WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen.

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

19. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."