I went to the costume shop yesterday to select my outfit for this year. The lady showed me a Captains uniform that I liked. It had a big, three cornered hat with a plume, big gold epaulettes on the shoulders, a gem incrusted sword with a leather tassel on the handle and shinny, knee high leather boots. When she said it would cost $100 to rent for a night, I told her my budget is a little tight this year and I’d need something a little less.

She showed me a Sailors uniform with a cloth cap and brass buttons on the vest. It came with a short rubber sword and black tennis shoes. When she said that would cost $50 for a night, I told her that seemed like a lot for that costume.

She sold me a costume for less than $10 and told me how to get dressed for the party. It was a quart of Fire Engine red paint for $5.95 and a straw broom for $2.98. She said I should pour the paint in my bathtub, then get naked and roll around in it. Then saw the handle off the broom,… stick it up my ass and go as a Candied Apple.

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