Ex-boyfriend Problem

[cherrypie7788]

Okay, I don’t usually like to discuss things like this…But I’m having a serious problem and I don’t know what to do, pixies is the only place that I feel comfortable enough to ask for help.

I broke off a bad relationship around the first of January, this man was living in my house. I loved him, I really did. I lost my virginity to him and had planned to marry him--until I got to know him for who he really was.

I’m not here to beg for sympathy or anything, so I’ll skip the really emotional stuff…But he wont leave me alone. He has since moved out of state, but I still get phone calls (and one email) from him. I don’t want to have my number changed since so many people know it and I’ve had it forever…I don’t think it’d do me much good to change it.

This evening was the real downer for me. He calls and I see that it’s his mobile on the caller ID so I don’t answer, he leaves a message on the machine where he’s all teary and upset and “just needs to talk” to me. So of course I picked up the phone, being the person that I am I just want to make sure he’s okay…He concocts this big story about his family trouble and how much he misses me and wants to come home to me because he “loves” me.

I DON’T love him, and I DON’T want him to “come home” to me. I tried to handle the situation as delicately as I possibly could, but of course it ended the way all of our conversations do--with him screaming and me crying.

I hung up on him and he actually had the audacity to call back and yell at me on the answering machine :rolleyes2

He says he’s coming back to TN in a month to see his friends and he wants to pop in to see me, and that worries me extremely. He has never hit me, but he’d never screamed at me and called me “cunt” and “whore” before either. In short, I’m afraid of him. I just don’t know what to do….My mom went through the same thing when she divorced my dad and she got a restraining order, which she will forwardly tell you is the most useless piece of paper the courts can issue.

Have any of you ever experienced this or anything like it? If so…How did you handle it? I need help.

[Lilith]

((((((((((hugs))))))))) unless you completely cut him off, he will continue to see his behavior as paying off in your attention. Don't answer the phone. No matter what he says, don't pick it up. If he doesn't stop calling then at least you can evidence to take to authorities but if you keep giving in then whatever he is doing is working for him and he will continue to do it, and it could even escalate.

[FallenAngel5]

I've been through that cycle, though much deeper than you have, unfortunately. I have to agree with Lilith on this one... you have to stop talking to him, even when he cries and begs. I know that was one of the most effective weapons my ex had with me. Though if you haven't told him flat out that you don't want to see him, make sure that you do. If/when you do talk to him... try as hard as you might not to be affected by his screaming. If you remain calm, it'll help immensely. And don't be afraid to hang up on him after you've said what you need to say. I'm sorry that you're going through this. (((hugs))) But just be strong.

[cbass1976]

best of luck to ya

[denny]

He really needs to understand you are done. Cut it off cleanly despite your kindness. Kindness is not fair to either of you now. Next time he calls, let him know, in clear terms, that you are through with him and that he is no longer welcome. It will be kinder to both of you.

Good luck.

[Mark Vieth]

I'm with the other's on this. You have to cut him off at the knees.(so to speak)
Stop answering your phone and if he leaves a message just ignore it or rewind the tape. Either way, you have to send him a clear and concise message. If that doesn't work, go to the police and tell them that you are getting unwelcome phone calls.

[Loulabelle]

I agree with the others on this. Don't even enter into a dialogue with him about anything.

He's manipulating your good nature to try to bring you around to his way of thinking.

I know you're thinking that 'what if this time there really is something wrong' but if you've ever heard of the boy who cried wolf, you'll know that people get what's coming to him. If one day he calls and he really is 'not ok' and you ignore the call, then that's HIS fault and not yours. He's not a part of your life anymore. He's not your responsibility and if he genuinely did love you he'd respect your right to live a life without him causing upset.

[jseal]

cherrypie7788,

Don’t speak to him.

Send him an email by reply to his – if you have not deleted it – and put what you have to say in writing. Emails, as Microsoft, Enron, and others have learned, are admissible evidence in court.

Good luck.

[boilergirl1]

I know what kind of fear your in and i am sooo sorry to hear that you are going thru this . here are my thoughts:
get a restraining order anyway what they fail to tell you when you do get one is that you must without fail call the cops every single time that he violates it which can be hard to follow thru with but if you don't then you are responsible for it not being any good. that said, here is more useful advice do you own a bat or a gun? only partly serious there. Do you have any friends who can stay with you while he is in town nothing slows down a good heated discussion much better than a third wheel some one who can call the cops if necessary. Try not to be alone with him at any time if you do decide to "talk" with him again it'll slow down that possibility of things getting out of hand .
Is it possible for you to be "out of town" while he is in town?
these are my best suggestions I'm sure there are others but I can't think of anything more right now. And know that my thoughts are with you be strong (you can be btw) I know you can do anything that you need to so do it right. and good luck .

[lonelyarmywife]

Sweetheart,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. you don't deserve it.

I'm going to jump on the "don't talk to him" bandwagon. Do not answer the phone when he calls. Do not talk to you him if you see him on the street. You don't have to be rude about it, but if you don't acknowledge him, then eventually he will realize you are not interested in talking to him ever again. i know it's harder than it sounds, but, to quote the best movie ever "YOU CAN DO IT!" If he pulls a guilt trip, remember, he is no longer your problem. He can call someone else and cry to them.

When he comes in town, LEAVE. Do you have an out of town friend that you can go to? If not, rent a room at the Super 8 in the next town over for the weekend.

And, as someone else said, it might not be a bad idea to keep a bat or gun, or at least some pepper spray handy...just in case.

Best of luck, sweetheart. I hope this works itself out for you.

LAW

[Stolen Kisses]

(((hugs))) I agree with the others as well. But if it were me- I'd definatley change my number.

GL
Barb

[cherrypie7788]

Hi all, and thank you for all the replies...Things look a lot brighter this morning than they did last night when it happened.

I am going to stop answering his calls, and if he comes here I wont see him. I don't think that it'll come down to me having to (physically) protect myself, especially once he sort of comes to his senses and realizes what's happened is permanent. He has to do that sometime.....

The worst thing he can do to me is call me and make me think something is wrong with him, even though I KNOW in the back of my mind that there's nothing wrong. I'm not going to let that happen anymore either.

Thank you all SO much, I really do appreciate you all! {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

[saggybear]

I too agree with the others.
Change the locks on your place and mke sure he can't get in.

[maddy]

when the phone rings and it's his number immediately go and turn the volume down on your answering machine so that you won't be guilted into picking up the phone, then proceed to engage in some activity that will keep you busy for at least an hour (shopping, a good movie, baking, whatever), just don't think about the answering machine and the message he left. Only listen to the message when you are feeling strong and prepared... you know what it will say before you listen, just don't let it tug at your heartstrings. The phone is the only way he has to stay connected at this point and each time you respond to his pleas is allowing him to still have a connection to your life.

[osuche]

I don't think that it'll come down to me having to (physically) protect myself, especially once he sort of comes to his senses and realizes what's happened is permanent. He has to do that sometime.....


chreeypie, sorry you're going through this! My only new comment is that I would **never** rely on a man's restraint when his ego is in question. Go buy the pepper spray, or something to protect yourself. If nothing else, it will give you peace of mind.

[VaBeast]

I agree with all that has been said above with exception of the weapons. If you want to buy pepper spray fine. But no guns. Unless you're committed to pulling the trigger and living with the outcome it's best not to have something that can be turned against you.

Good luck.

[cherrypie7788]

I just don't think weapons are a good idea at all...He's been maced a number of times (not by girlfriends lol) and he says that it just makes him angry...I think that would just aggravate the situation.

Getting the locks changed is a good idea and I do believe I will look into that.

[Oldfart]

I'll stand out and disagree with most here on this one.

Keep copies of abusive phone messages let the police know that you have concerns

from this attention.

Then tell him (recorded) that it's been over for a long time and you wish it to stay that way.

If you're talking to him for the benefit of the recording, it won't be too overwhelming.

Forget mace, buy a 10kg CO2 extinguisher. This is more likely to deter him and frostbite

on his face is a good bit of evidence. It works on fires too.

Good luck dealing with this shit of an ex.

[katekate42]

Legally, your best course of action is to
1. Post a no-trespassing sign on your property, that way if he comes onto the property uninvited you have a legal option.
2. If you are really afraid of him (and it sounds like you have good reason to be since he's showing some stalker signs here), file a request for a restraining order- if not NOW, then at least after he comes there to bother you.

That way, if he does come near you, it's a crime. When you file the protection order, he will be served papers telling him all that he needs to know, so he shouldn't have to call you or anything like that. TN has some decent laws against stalking now, and it's something the police departments (at least around k-town) have started to take very seriously.

Hugs and best of luck!

[LixyChick]

I totally agree with Oldfart here...KEEP the messages he leaves on your answering machine! Record him as often as possible from now on in and keep a written log book of all his nastiness towards you. Hopefully you haven't deleted the last message where he was yelling at you after he called back and got the machine. Go buy more tapes and change them after each of his calls and keep the taped messages in a place where you and someone else knows where they are...but not near the phone or out in the open! Or if it's digital machine, get a recorder and tape the digital messages if there gets to be too many...but especially before he gets there. Just keep records!

As for the restraining order...even if you don't believe they are of any help, it IS a record of this problem...and it's official! jseal had a great idea about the emails[s]...yes they are admissible in court (if necessary), so save them too!

If you don't want to change your number...take your personal message off your machine. The phone company might have a prerecorded message that you could use temporarily. Their messages are electronic and non-descriptive and you can leave all the personal stuff out of it...example: Hi...it's "cherrypie", but I can't take your call right now...etc. Instead...a phone company message (in that horrid electronic voice)...example: No one is available to take your call...please leave a brief message after the tone...*beep* He might think you've changed your number and stop calling at least! Tell your friends about it and keep it this way for as long as necessary. Don't delete your caller ID records! They have day and time on them!

You HAVE to make it clear in that email that you DO NOT want him to come over! Tell him it is not his "our home" to come to, but that it is YOUR HOME and he is not welcome in any way, shape or form!

Be sure to ALWAYS have people around you when he is in town. Don't give in to his mind games hun. He is playing you with his weeping and then yelling. It's a classic technique even if he doesn't know he doing it. But trust me...he knows. He's trying to break you down from one extreme to the other...passive/agressive if you will! Little do they realize...this is the biggest turn off of ALL!

Be safe, first and foremost...and keep us informed when/if you can!

((((((((cherrypie)))))))

[Oldfart]

What Lixy said.

[cherrypie7788]

A quick update:

He hasn't contacted me in a long while, and I couldn't be happier. The last thing he sent me was an email that contained an apology, and I didn't reply to it.

It seems as though he has accepted the end of our relationship and is ready to move on, at least I hope so. I only want him to be happy, and I know that we would never be happy together again. Breaking up is the best for both of us, not just me. I hope he finds a nice woman that can love who he is.

I want to thank you all for seeing me through this hard time in my life. I've told things here that I haven't told anyone offline, even my family. ((((HUGS)))) to all of you.

[Superfreak]

Just a quick question here: What exactly has he done that has caused him to be "maced a number of times"? Anarchist? WTO Protester ( same thing, I guess )? Drunken brawls with the cops? 50 Cent Concertgoer? Hitler Youth ( lol )?

Just curious. 'Cause I have seen people get hit with that at a concert before, and I for one, would not be in a situation where it would happen to me twice. That looks EXTREMELY unpleasant.

See ya!

[cherrypie7788]

He was, at one time, a police officer and during his training he was maced. He's been maced (assaulted rather) by someone on the job also. I'm not sure of the details of the other incidents.

He was not an anarchist, a hitler youth, a drunk or anything else, if he was I wouldn't have stayed with him that long.

It does look extremely unpleasant, I'll agree. I have never been maced and I don't plan on doing anything to get myself maced lol

[BamaKyttn]

When I had my g/fs ex threatening me, I was fortunate enough to know a local K-9 officer, she trained narc, patrol, and search dogs..... when I called and told her that he had threatened to kill me ( "I'll see you in hell after they pull your cold dead body from the dumpster!") She asked me questions "Do you Own a gun?" my answer "No." Would you like a gun?" again "No." her next question was the greatest thing I never thought about " Do you own a dog that bites?" --- Granted I own 19 house dogs from 80#s to 15#s one will act like a total loon if anyone comes up but won't do anything but roll over for a belly rub if someone comes in, the rest don't do much ( although my SAR dog does growl at men entering my house he's fine away!) so I told her "No." I love her to pieces for the last question "Would you like one?" She was willing to give me one of her Patrol dogs until it all blew over, Luckilly his dad put him back in the institution and he's so heavily medicated that he wets the bed.....

My suggestion make female friends in Law Enforcement, they know that alot of the guys have their balls wrapped in their badges....
( love to all the pixie men with badges but you know it's true...)

Kyttn ( still considering getting a protection dog because she has a big mouth)

[lazaruslong]

Just a thought from a ex telephone operator....
Southwestern Bell has a process where you can change your number temporarily! That way after a month or so you can change it back and by that time (hopefully) the idiot will have given up.

Check with your local company

[Travelinguy]

The phone company offers a plan where if you don't want a person calling then if that number calls they just get a busy signal.

Cherrypie, I'm not suprised the guy quit calling. Glad he did but if he was willing to call you bad names and yell at you then he didn't care for you that much. I guess it suprises me more that you didn't take him back when he called you crying. Don't get me wrong, I don't know you but EVERY girl I have ever known takes the guy back. I was going out with this girl and she hated her ex. He lied about everything to her, was mean to her...well you know and he came calling back and she went back to him. I never did get that. I think that should be its own topic.."why women take them back". Thats when I made a rule...I don't date them if she has been in a relationship in the past 6 months! And my new slogan KISS Keep It Simple Stupid! But anyway, good for you for getting out of a bad situation.

[Stinger]

CherryPie,
I hope that he has come to his senses and realizes that it is truely over. It is great that you didn't reply to his email and a great idea that you don't answer your phone. If you see a rise of email and calls, then you know that it isn't over for him and you do really need to get that restraining order and document everything. I agree with changing your locks and making sure that if you do know that he is in town, stay at a friends place until you know the storm is over.
If you haven't thought of this, look into self defense courses if you do not want to look into weapons and this training would stay with you so you could protect yourself in any situation.
Stay strong sweetie and do no allow him to run your life in fear.