Looking for Honest Feedback

[WakMaster]

First let me say I've enjoyed being a member of Pixies for a couple years. I don't post much, just read mostly. This is a great community and I would very much appreciate honest feedback from you all regarding my "situation."

Lately I've found myself in a tough spot. i'm your average mid-30s guy, married, decent job, no kids. Been married 9 years, good sex life, etc....by all accounts a pretty good life. I love my wife...but there has always been something missing....we're kind of like roommates that have sex, and do projects really well together...but beyond that we really don't have much in common.

Let me just come out and say it bluntly; I'm in love with another woman. We've worked together for over 4 years, but from day one I knew it. She is everything I always imagined my true mate would be. We have never had anything remotely physical...just plain old-fashioned friendship. We spend a lot of time together outside work...doing freelance work, computer stuff or just hangin out. I am physically attracted to her....but its so much more than that. We are each other's best friends...no doubt about it. She has been married for 13 years, no kids, and aside from the typical "bumps" is probably pretty happy.

Recently we worked REALLY late, combined with many beers each and some "honesty" came out...mostly from me, but some from her as well. I think she feels the same about me as I do about her, but I'm not 100% sure. And all the extenuating circumstances that come from being married as long as we have....it's exciting but very scary at the same time.

So....my question to all of you: What the hell do I do? My friendship with this woman is very important to me and I don't want to risk ruining it by pushing too hard. On the other hand...it is driving me crazy to spend so much time with her and yet still go home to other people.

[BigBear57]

My advice would be to take a closer look at what you have a home. 9 years and a good sex life hardly seems like anything you'd want to toss away. New love always seems perfect... one wrong move and you'll have neither of them. Proceed at your own risk and try to use the big head to think with. Good Luck.

[LixyChick]

Wow hun! What a dilemma!

The real question here is...What do you WANT to do?

Do you want to have an affair? Or, separate first and get together with this other woman?

As Bear said, you are risking both relationships with one wrong move and the trouble is, you won't know till it's done. Is the risk worth it?

I've gotta say that I think you need professional advice and your marriage might need professional help as well. A talk with your wife about what is happening in your head couldn't hurt. What I mean is...ask her if she's happy with the current circumstances and if there is anything she'd change if she could. If you can't bring yourself to do it...seach your soul as to why. Is it because you don't want to make the marriage good again? Is it because if you did make the marriage good again you'd lose this feeling with the other woman?

In all honesty hun, this isn't something [we] can help you with. You are the only one with the answer. I understand why you asked...but I also think you already know what you want and just needed validation. I could never pretend to know what is right and what is wrong for YOU! Only YOU can possibly know that!

Best of luck! TY for trusting us with your feelings, but I'm afraid I can't be of any help at all!

[cherrypie7788]

I agree with both of the posts above, but sweetie....You better make sure this woman feels the same way and would leave/put aside her life for you, also.

[WakMaster]

Lixy, Bear, Cherry -- Thank you so much for your honest words.

[WildIrish]

Sometimes the right people find each other at the wrong times. Who's to say what things would be like if you two were able to be together? But right now, that can't happen without major changes to a lot of lives.

The first step should be to figure out if that's something you want to do. Lixy asked "What do you WANT to do?". Do you want to end your marriage? Do you want to have an affair? Do you want to end the intimacy you share with your coworker and try to find the intimacy and deeper connection your marriage is missing?

Then figure out what she wants to do. Would she leave her husband and children for you? Would she want an affair?

We can't give you answers but we're pretty good at asking questions, huh? I think you'll find that once you start answering the questions, your path will be a lot clearer.

[phelan]

if you want my advice bring up what you guys talked about without any beers...who knows she might be a light weight and can only take one, so you gotta start eliminating possibilities that what she said she truely feels before you do anything, as i have no doubt that alcohol had some effect on what she said :P

but seriously u gotta reflect on your marriage and where do you want your life to go.

[WakMaster]

phelan - she isn't a light weight, in fact she keeps up with me just fine :-) We've had other conversations that didn't involve beer and all signs point to the same place.

WI - Thank you for pointing out the intimacy issues with my marriage. In the last 9 years my wife and I have discussed this several times, but it remains unchanged. I fear that we just don't have that kind of connection. Question is, is it possible to get it? I can't ask her to act ways she doesn't feel like acting. I don't know if she's ever had an ntimate relationship with anyone, so to expect her to understand what's missing is difficult. As for myself, I have had one other relationship (prior to marriage) that was 100% intimate. It felt awesome! And the sex....still the best I've ever had. I often wish I would have made more of an effort to recover that relationship when it got difficult.

As for what I want? Not an affair for sure. Not that it wouldn't be fun :-) I'm afraid its the whole enchalada. But how do I go about finding out what she wants? Or, should I just play it safe and back away? As Bear pointed out...I certainly don't want to lose both. Anyone believe in "if it's supposed to be, it'll just work out?"

[joys]

Havent read all the replies but can throw in my 5 cents.

First, you say you have no kids which is very important.

Second, you say you are atrracted (bluntly in love) to another woman and you believe she feels same.

Dude, I've been through this but in some different ways.

My 5 cents, since you do not have kids, just tell her (your wife) what you feel. Of course she will not confront it easily but you will be the one to tell the truth.

This is my second marriage and I am very glad that I have been divorced and married my current wife. Don't fear..

[Stolen Kisses]

I hope I can add my 2 cents.

You said you love your wife, but are you "in love" with her?

IMHO there is a difference.


(IMHO) You should find that out 1st. Then you should to seriously ask the other woman where she wants this ( if there is a this) to go. And if it is serious you must tell you wife everything.

I doubt any marriage is perfect. I have been married for 7.5 yrs and we have had our rough patches. I don't lie and I don't hold back. I know sometimes what I say hurts my hubbys feelings but if I want things to change then he has to be aware of everything.

I wish you all the luck in the world that whatever you decide to do goes as smoothly as possible.

Hugs,
SK

[WakMaster]

You hit the nail on the head SK - No, I don't believe I am. And reflecting back...I don't think I ever was.

joys - I hope my story ends as well as yours. It seems like I can never get anything right the first time. Maybe I'll get a second chance at marriage without messing life up too much in the process.

[Loulabelle]

WakMaster - I've got another slant on this hun, which is something I think it's important that you're aware of. I'm not sure you're going to like what I'm going to say, but it's coming from recent personal experience and the recent experience of a good male friend of mine.

Has it occurred to you that the great and incredibly powerful attraction to this other woman may not be all it seems. You are in a stable relationship, but it has some serious flaws and is not as fulfilling as it should be (for whatever reason) and perhaps the attraction you feel for this woman is because she represents a way out of your current relationship.

As others have said here, no relationship is perfect, but it's easy to think that a new relationship is better than an old one and you may well find (as both my friend and I did) that when you end one relationship for the sake of a new one, that the new one fails even to get off the ground, and the sole purpose of that all encompassing attraction was simply to extract you from your unhappy relationship. It's like you're attracted to your own freedom rather than this new person but you're blinded to see it. Your thoughts are 'the feelings are so strong, it must be 'the real thing'' but in fact that often doesn't turn out to be the case.

I think you should give serious consideration to whether your marriage is right for you, and only decide to leave it if you're happy to accept that you may end up with no relationship. I also think you'd be best to plan on having some time alone before entering into a relationship with your friend, simply because relationships which overlap like that tend to carry loads and loads of emotional baggage. Don't leave your wife 'for' this other woman.....if you need to leave your wife, leave her for you. And if the other woman has any sense and wants any real chance of making a relationship with you work, she'll make that same decision independetly of you....if not, it's perhaps as I feared: the strength of feeling is not always proof of how genuine the relationship is.

[joys]

I hope I can add my 2 cents.

You said you love your wife, but are you "in love" with her?

IMHO there is a difference.


(IMHO) You should find that out 1st. Then you should to seriously ask the other woman where she wants this ( if there is a this) to go. And if it is serious you must tell you wife everything.

I doubt any marriage is perfect. I have been married for 7.5 yrs and we have had our rough patches. I don't lie and I don't hold back. I know sometimes what I say hurts my hubbys feelings but if I want things to change then he has to be aware of everything.

I wish you all the luck in the world that whatever you decide to do goes as smoothly as possible.

Hugs,
SK

I'd second that

[joys]

As others have said here, no relationship is perfect, but it's easy to think that a new relationship is better than an old one and you may well find (as both my friend and I did) that when you end one relationship for the sake of a new one, that the new one fails even to get off the ground, and the sole purpose of that all encompassing attraction was simply to extract you from your unhappy relationship. It's like you're attracted to your own freedom rather than this new person but you're blinded to see it. Your thoughts are 'the feelings are so strong, it must be 'the real thing'' but in fact that often doesn't turn out to be the case.


I wouldn't agree with that Loulabelle. You can't be sure if you didn't try, and if you didn't try you could be sorry for the rest of your life. If it's not working, it's not working whether there is someone else involved or not.

No need to be pessimistic about what may come -- nor to be optimistic either LOL

[WakMaster]

Loulabelle & jouys - the two of you seem to represent the 2 sides of the perverbial fence for me right now. I would like too believe that a relationship with this other woman would, in fact, be all that I woud like it to be. But there are many areas of her "personal" life that I don't know anything about...and just because we are very compatable as friends does not mean we would be just as compatable in the bedroom or even living together. And I think all of us here at Pixie's will agree that incompatabilities in the bedroom are the worst of all ;-)

Since I originally posted this topic, things have progressed a little. I think I am coming to an understanding with my friend...all be it slowly...and hope to get a better understanding of what she's thinking soon. Maybe a little fling wouldn't be a bad idea....we'll see.

[WakMaster]

Well...I had a talk w/the other woman. I expressed my feelings for her and she said she felt the same about me. However, she said, she is not ready to give up on her marriage. So we settled on remaining friends.

Obviously that's not the outcome I was looking for, but she is my best friend and I wouldn't want her to do anything she wasn't perfectly comfortable with. Who knows what the future will hold, right? I'll just continue to be the best friend I can be and maybe I'll be able to win her heart some day.

Thanks again to all the fellow pixies who listened....I think just putting my thoughts out here helped me get through this better. You guys are great :-)

[maddy]

Now you know where you stand, and maybe with it behind you, you can focus on what you might need to do (or could do) to bring the spark back to your marriage...

[calihotguy]

You are working under an assumption that you cannot have what you want with your wife, but the question I would pose is: Have you done everything in your power to attempt to gain what you seek in your current situation?

You have children and you have a wife, so in an ideal situation, if you could have all you wanted in your current situation, it would be the best idea right?...keeping a happy marriage, not hurting your wife or kids.

One member offered the idea of a professional, and I am offering the same suggestion. Go to marriage counseling, go balls out and be honest about everything....and as therapy progresses, even tell her about this current situation. A relationship has many subtleties and nuances that are picked up on almost an unconcious level....these things can contribute to what you are talking about "the lack of passion." GEtting passion back in a marriage just takes work and usually some therapy (if your own attempts as a couple have failed).

Basically, to summarize..I would say don't ruin a potentially happy home until you and your wife have done everything in your power to make it happy. Secondly, the first two steps I would take are:

Two books I would reccomend, Hot Monogamy by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson, and Rekindling Desire by Barry and Emily McCarthy (BTW for everyone this book especially is great for low-sex or no sex marriages...try it out, could save your marriage).

Secondly, like I said, get couples counseling/therapy...do your research first to find a good therapist, there are bad ones and good ones, so if you do your research, get recommendations and such, you run the chance of getting a good one instead of a bad one which could make you think therapist is not worth it (it is, but it takes a good therapist to make us see that).

I hope that helps, and I hope other people read this. There are good reasons to leave a spouse (such as abuse, harm to children) and bad reasons to leave a spouse (not enough sex)....the bad reasons can usually be fixed with some good effort. Thanks

[WakMaster]

Hi Everyone --

Its been a while since my last post...things have been "developing."

First I want to address a couple things calihotguy mentioned -- and thanks for that feedback cali --

Neither of us has kids, which makes things a *little* less complicated. Also, I don't believe lack of sex comes into play here. At least not for me. Its the low-level connection to our spouses that does not exist and never has existed. I'm talking about the respect, the tenderness, the intimacy. Not physical sexual attraction.

Anyway -- enough of that. The last couple of weeks have been interesting. My friend and I have had many good conversations and have discovered a lot of feelings between us. Oddly enough, both of our spouses are out of town this weekend and we decided to spend as much time together as possible. OMG! Thats all I can say. We have connected on every level. It is absolutely incredible....the attraction to eachother. We spent the night together last night and most of it was spent talking, kissing and touching one another. It was hands-down the most intimate experience I've ever had...and she agrees. Truth be told, when it came time to have sex, I couldn't....and that's never happened to me before. Fortunately after snuggling tight and sleeping for a while, everything "came alive" and we both had a really great time. Not the kind of "great time" we all read about in the story posts...the mututal love, respect and admiration part -- we made love slowly for over an hour staring into each others eyes. It was awesome!

I've rambled on enough for now...thanks to everyone who listens. Neither of us knows how this is going to go, but I think decisions will be based on true feelings and not sexual impulses.