Celebrity story...

[cavegirl]

Ok, here's one - and if it's been done before then accept my apologies. What we have to do is each contribute a line to a story, the only rule being that all the characters in it have to be famous people - film stars, musicians, sports starts, presenters etc...

I'll start...here goes *deep breath* lol


'Robert De Niro walks to the local grocery store to buy some stuff...on the way there he....'

[jseal]

‘... on the way there he looks into a Love Boutique window, and thinks fondly of one special Madonna performance.’

[cavegirl]

'so much so that he decided to go in there and treat himself by buying....'

[IowaMan]

"..............a black leather corset that resembled the one she wore at the concert. He paid for the corset and headed back towards the market when he saw..........."

[cavegirl]

"Dustin Hoffman coming towards him, heading home - with the exact same corset in his shopping bag...confused and a little freaked out, De Niro..."

[Glyndwr]

paused before asking "Are you planning to make Tootsie, the sequel?". Dustin Hoffman looked shocked, before..

[cavegirl]

'admitting "no, the corset is for my own pleasure..." before a shocked De Niro has time to answer the paparazzi snap them and print their picture with the headline....'

[jseal]

'... "Men in Black III?" Well, this surprised Will Smith, who ...'

[IowaMan]

...immediately called Tom Cruise to see if he wanted to do a sequel to "Rainman."

[dicksbro]

You can imagine his surprise when he found Jane Fonda answered the phone.

[cavegirl]

' who was being employed by Tom Cruise as a part time cleaner. "Whaddya want?" she rasped - the 60 a day cigarette habit was doing her voice no favours..."

[jseal]

"Jane... Jane..." said Will, "Why are you still working at minimum for Tom? I could get you a dozen better opportunities! Just say the word."

[cavegirl]

"I like workin' for Tom" she rasped, coughing violently and making Will shudder on the other end of the phone "he tells me all his secrets...like when he was caught sharing a jacuzzi with...'

[IowaMan]

"his precious Katie and Heath Ledger while Heath was learning lines for "Brokeback Mountain."

[Glyndwr]

Unfortunately for all concerned Oprah was scanning the mobile phone frequencies and had heard every word, "This will make a great programme, I'll call it......

[cavegirl]

'Scientology - What You Don't See' (;))..."I'll make millions to add to my other millions" cackled Oprah, evilly...Just then, Oprah's manservant Clint Eastwood comes into the room to serve her tea and drops the bombshell....'

[smithy020]

"but surely they'll be someone to stop you" Clint said, "like who?" Oprah snapped back. Just then the window smashed and in jumped Elton John claiming, "I will, This evil plan will never work"

[cavegirl]

"And how do you work that out?" said Oprah, sneering. "Well," said Elton adjusting his wig. "I've written a song about it and my partner David Furnish is going to organise a charity benefit gig to stop your evil plan coming to fruition...mwahahaha all we need now is for...."

[IowaMan]

"George Michael to agree to do the benefit with us and we'll have it made." What Elton didn't realize was that......."

[Glyndwr]

simply putting spandex underwear over tights does not make you a super hero. Clint spun around knocking Elton to the floor "OK punk do you feel lucky".

Elton looked up, gulped and whispered....

[dicksbro]

"... not right at the moment, Clint. But, when Will Smith uses his MIB gun on you, that will all change."

[cavegirl]

Clint laughed a dry, cynical laugh and said "That's not a real gun - he bought it from Toys R Us..." Eltons bottom lip began to tremble and he started to cry...just then, there was a huge sound of glass smashing...the assembled company turned to look, and who should have shimmied in through the window but...

[jseal]

... Britney Spears, who had just left the rehab centre after just one day for the second time! "Anyone see my wig?" she asked.

[Irezumi Kiss]

Suddenly the adjoining bathroom door slammed open, exposing a wet, dripping and towel-clad Susan Lucci, smelling of lilac bubble bath.

"Here's a wig for you, you no-talented, baldheaded, pantyless bitch!" Lucci screamed, taking one sinewy hand, snatching the hair off her head and throwing it at Britney in one fell swoop.

[dicksbro]

Lucci added, "By-the-way, your boobs look phoney."

[cavegirl]

"They are" said Britney "I had a builder install them at the same time he built my swimming pool - He had a couple of bricks and some mortar left, so I thought 'Why not?'" Lucci looked intrigued and asked for the builder's name and number - she was shocked when it turned out to be...

[IowaMan]

Bob Villa, who had done some work at one of Lucci's summer homes a few years back. She then said to Ms. Spears, "Hmmmm, I wonder if he could do something about this?" as she..........

[cavegirl]

lifted up her skirt "I need a new chest of drawers putting in" ( ;) couldn't think of a better euphemism...lol). Britney laughed and said "He'd need an awful lot of wood to sort that out, here I think you'd better have my gynaecologists number instead...". So, Susan diligently called the gynae's number to get an appointment - imagine her surprise when she turned up at the surgery the next day to be greeted by....

[wyndhy]

...edward scissorhands :D she ran screaming from the office and straight into the arms of...

[cavegirl]

Anthony Hopkins (dressed as Hannibel Lecter) who immediately offered to take her for dinner - all washed down with a nice chianti ;) . She pondered on whether to take him up on this for a moment, but before she could answer...

[IowaMan]

.... a freshly shaven Britney Spears (both upstairs and down) comes screaming into view, "Look at me, look at me! I've lost my........"

[cavegirl]

marbles...can you help me find them? I had 100 an they were all different pretty colours. I lent some to Kevin Federline but he won't give me them back and now I'm.....'

[wyndhy]

...totally screwed! i can't play mousetrap without my marbles! i need another daddy for my baby and how will i ever find one if i can't play mousetrap?" susan lucci nods with wide-eyed wonder at such wisdom and gasps, "my god, she's right! someone! quick! what's the number for 911!?" but just then famous psychic john edwards appears in a wisp of vapor, gently takes britney's hands and croons, "britney...

[IowaMan]

..... I sense that you are very troubled. Something to do with a mouse wearing suspenders? Does that sound right? No wait, I'm seeing a sexual encounter with you and......."

[wyndhy]

... red green. yes red green. i see him now. he's wearing suspenders. he's got a roll of duct tape. HE is your baby's daddy!" suddenly, lucci goes ballistic, "you whore! dirty rotten whore! red green is mine. he swore i was the ony one he'd ever duct." she goes right for the throat, digging her talons into britney's jugular. blood squirts 20 feet into the air, raining down on them all, just as woody allen walks up wearing a white dress, a cap and horn-rimmed glasses. "uhmmm. i hate to be a bother but ...

[IowaMan]

..... have any of you seen a young Asian girl wearing a strap on dildo and top hat? We're shooting a picture and we need to find her. She's in a scene with myself and Bob Barker and we need her to........."

[WildIrish]

...spin my prize wheel, if ya know what I mean. While Ms. Spears lay in a pool of her own drugfilled bodily fluids, and Ms. Lucci ranted maniacally over the nearloss of her secret handyman lover, John Edwards had managed to use the distraction to leap out what's left of the window into the waiting arms of...

[wyndhy]

... dionne warwick. "MWAHAHAHAHA,' she cackles. "i knew those dimwits would believe your psychic claptrap. now that britney's out of the way, we're finally free to...

[WildIrish]

...take over the void created in pop music with our new group War-Ed! First order of business is to...

[wyndhy]

... call justin timberlake, tell him he can finally get rid of the red green disguise and that we will be arriving shortly to collect our fee." edwards nuzzles his face against dionne's leg. "get down, lowly dog!" she says. "but mistress," he pleads. "shut UP! i'm trying to think" she begins to pace, "then, after our band goes top forty, and we start raking in the cash, we can finally re-establish the psychic friends network, our diabolical secret cover operation for … (insert appropriate bom, bom BOOOMMMM music here)

[WildIrish]

...DISCO! (Diabolical Imbecilic Secret Covert Operations) Who's cast of secret members from all walks of society join together to fight for the common goal of ridding the world of mirrored balls hanging from the ceilings. The current leader...

[wyndhy]

john travolta (in an ironic twist that brings us circling back to scientology) sits in his high-rise office, drumming his fingers together, watching the view on his monitor from the hat-cam attached to lowly dog edwards. “fools,” he thinks, as they make their way to the rendezvous with timberlake, “don’t they know that the 'way to happiness' will not come from the eradication of all disco balls, but only from ...

[Aqua]

the acceptance that Ron Popeill is really God in human form and that we exist only to use his brilliant inventions." Travolta stops drumming his fingers and gets his secretary on the phone. "Bjork, I need you to connect me to...

[wyndhy]

the flying spaghetti monster.” “ja,” she replies, “vight avay, herrn travolta.” she taps the button on her phone next to the white label marked WWTFSMD and as john travolta watches his monitor in growing horror, john edwards’ cell phone begins to ring at the same exact time! “bjork! abort! abort now!” he shrieks. he runs to hide in the closet, grabbing a cornish game hen on the way. it’s been cooked to rapturous perfection in the compact rotisserie, its impeccable texture enhanced only by the flavor injector set that came free when he purchased within the next ten minutes. after he wipes the grease from his hands, he feels much calmer. he now knows who he must speak with if he is to rise above this latest betrayal. as the discarded bones lay at his feet, he presses the i.c.e button on his watch. the glowing digital readout disappears and is replaced by the face of gary coleman. “gary! the worst has happened!” warns travolta. “whachoo talkin’ about, john?” gary barks. “we need your help, gary. you’re the only one small enough … plan B must be enacted … you must descend the depths of the sewers … you’re the only one small enough. we need you to find …

[IowaMan]

...... Paris Hilton's innocence. It is the only thing that can bring any sort of sanity and order back into this world. We believe she left her innocence in a pair of panties that were discarded in a Hollywood alley about six years ago when she was ............"

[GusAspar]

... trying to seduce David Furnish in some wild vendetta against Elton John. She's obviously gone too far this time, so I think we need to call in...

[wyndhy]

beloved singer and star of over 4 billion tv shows and movies (including her own reality series), liza minelli! she is the secret society’s foremost authority on discarded panties and girls who capitalize on their parent’s fame and/or money. however, there is a challenge … she can only be summoned from her lair by flicking the nose of fellow washed-up singer and beloved darling of gay men across the globe, tiffany, while chanting "i stuff my bra with mammary foam," but tiffany hasn’t been seen since …

[IowaMan]

... they closed The Gap store in her local mall. The search for her would be too costly so rather than spend the money, a call was made to Dr. Phil who arrived at the scene with.........."

[wyndhy]

you guessed it … oprah. after she dispatched her manservant clint with a 9mm and threw him in lake michigan for daring to question her all mighty power, she continued monitoring mobile frequencies and thus was laying in wait for dr phil in his garage. just as he opened the car door, she stepped out of the shadows, waving her gun, “i’m coming with you, mcgraw, and don’t even think about trying to stop me. i made yuo and i can crush you. i will be the one to break this story, and you're gonna to help me … and if you refuse,” her evil grin glowed ghostly in the dim garage, “i'll tell the entire world how you …

[jseal]

... lead a secret life as a CROSS DRESSER!" Dr. Phil gasped ...

[Aqua]

and made a quick dive for the George Foreman Grill that Oprah had given him as a bonus for sucking up so well. Oprah fired, but the grill deflected the shot. "No matter", Oprah mused, and gave a low whistle. 3 seconds later George Foreman himself walked into the garage waiting for Oprah's instruction. "George, please walk over to the good Dr and...

[cavegirl]

pour the excess fat from your grilled meat over him..." George obliged, covering Dr Phil in gallons of gunk. Before he could get to the last tanker full in walked...

[IowaMan]

.... Mike Meyers, dressed as Austin Powers, and shouted, "Where's Oprah? I'm randy baby! I wanna shag that minx!" Upon hearing that Mr. Foreman said.........

[cavegirl]

"Where's the rest of the excess fat from my grill? If I can just chuck it over Mike Myers he'll not be able to grab hold of Oprah, she'll boing off him and end up catapulting herself into...."

[wyndhy]

the pitchfork hanging on the wall and i will finally be rid of that selfish old hag and her crazy demands." before he can carry out his plan, michael mckean and david lander (a.k.a. lenny and squiggy) walk in. "hello," they pipe together. "we smelled grease," sniffs mckean. "we need it." adds lander, "we're doing a reuniting tour for lenny and the squigtones. we'll pay you ... anything you ask."
george is torn, he hates oprah but he love, love, LOVES lenny and the squigtones. after a moment's thought he decides to...

[IowaMan]

..... fire up one of his grills and cook some hamburgers. He contemplates what his next move should be while waiting for the burgers to cook. As he inhales the heavenly smell of the searing burgers in walk Henry Winkler and Ron Howard (Fonzie and Richie Cunningham) who say.........."

[jseal]

"Is Dr. Phill around? We heard from De Niro and Hoffman that he has some black leather corsets that are to DIE for.”

[wyndhy]

"yeah, i'm here, but they're all on loan to cher. let me get her on the phone," replies dr.phil, emerging from the shadows of the garage where he's been cowering. he flips open his cell and says "do you believe in love?" the voice activated phrase which he's programmed in to dial her digits. "cher? i need my goods back. the fonz has a hankerin for some leather" .... "no, no, no. not the tuscadero kind. he wants the tight fitting, bad-ass kind" ... "alright, alright, same thing, i get it. just ... *huffing sigh* ... we'll be over it a few minutes." he flips the phone closed. "road trip," he says. "who's comin?"

[cavegirl]

"Ooh, mememe!" chirrup the Fonz and Richie in a slightly worryingly camp way. The Fonz adjusts his wig and powders his nose while Richie polishes his bald patch...They then depart for their road trip to visit Cher in her crotchless pants *shudders*. On the way, they pick up a rather dazed and confused...

[Glyndwr]

...Kate Winslett. "Where am I?" she asked quizzically. "Don't I recognise you guys?"
Fonzie eyed her up and down, noticing the torn shirt gaping provocatively "Heeeyyy" he said, uttering his catchprase, "What happened to you?"...

[IowaMan]

......were you in a rumble? Where are the guys who did this to you? The Fonz will take care of them!" Into the picture strolls Sean Connery who says, "A rumble? Why I haven't been in a good rumble for years. Sounds like fun but I've got this blister on my bum that's really bothering me. Could someone............"

[cavegirl]

...lance it for me?" at this point, in steps Jane Seymour, as Dr Quinn Medicine Woman - replete with first aid kit and a special tool for lancing the boils off the bodies of the rich and famous. "Bend over, Mr Connery..." she said breathlessly putting on her latex gloves and...

[IowaMan]

...grasping him by his bare buttocks. "You're going to feel a little prick Mr. Connery." She then proceded to begin the procedure when into the room runs ..............