Cow" doesn't seem to be there anymore....even when I put it in "search"!

Poo! I missed it the first go round! Oh well....I'll live I spose! LOL!

[LixyChick]

P.S......Could someone get lakritze a "Standing Up In A Hammock" avatar!

LOL.......I just thought it'd be nice to see!

[Lilith]

new URL

http://www.pendland.com/html/cow.html


I edited the one in the beginning of the thread too:D TY Lixy!

[Ryan²]

LOL, Lilith, the night before Christmas and The Twelve Days Of Christmas are the bestuns! Where do you get these from? ;)

[Steph]

Holy cow! Great song! :D

[LixyChick]

OMG Lil! TY so much! *curtsey*

Will be looking harder at those pastures I pass when I see "farmer Brown" calling in the herd!

Too damn funny.........but um........now I'm gonna be singin that all day! Yikes!

[OzKristin]

haha having lived near a farm for a good part of my childhood, i'll never see those farmers in the same light ever again jk lol!