General Relationship question

[loveli1]

I'm 21 and the guy I'm sleeping with is 28. He moved out where I am from another state in September. I am pretty much the only person he knows here. I have a 13 month old daughter by another man and the guy I'm seeing is okay with that and he is very good to her. We've been sleeping together for 3 months and I am really getting attached to him and like him very much. He has already given me the whole speech about how hr's not the guy for me as far as a relationship but then he gives me mixed signals - like when we're supposed to hook up sometimes he gets really tired and we just go to bed, no sex or anything. Well, usually he helps me out but nothing for him. And the other day he was telling me how when his lease is up he's probably going to go back home, but how he wants me to go with him. So i'm very confused by this whole thing. He seems like a very nice typical guy who's probably afraid of commitment or whatever. I really need help on what to do. Do i tell him or just keep it to myself? also sometimes when he has to work late i get upset because i can't see him and he thinks it's because i don't get any sex and he gets mad. so pleeeaaase give me any advice you can. i'd appreciate it so much. sorry this is so long

heather

[Lilith]

that when a guy says no strings he means no strings. That does not mean that they do not care but just that they are not willing or able to make a serious investment in that relationship. It is hard when you get into it for sex and you begin to feel more but such is often the nature of us girls( or so a caveman told me)! I would try to back off. I would also think hard about whether you are going to permit yourself to fall for him. I hope it goes your way.... Let us know!

[luv2please]

heather,
This sounds like a very difficult situation but there are some things you might want to consider carefully. When he gave the "I'm not the guy for you speech" is it possible that he was really saying something else? Like maybe you are not the girl for him? Please don't take this the wrong way, I am just trying to figure out why he would say that if he really wanted to continue the relationship on a permanant basis. It sounds like he is not ready for a commitment in a relationship from what you wrote. How do YOU feel about moving back back home with him? Would this move cause you to become dependant on him? And what if you move back and then he decides to end the relationship? Just my thoughts... Good luck!

[Fang]

I wouldn't make any big decisions. You have a 13 month old and from the way it sounds you are relatively settled in Chicago. If you really care about this guy, then tell him you need to think and to see how things go. You can still see each other, not as often but you'll learn if you really care about one another regardless of proximity. Think about yourself and your baby first. With your guy's absence you should be able to figure out if you can or can't live without him. We cavemen can be a fickle lot, but when we find the one we want to keep we keep 'em. He also must learn whether you are the one he wants. That is what it boils down to. If you two really are in love, you can't live without him and he needs to be near you, then you will work something out. That's the way love is.

Good luck.

[blk cat]

Hi Luv,
I think you need to have a long hard look at your present
situation,then a long heart to heart wth this guy.you have to know where you and the little one fit into his future.
Best of luck,

[mindboxer505]

loveli 1, I think fang and blk ct have the right idea about one thing for sure. you have to put the well being of your daughter first. sex and relationship be damned! that little girl is depending on you to care and love her and help her get started in this world. please consider her first and foremost as you plan your life with this man and moving with him to wherever. god help you in your decision. mdbx505;)

[Irish]

loveli1---When you meet the right person;You will know it.I know
it's hard to believe.The night that I had the first date with my wife
;I had three other sure-thing dates with good looking women;and
I was only 18& a serviceman.I would screw a snake; if you held it's head;and the head part was optional.I went out with her because I wanted to go out with a girl that I respected.I told the
others that I had to work in case that didn't work out.Un- fortunately;two of them saw me out with her. Irish
P.S.We have been married for 36yrs.so it must have been the right choice.

[Oldfart]

A couple of interesting points.

1. He's more interested in getting you off than himself.

2. He's looking at putting miles between you.

Sometimes men get into a relationship where they feel

an obligation to do the right thing, but really want a time-out.

With your friend, if the passion's gone, but he isn't, you're

probably looking at the endgame of the relationship.

Talk it out with him honestly, deal realistically with what the

two of you decide, then tell us about it.

[loveli1]

Thank you all sooo much. It's so nice to have an outside opinion. I will take everything that was said here into consideration. and about my daughter I would never do anything to hurt her or put her in a bad situation. I am trying to figure this out for me before she is even brought into it. so far she's just seen him when we go to his house and play. just like when we go to my brother's or another friend's. there's no attachment yet and that's why i was trying to figure it out. but thank you all again so much. i still don't know what i'm gonna do lol, but i'll try to sort it all out. :p

Heather

[mindboxer505]

heather, a good idea would also be to see how your daughter and your boy friend relate and ''communicate'' with each other. i know she is still an infant but how does he react around her to ordinary, daily things? IF YA CAN GET HIM TO CHANGE A ''DIRTY'' DIAPER, BY ALL MEANS ,,,KEEPHIM!!!!!!!!!:D :D LOL!!

[scotzoidman]

A lot of what Fang said can be summed up in that hokey but true saying, "If you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was yours." Sounds like your guy is just as confused as you are, and just maybe putting some space between the two of you will answer all your questions; I know it's hard to let go of a good thing, but good luck whatever you decide!

[loveli1]

So far he's been great with my daughter. We've gone to the zoo and the mall and he buys her things and plays with her. A lot of my friends won't even do that because they don't want people to think she's theirs lol. But as far as that goes he knows that she comes 1st no matter what and he's very good to her. I was going to tell him that we should hold off on everything for a while, but then what if he is the one and I just blow him off? then that would suck highly. i'm just very confused right now. Then last night I went to his house and we were hanging out and he asked me to spend the night so I made babysitter arrangements and I did. Then we just laid on the couch watching tv and we went to bed. nothing happened at all. so if he just wanted sex like he claims then what is that about? and then when i try to leave in the morning he never wants me to go. i guess that's why i'm confused maybe we just think differently.

[Irish]

loveli1---Were you and your daughters father ever married?My
autistic grandson has gotten really attached to my youngest
daughters boyfriend.He has many of his own kids from a previous
marriage(youngest few in teens)and is not interested in having
anymore.My daughters-ex is almost jealous of their interaction.
My daughters boyfriend treats him very affectionately but has no
intention of trying to take his fathers place.Who can figure it?You
wouldn't believe how much he changed from the person that she
originely married.He was an Army Ranger Airborne when they first
married.Now he's a legend in his OWN mind! Irish

[Ophelia]

I know I will probabluy get raked over the coals for this, but I just want to point out a few things:

1. you are only 21
2. you've only been "hooking up" for 3 months
3. he doesn't have any other friends in the area

It is possible that he needs you, where you both are right this minute, because you are comfortable, safe and familiar. I would (in agreement with nearly all other post-ers) encourage you to let him go. There's no telling what is in store for him at home, let alone you and your baby.

Whatever possessed him to say that he "wasn't the guy for you" may have something to do with whatever is waiting for him back home. Let him go, get settled, and contact you if he wants.

In the mean time, buy some erotic literature and a vibrator and "set yourself free"! ;)

Ophelia

[Fang]

How old is your guy, 28? Hmmmm. A lot of us guys right around this age should be more mature but we aren't. Many times we say we want one thing (sex and only sex) but deep down we don't know what we want. It sounds like your guy really does love you regardless of his "in it for the nookie only" statement. Be careful. We (guys) can do a lot of emotional damage to the women we love without ever intending or wanting to. It sounds like your boyfriend is just as confused about what he wants as you are.

I'll reiterate what I've posted before loveli1: Take your time. Make no decisions now. If your boyfriend must leave, you must let him. The old saying goes, if you love something, set it free. I know you are worried about losing "the one." I'm not convinced it works that way. Right now he is the one. If things don't work out, you will recover and you will find another. You might find something out about yourself in the process and be happier in the future. You might even discover "another one." They are out there.

About 7 years ago, I lost the love of my life. I wanted to marry her and have children with her. I loved her more than life itself. Things didn't go as I would have hoped. Neither my fault nor hers, it just worked out badly. I moved 2500 miles away from her and have not seen her since. I was devastated. I thought I'd lost my one true love and hope to be happy. In time I got over her. Being single, I learned a lot about who I was and who I wanted to be. I met a wonderful woman. At first, I had no idea she was going to be as important to me as she has become. We have been married now for almost 2 years and we just had a beautiful son. I am happier than I have ever been. The one that I thought was not while the one that is I almost never met. The person I am today would not be in love with that long ago sweetheart. I still think about her and lament losing her as I truly did love her, but I am happier now and much more self actualized. My wife is fantastic and I hope and pray that I never lose her. But if I do, things will work out.

Trust in love, trust in your boyrfiend, and most importantly, TRUST IN YOURSELF! Listen to your heart, but reason with your mind.

Look before you leap.

[loveli1]

No we were never married. We broke up before I knew I was even pregnant. I understand what you all are saying but for some reason I'm just not getting it lol. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. That was froma movie I think or maybe a country song..... but I think for now I will see how things go just as they are. If things don't progress then I will know that he doesn't feel the same. Thank you all once again and everyone here at Pixie's seems to be someone I'd like to hang out with lol. Why is that? Oh and also I don't know what my age has to do with what I want. Please let me know why that matters. Thank you.

Heather

[Fang]

It's not really your age that has a bearing on what you want, it's more your life experiences.

Most young people haven't had the life experiences that help you know what they want. Granted most life experiences tend to burn you and help you learn what you DO NOT want, but they do help you figure it out. "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, don't need to do it again, thanks."

We all hope things work out for the best for you, your little girl, and your boyfriend.

[Irish]

loveli1---The girl that I was very serious about;and probably would have married;I broke it off with.I was only 18 at the time and she was 20.I had joined the armed forces; during our relationship;so it was interstate.(weekends)She liked sex too much and I didn't trust her going without for the week.(sometimes
a month)Women didn't admit to masturbating then,neither did guys)I didn't trust her and I now know that relationships are based on trust.She was pretty and sexy.After all of these years;
I still remember her measurments-37-22-371/2!and she already had one child.It's amazing how your tastes change as you mature.My wife of 36yrs.is pretty,likes sex,is loyal and a great
mother.Things like that are unimportant when you're young but
are very important in a lifetime.Don't make decisions until you think things through. Irish
P.S.Learned over time and exprience!

[scotzoidman]

Originally posted by loveli1
Oh and also I don't know what my age has to do with what I want. Please let me know why that matters. Thank you.

Heather You may not get why that matters until somewhere down the road; all I can tell you iswhat I wanted @ 20 is very different from what I want now! I sense that you want to go with him, & if you really feel that will make your life better, don't let us tell you not to! But if you're not sure, a little space will help you make up your mind; trust me, if he really needs you in his life, he will come back for you! Again, good luck...

[Irish]

Scotz---You are so right!! Irish

[loveli1]

Oh I understand that at my age most people want different things than they want when they're ready to settle down. But I don't party or drink or smoke. I stay at home with my daughter or we go to the park or the zoo or whatever. I cook and clean and all that fun stuff and I like to be at home. I go to work every day and I don't understand how that will be any different for me personally when I get older. I would like to be settled down now. I do appreciate all of your advice though, as I have no idea what a 28 year old man thinks about. = ) Well I think from now on I'll just let you know what happens with us and you can let me know where you think it's going. Thank you all.

Okay, on saturday i spent the night at his house as usual. Then Sunday morning he wouldn't let me leave until I promised to come back over, so my daughter and i came back over and we went to the grocery store and he cooked us dinner. Then we went home.

[tait]

Hi Loveli1,
I truly understand the issues and the confusion you are feeling. I maybe jumping on this bandwagon a little late, so please excuse me.
I am a recently single dad, with a four year old daughter. From a male perspective, it seems your 'guy' is after a comfort zone. Away from home friends, family etc. He appears to be looking to you for certainty & stabilty of some sort. The "I'm not the guy for you" is understandable to a degree, and if it was just a sexual experience for both of you; then OK. But the human heart is a fickle thing, and after desperately trying not to be interested in relationships again after being burnt so bad, I thought the "sex no strings attached" concept would be great.
I have only slept with one other person since being single again, and so quickly the heart kicks in and seems to endlessly confuse things again.
You're young, life is short, so live for you;- Carpe Diem!

[loveli1]

But the thing is I don't know what I want. I really like how things are now because it's going really well. But I also would like things to move forward and be more "together" so to speak. Yesterday I went to his house again and we hung out for a while. He had to get something from work, so he left me at his place alone for about 45 minutes. That really shicked me because I didn't think he'd want me to be alone in his place. Then when he came back we watched tv and we went to bed but he had some ummm problems so not much happened. It wasn't that big of a deal, btu after a while I had to leave so I went home. Then later that night he called me which shocked me again because he hardly ever calls me. Well any input would be great. You all are so helpful. = )

[loveli1]

Okay now on Saturday I went to his house to hang out for a while. We hung out, went to Blockbuster and got a movie. So then he wanted me to spend the night. So I did. Then we had great sex, no problem this time. In the morning he cooked me breakfast, we hung out some more and I went home. I was supposed to come back over and we were going to take my daughter to the park right by his house, but I spent the day alone with my daughter instead.

[Dan99NY]

Keep feeling out the situation and try to look your best. Show him your best side.

Also, don't bug him about working. What I hear you saying is ... if he does NOT work he would be the lazy type and if he does work you miss him. This puts him in a catch 22 and makes you look like an ingrate.

Try to think back to what turns him on about you. There might be a way to re-energize the relationship. If the situation feels hopeless and you feel like the only one putting in alot of effort ... make yourself available to other men.