=====>Jokes<=====

[Bardog]

It's another joke thread


A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

[Bardog]

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

[Bardog]

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, 'How long before I get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop an says, 'About an hour and half.'
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, 'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, 'Bill where did he go when he left here?'
Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.'

[Bardog]

Any of you ladies like donuts?


Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

[Bardog]

Last one for now



Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed

[Sharni]

*LOL*

[lakritze]

Three old guys who have been institutionalized for most of their lives were being evaluated by the home's psychicatrist.I am going to ask you each a few questions and write your answers on my clip board.So he ask the first old man if he knew what 3x3 was.Sure Doc.it's 276.He asked the second man what is 3x3.It's Tuesday Doc. The third man answered 9 Doc.Why that is right.Do you know how you arrived at the answer? Sure Doc.I subtracted 276 from Tuesday.

[Cobalt]

ROTFLMAO

[Bardog]

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[Bardog]

A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an ML."

The bartender says, " What's an ML?"

She says, " A Miller Light."

Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a BL."

The bartender says, "What's a BL?"

She says, "Bud Light."

A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."

The bar tender says," What's a fifteen?"

She says," 7&7, duh!"

[Bardog]

25 SIGNS THAT PROVE - "YOU'VE GROWN UP"

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is not for playing games.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

[Bardog]

TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop that creepy ENGINEER guy from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked:

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

[Bardog]

BROKEN LEG

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[Bardog]

LESSER KNOWN HUSSEIN RELATIVES

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated , a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay ..................the restauranteur
Guday................... the half-Australian brother
Huray.................... the sports fanatic
Bejay......................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay....................the baseball player
Ojay........................the stalker / murderer
Gulay......................the singer / entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray......................the country music star
Ecksray...................the radiologist
Puray.......................the blender factory owner
Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay......................the one with bad hair:

Among the sisters:
Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay........................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister
Dushay......................the clean sister
Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway..................the grocery store owner
Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay........................the prostitute
More will no doubt be discovered.

[dicksbro]

WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen.

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

19. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

[Sharni]

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.

2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.

3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.

4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.

5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.

6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass.

7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.

* This is fiction - You couldn't get a man to scrub a toilet.

***This IS a joke***

[Sharni]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[Sharni]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him.

The Morals of the Story are:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

[Sharni]

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.

As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they should both walk.

Soon they passed some people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the best thing would be for them both to ride the donkey.

Soon, they passed a group who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor helpless animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!

[Sharni]

Dear God:

Yesterday was an awful day for me...

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was adopted,

My Dad told me he's gay,

My boss told me I was laid off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

AMEN

[Sharni]

I DON'T WANNA

I don't wanna do the dishes
I don't wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!

I don't wanna rattle pots
I don't wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin'
I wanna chat with friends!

Oh the tables need some dustin'
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there'll be no place to stop.

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.

They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I'm just dreamin'
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that's greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin' round in circles
I am gettin' nothin' done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I'm not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!!

[Sharni]

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my puter from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Amen

[dicksbro]

A man who worked for the fire department came home form work and told his wife, " You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department. When bell 1 rings,we all put our coats on. When bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole. When bell 3 rings, we are on the truck and ready to go. From now on we are going to run this house the same way. when I say bell 1, you strip naked, bell 2, you jump into bed, bell 3, we are going to screw all night........."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, " Bell 1!" and his wife immediately took all her clothes off.

"Bell 2!", and she jumped into bed.

"Bell 3 ", and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes, she yelled, "Bell 4!!"

The husband said, "What the hell is Bell 4?!?!"

" MORE HOSE!" SHE SAID, " YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!!"

[dicksbro]

Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki…

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner; I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

“Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma, which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma.

[dicksbro]

Conversations

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

____________________
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb....

_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

_______________________
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet
coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[Sharni]

At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!

When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!

The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!

I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??

Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.

I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!

So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!

[dicksbro]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[dicksbro]

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are uou looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[Lilith]

Let's get all our giggles in one place!

[FussyPucker]

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen.

[Bardog]

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still unsure but willing, he agreed.

As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked.

"OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened.

He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

The man replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

[Bardog]

Sorry Skip


What's the defintion of a bastard? A guy who screws you all night with a 4 inch penis and kisses you goodbye with a 12 inch tounge!

[Bardog]

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

[GingerV]

LMAO, what a wonderful way to start the morning!

[Ozling]

3 guys are sitting in a bathtub. One of them sees some semen floating in the water and says, "Who farted?"


A kid walks into a grocery store and asks the shopkeepr, "Do you have any laundry detergent?" The owner tell's him yes and asks what kind of laundry he'll be doing. The kid replies, "Not laundry, I'm washing my dog." The owner chuckles a bit, then gets some laundry detergent for him and tells the boy, "Be careful, this stuff is strong."
The next day the boy comes back and the owner asks him how his dog is. The boy informs the owner that his dog is dead. The owner says to the boy, "I told you that stuff was strong." The boy replies, "No, I think it was the rense cycle that got'im."


This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench. The man decides that this is the perfect opportunity for a proposal. The man gets up and bends down on one knee. He looks deeply into the womans eyes and says, "Two questions, my dear: first, will you marry me?" The woman is overjoyed and happily agrees and asks, "What is the second question?" The man replies, "Will you help me up?"

[Lovediva]

A little joke that goes a little with this Thread. (http://www.pixies-place.com:81/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=15867)



Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,Alma,
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed,
and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, when Paul was getting into bed, he realised he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I
have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[Bardog]

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"

[Bardog]

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

[MilkToast]

Not sure if I saw this one on the board before...
_________________-

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did....." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you....."

[Bardog]

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

[Bardog]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[Bardog]

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

[Bardog]

This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."
Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."

A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"

[Lilith]

New Medications for Women Only


D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

N A G A M E N T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

[dm383]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi' bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying
doctor and
asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."

[dm383]

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

[Lovediva]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face!"

[dm383]

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

[Lovediva]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE....


One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!!!!"

"It's a piece of Ass!"

[Lovediva]

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that
keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist
was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit
kicked out of him.

[celticangel]

WHAT SEX ARE THEY?
>ZIPLOC BAGS - male,
>because they hold everything in, but you can always see right
>through them.
>
>
>SHOE - male,
>because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
>
> COPIER - female,
>because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
>TIRE - male,
>because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
>
> HOT AIR BALLOON - male,
>because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it .... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
>
> SPONGES - female,
>because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
>
> SUBWAY - male,
>because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
> HOURGLASS - female,
>because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
> HAMMER - male,
>because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
>
> REMOTE CONTROL - female!
>..... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men
>pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
>

[Bardog]

I don't know if these would really be called jokes
but they are funny


TRUISMS


The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

if swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Finally, advice for today ................ Remember, a truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

[dicksbro]

Bar Joke


A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks......

"Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"

The Bartender says, "Well, we call it a 'Pabst Smir'

[dicksbro]

EVER WONDER?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

[Bardog]

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which,
just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In
language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used
as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive Mary was
fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a
passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is
fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It
can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an
interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used
as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see,
there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
describe many situations:

1. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
2. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
3. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
4. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
5. Disgust "Fuck me."
6. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
7. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
8. Despair "Fucked again..."
9. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
10. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
11. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
12. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
13. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
14. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
15. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
16. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
17. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
18. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic

[Lovediva]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one."

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the Eyes and says calmly:






"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

[Lovediva]

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.

She asked him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wished him a good trip and left the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asked, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse left Charlie's room and crossed the hall into another patient's room to find Ed sitting on his bed, masturbating vigorously.

Very surprised she shouts, "Ed! What are you doing?!"

To which Ed replies, "Shhhh I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

[ABSOLUT_ANTI]

lol. i love the list of "signs youve grown up.:D :p :D

[ABSOLUT_ANTI]

Some good ones !!!!!!!


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing A weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the
fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get the last word in: Apologize.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these
terrorists-- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on
these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that
to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are
all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[dm383]

When Good Dogs Go and Crossbreed:


Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

[dm383]

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear while he is onfire. Further studies are expected

[Bardog]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone
at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa
and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

A: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus
and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.




Men keep scrollin'...







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was
a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading
this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

[Bardog]

Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
~~~~~~~~~~
Moods of a Man
Horny.

[Bardog]

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.

Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

Q: What do you call a female midget who is nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.

[Bardog]

:slurp: :slurp: :slurp: :slurp: :slurp: :slurp:



One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." The guy says, "Well, give me some examples." The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

[Lilith]

:slurp: :D LMAO

[dicksbro]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited -- she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi, hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at WalMart?"

:D

[dicksbro]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group shyly raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

:D

[Bardog]

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Bardog]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Bardog]

The perfect breakfast ... you're sitting at the table -
Your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties...
your mistress is on the cover of playboy...
and your wife is on the back of the milk carton!

[Bardog]

You all know, in the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man.
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

[Bardog]

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table . . .
. . . notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to he knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2 million in the bank, but not even for YOU would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."

[Bardog]

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[dm383]

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little
boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy." The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy.

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!

[Steph]

The Fairy Godfather

http://www.robertschimmel.com/gfather.asp

[dm383]

Just a few swear-words..... and their REAL meanings!!

[dm383]

Animals?!

[dm383]

Blow job?!

[dm383]

Hmm......

[dm383]

Fruity!!

[dm383]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she said.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax. "

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the barstool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

[dicksbro]

When I get big, fat, and juicy...


There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

[dicksbro]

DM, all those jokes of yours were terrific! LMAO!

[PantyFanatic]

DM, very cute.;)

[dm383]

A lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy."
He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike."

[dm383]

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[dm383]

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

[Lilith]

*shoots water out my nose~ lmao

[dm383]

A life-long workshy bum walks into an employment agency and marched straight up to the counter,
"I want a job!" he said.

The man behind the counter replied,
"You're timing is amazing. We just heard from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his 22-year-old nympho daughter. The salary is $200,000 a year!"

The bum cried,
"You're BULLSHITTING me!",
to which the man behind the counter shouted back,
"Well YOU fucking started it!!!"

[dm383]

Picture the scene; a retirement home for elderly gentlemen. One of the old boys has been surprised by one of his friends with a gorgeous stripper for his birthday. So all the old men go into the home's big main room to wait for the lady.
She walks into the room, pulls open her long raincoat revealing her amazingly fit, totally naked body and shous out
"SUPERCUNT!!"

At the back of the room, one of the old boys turns to another and asks,
"What did she say?"
The second old guy replies,
"I THINK she said 'supercunt'".
The first man nods his head in contemplation......
"Oh, OK then....tell her I'll just have the soup!"








(sorry! ;))

[dm383]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and said: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."

[dm383]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the rabbi."

[Steph]

Good ones, DM!

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. She is standing in
front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You
know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, I've got fat legs and my arms are all
flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something
positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."

[dm383]

There was this lab rabbit that escaped from the lab and met up with some wild rabbits, which he had never seen before. He asked the wild rabbits what they did all day. The rabbits said that they went over to the field and ate as much lettuce as they wanted.
The lab rabbit went to the field and ate a whole bunch of lettuce, then went back to the others.
He asked them what else they did.
They told him that they went to another field and ate as many carrots as they could.
The lab rabbit went to the other field and ate as many carrots as he could. He enjoyed the food very much, as he never had any at the lab.
When he got back to the rabbits, he surprised them by announcing that though he enjoyed nature's bounty, he would be returning to the lab.
Surprised at this, the wild rabbits said to him, "you just escaped from the lab, don't you want to stay here with us?"
The lab rabbit replied, "I sure like it outside the lab, but after such a satisfying meal, I need a cigarette like you wouldn't believe!"

[dm383]

A kid went off to college and ran out of cash fast. Not wanting to directly ask her father for money she wrote him the following letter:

Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your Daughter


Dad's reply:Dear Daughter, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,Dad

[dm383]

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."

[dm383]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

[Navarre]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “It’s just ice cream.”

[Navarre]

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?” “Look, I can’t prescribe...” “Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.” The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.” “I don’t know, doc, she’s awfully cold...” “One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?””Um... okay.” The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes—he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I...need... a man...” His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me... too...”

[Navarre]

The Mighty Sperm
One day there was this sperm, and he decided that he was going to be the strongest sperm in the body. For he knew that only one sperm could get inside the egg of a women, and he was determined to be that sperm.
So as the days and weeks went by the little sperm worked out. He did pushups, situps, crunches, and weights. All the other little sperm laughed and played while he worked to develope his strength.
Soon the weeks passed into years, but the little sperm stayed the course, until that magic day. That day came and all the little sperm inside started rushing out except the one little sperm that had worked out. He was pushing the other way yelling, " Go Back, Go Back, its just a blow job!"

[Navarre]

Here’s another one
A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a
big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the
man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to be until
your attitude changes!"
And who ever said the man is in control

[jseal]

Originally posted by Navarre
“It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “It’s just ice cream.”

Navarre,

Hey! I resent that!

[dm383]

Losing weight...the FUN way!

[dm383]

Some people are just SO unlucky!!

[dm383]

Hmm.....

[dm383]

God LOVES a trier!!

[dm383]

Never hear of smudge-free?

[dm383]

"I ca.'t tal' ho'hully..."

[dm383]

I always thought of puppies as something WOMEN have.. ho hum!

[dm383]

2 polarbears are walking around in the arctic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says,
" Dad, I got a question, are you sure I am 100% polarbear?".
The father looks at his son and says,
"Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says.

They keep walking and about 20 minutes later the son again says:
"Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?"

The father again says,
"Yes son, you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says.

Then about 30 minutes later, the son says,
"OK dad, be serious; are you sure I am 100% polarbear? Are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bear in me??"

"Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?"

The son says,
"Well I dont know about you, but I am fuckin' freezing!"

[jseal]

From the Oldies But Goodies Department:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroids.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes: Whack, "Damn!" A Bad Skydiver Goes: "Damn!" Whack.

[dm383]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Bardog]

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She
hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...
> (You're gonna love this) !
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "W I N A B A G E L"

[Bardog]

Nobody Believes Old People.... Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money,
and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got
to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"

She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the
attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit
the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story
from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here

[Lovediva]

Magical Frog

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The woman freed the frog and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-thatwhatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!'

The woman said, 'That would be okay,' and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.'The woman replied, 'That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.' So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.' So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'









Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with us!!!:D

[Lovediva]

A guy got his first job and it happened to be in a sexual aid
shop. One night his boss had to leave for an hour. A short
while later a white lady walked in, and after looking around
asked him, "How much for the black dildo?"

"For you," he replied, "$19.99."

"Great," she said, paid and left.

A short while later a black lady walked in and after looking
around said, "How much for the white dildo?"

"For you," he replied, "$29.99."

"Great," she said, paid and left.

Again, a while later a Polish lady walked in and after looking
around asked, "How much for the 'plaid' dildo?"

"Plaid dildo?" he asked.

"Yes," she responded, "the one at the back of the store there."

"Oh, the PLAID dildo... for you, $39.99"

She happily paid and left.

His boss returned and asked how it went. He replied, "Well, I
sold a white lady a black dildo for $19.99, a black lady a
white dildo for $29.99, and I sold a Polish lady your thermos for
$39.99."

[dm383]

A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.
Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too.
And a third.
By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.
A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the Judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "He broke three of my fingers!"

[dm383]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the husband's best friend was dead on their porch.

[Sharni]

The Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[jseal]

HERS / HIS


HER DIARY


Wednesday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY


Today the Cubs lost. At least I got laid.

[Navarre]

A man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”
Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners, the priest thinks. Then, he tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”
Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest has to ask, “Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten Hail
Mary’s.” The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is
Nookie Green?

The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and way too short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, “Is that Nookie Green?” The altar boy’s eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

[Navarre]

Woman’s Workout Week If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week, I am already planning to join!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT, it’s a whole new life for me!

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my arms hurt to bad to do it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving to the club was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not pull my leg up to brake. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.

Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me this would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to workout with the dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women’s room. He sent Lana (the

witch) to find me, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday:

I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body that could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a twinky. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel from the couch.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the rotten dog) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

[Navarre]

Mary had a little skirt
With slits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked,
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
‘twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Said “Fuck him, he’s only an egg.”

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy puddin’ and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, ‘cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forget her pill
And now there’s little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

[Lovediva]

10 Reasons Trick or Treat is better than SEX


10. You're guaranteed to get at least a
little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes
and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier
it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the
person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't
fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache,
it won't las t 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask,
no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear
you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want,
you can always go next door!! :D :D

[dm383]

Grandfather advice:

This should reconfirm that the most important information in your life does not come from a teacher, the library, or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday date is coming up, and for
me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he gave! Much was wasted because I was young, but if he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said .

"Be sure you marry a woman with small hands. It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[dm383]

I was happy.

My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that I was soon to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome.
So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
come and get me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



Lesson learnt: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[dm383]

The GAME might be different..... the IDEA'S the same!!! :D

[dm383]

Heeheehee! :D :devil:

[dm383]

Hmm......

[dm383]

D'you you remember YOU'RE first date???

(This sounds familiar to me! :()

[dm383]

BE CAREFUL with your doors.........








.............or................








........... practice what you preach!!!








That's it, for tonight!

DM

[dicksbro]

OMG, DM ... those are terrific. :D :D

[MilkToast]

Not sure if this one has been posted before... but it gave me a laugh.
-Toast
_______________________

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the
part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter
of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which
reads:


Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[dm383]

Is it a 'plane.......?

Nope........

[dm383]

Now THIS is cold!!!

[dm383]

Only tried golf a few times.......


....... this woulda helped a LOT!! :)

[dm383]

You know those signs you see, that don't seem to relate to anything?

[dm383]

......wished you could do this?

[dm383]

Eat your heart out, Cleopatra!!!

[dm383]

This is when you KNOW you're having a good time!! :D









Hope you liked these!

DM

[dicksbro]

ROTFLMAO. Dm, where did you find those, they're terrific!

[dm383]

Glad you like 'em, dicksbro! :D

Some I get sent, others CA gets and she forward them to me. I post well under HALF of what is sent..... my own form of censorship, I guess! ;)

DM

[Bardog]

Sorry to those of you North of the border but I just couldn't resist

An Mexican in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss accured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Mexican was heard to mutter as he left the station... "Damned Canadians!"

[Bardog]

I thought this was funny

[Bardog]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry,"
Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday
up North about 9 months ago?""Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen
to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a
visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my
name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and
he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you
ask?" "She just died and left me everything."









(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep
that smile for the rest of the day!! :)

[Bardog]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had.

The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!

[Bardog]

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[Bardog]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[dm383]

Too funny Bardog!! :D


An old gentleman was walking along the road one day, when he happened to see little Johnny sitting on the kerb crying his eyes out!
"What's the matter Johnny, why are you crying?" he asked.
"I'm cry(sniff)ing cos I ca-han't do what the (sniff) BIG boys do!" replied Johnny.
At that, the old gentleman sat on the kerb next to Johnny, and started crying HIS eyes out!!

[Bardog]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he
has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay
there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

[Navarre]

Little Johnny told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead
or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move," said the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", cried the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssssst' in his ear
and he didn't move"

[Navarre]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[Navarre]

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of
prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way
in hell could I do that!!" The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his
answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with
circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie
one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her
right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them
off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I
got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down
and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her
left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor, as well. She then
proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both
of them to the floor...
"Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail
around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I
moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of
tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and
boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in
Circumstantial Evidence."

[Navarre]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, “What the heck is going on?” The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

[MilkToast]

if rednecks ruled the world (1)

[MilkToast]

if rednecks ruled the world (2)

[MilkToast]

if rednecks ruled the world (3)

[MilkToast]

if rednecks ruled the world (4)

[jseal]

MilkToast,

That's harsh dude, real harsh.

[Navarre]

Originally posted by jseal
MilkToast,

That's harsh dude, real harsh.

I totally fail to see anything wrong.

:confused:

[dicksbro]

Love 'em all. Great. Especially liked the "circumstantial evidence" joke, Navarre and the Jo Beth Stewart one MilkToast. :D :D

[celticangel]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, A million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

[dm383]

Grandma & grandpa laying in bed one night, when grandma says to grandpa, "Hey, grandpa now that your retired, is there anything that you always wanted but never got?"
"Yeh, there is", said grandpa.

"What is it?" asked grandma. "Maybe I can get it for you."

"Well, grandma, I always wanted a blow-job," said grandpa.

"A blow-job is what you want, then a blow-job is what you'll get. But I don't know how to give you one," said grandma.

Grandpa says, "Well I've often heard the boys at the plant before I retired, say that in order to get it right, their wives practiced on Ketchup bottles."

Grandma says, "O.K. I'll practice all day tomorrow and give you a blow-job when we go to bed."

The following night grandpa was waiting patiently with a super hard-on. Grandma approached grandpa, grabbed his penis with her left hand....................


........and began pounding the top of it with palm of her right hand! :eek: Owwwww!!!

[Navarre]

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

[Navarre]

A plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly
the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hi-
jacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane
to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says,
"Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the
copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the copilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside
and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he
could keel over at the shock of my being killed like that.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into
the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the
gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and
says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys
have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the
sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the
gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers
something into the hijacker's ear.

The hijacker turns beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of
the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they
found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him
up, the pilot asks the stewardess what she said that terrified
the man so.

"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd
have to give you guys your blowjobs...."

[dicksbro]

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...just great...some asshole's got my pen."

[dicksbro]

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Ontario. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.

The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

" Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing? "

" Reading a book, " she replies, (thinking " isn 't it obvious? " )

" You ' re in a restricted fishing area, " he informs her.

" I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I ' m reading."

" Yes, but you have all the equipment. I 'll have to take you in and write you up. "

" If you do that, I ' ll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.

" But I haven ' t even touched you, " says the officer. "

" That ' s true, but you have all the equipment. "

The Officer says, " Have a nice day " ..

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It' s likely she can also think.

[Sharni]

ROTFLMFAO love the asshole one....

Read the other one here earlier....but still good *L*

[jseal]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I'm about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"

[Navarre]

:)

[Navarre]

:D

[Navarre]

:cool:

[Navarre]

:rolleyes:

[Navarre]

;)

[jseal]

Navarre,

Brave man. You know, of course, that you will be hunted down and hurt for posting those, don't you?

[dicksbro]

LMAO Navarre. Those are terrific!

BTW, where should we send the flowers?

[Navarre]

Moi?
Innocent Moi?

[Bardog]

In a trial, in a small town, a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help
her God.

She says "I do."

She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type,
well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking
problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in
his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered
throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of
you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail
for contempt. Is that clear?"

[Navarre]

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time...” A southern fairytale begins, “ "Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh*t.”

[Navarre]

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage ... along with a recipe.

[Navarre]

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[dm383]

I'm NOT laughing at those....... I'm NOT!! :D :D :D :D


*snigger*


DM

[jseal]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blond and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

[Navarre]

Q. What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

[jseal]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No,you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!

[dicksbro]

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated






... are you ready for this? ....







"You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

[dancingrugger]

Originally posted by Bardog
Any of you ladies like donuts?


Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!


Saw this and it reminded me of a cartoon i have ...

[Lovediva]

JUST FRED

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing!! :D :D

[Steph]

Hormone Hostage...

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his
hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant
other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

[Navarre]

Thanks Steph.
I've already put it in my wallet.

[Navarre]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large biker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The biker smiled and said: "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends."

[Fairy-Bird]

LMFAO @ Hormone Hostage

Good one! Might print that up an pass it around to my guy friends *Laffs*.

[jseal]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher explained that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[dm383]

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,

"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[dm383]

(I have a horrible feeling this has been posted before.... but I liked it anyway!!)


Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[dicksbro]

LOL DM. I don't know if it's been posted before, but it was a good one. Brightens the morning. Thanks.

[jseal]

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....and they begin to discuss their sons...

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm but HE got a break too! They made HIM a broker and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich he gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The first three explain they're telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side...he's doing quite well...a few of his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

[Lovediva]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

Wait for it...
























It's coming...
















The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
















She says :

























"You just happened to catch my eye."
_________________

[Lovediva]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman. Farting is man business, he thinks to himself.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he
strains really hard.... gives it
everything he's got... and accidentally sh-ts the bed. "What the hell was that?", asked the wife.
"Half time, switch sides.", said the old man.

[Navarre]

A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says "Well, no..."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

[dicksbro]

TALKING CLOCK

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"

[dm383]

SIX DIE IN TRAGIC ACCIDENT!

[dm383]

Just a wee selection of eye-watering confectionary!!




The ultimate blow-job?

[dm383]

Who was it that was into "titty sex" ???

[dm383]

Talk about an orgy!! ;)

[dm383]

One for Lilith perhaps??

[dm383]

On the beach!

[dm383]

This is what you CALL a hand job!!

[dm383]

and it's for the Ladeez!!!

Hope you liked............... ;)


DM

[dicksbro]

OMG, DM. Those are something else. No doubt a local bakery? :D I can think of someone I'd like to surprise with a cake similar to one of those.

[jseal]

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all her 40 years of marriage to the travelling salesman the woman never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1,874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out at a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth."

"Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[dicksbro]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID . . . NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt.'s like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[dm383]

LOL!! Love it dicksbro!! :D



Aaaaaaahhhhh....... memories!! *sigh*

DM

[jseal]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[Bardog]

Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging
upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".

[jseal]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

After a moment Sister responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

[dicksbro]

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

[dicksbro]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video game sat all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

[dm383]

MOOD RING

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood
ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


WOMEN'S HUMOUR

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour



He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.



He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat
bastard.



Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:45 minutes



Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They can't stand criticism.



Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A:Because those men already have boyfriends.



Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[dicksbro]

LMAO dm. Those are cute.

[jseal]

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

[dicksbro]

LOL jseal!

[SuzyQ]

Walking into the bar, Joe said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Joe replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed you little chicken shit!'"

[jseal]

There were two blonde guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we're a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[dm383]

A few "funnies", to take your minds OFF Xmas!! :)

[dm383]

First date?!?!?!....

[dm383]

Gone Fishin'!!

[dm383]

There's big....... and then there's BIG!! ;)

(No offence to ANYONE, I promise!!)

[dm383]

Now you know why you HATE going to the dentist!! :)

[dm383]

This just takes contraception a wee bit TOO far! :eek:

[dm383]

Be careful where you buy your balloons this year!!!

[dm383]

Possibly a bit lacking in taste....... but funny all the same!

(Apologies, if this causes ANY offence!)

[dm383]

Last one............couldn't resist ONE wee dig at Christmas!! :D



Hope you liked 'em!!;)

DM

[dicksbro]

DM, those are terrific. I'd seen the "Milking the Cow" one before and thought that was really cute. Actually, they all were. Thanks.

DB

[dm383]

A man phoned his local Pizza delivery firm, and asked for a "Thin & Crusty Supreme"!

Half an hour later the door-bell rang; he answered it, and found..



















Wait for it!!.....




































Diana Ross!!




Sorry!! ;)

DM

[dm383]

A stunning young secretary walks into her boss's office, without knocking.

"What is it?" he asks, a bit annoyed at being interrupted at his work.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you" she replies.

The boss isn't happy.....

"Why do you always have to give me BAD news" he complains, "Can't you tell me some good news for a change?"

"Alright then, I will..." she says........

























"You're NOT Sterile!!!"

[dm383]

Watch what you wish for!

[dm383]

Computer dating DOES have it's failures!!!

[dm383]

Sometimes, you can love your animals TOO much!

[dm383]

The "anti-drugs" message ISN'T just for the kids!!!

[dm383]

Market Research ISN'T just a "bunch of hokum" y'know :)

[dm383]

Did you really, really WANT to get that tattoo?!

[dm383]

Cattle-country's FAVOURITE pastime!! :D

[dicksbro]

DM, yer' one in a million. Those are wonderful. What a great way to start a day.

Although the wildlife one ... :rolleyes:

[dancingrugger]

I thought i'd share what is apparently my dads new favorite joke w/yall ... its an interesting conversation starter at least. Here goes:

Dad: Erin have you ever smelled moth balls?
Me: yeah, why?
Dad: how didja get their little legs apart?

[jseal]

Oldie but Goodie!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

However, this is not for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

BUT… There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!

[dm383]

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

[Ryan²]

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Clause have in common?
A: They both empty their ball sacks on little children.

[dicksbro]

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"





He answers, "Pepper."